#tharapy

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"Me: dude my life could be a reality TV show."

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"Me: I am only 17 I shouldn't be aging around my eyes already."

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"Me: my younger siblings are like my kids so in a way I am mom."

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"Me: I have raised demons I love them but they're demons.

Person: what......?"

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"Me: bitch you can't hate me I've know you sense you were a baby and I'm your sister, you're stuck with me."

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"Me: I crawl under tables a lot because it's safe under tables not because I did it as a child to avoid being yelled at."

Me: and no I don't have trauma from it why would you say that? Because I still crawl under tables?"

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"Me: why am I crazy? Well if you met my family you would understand."

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"Me: people say to stop being so dark but I don't know any other way."

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"Me: people often say I love the natural shadow you have around your eyes and I'm like bitch those are from all my sleepless nights."

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"Me: usually when I have no idea what someone is talking about I just pretend I do, not because I want to i want to be honest it's just wired into me."

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"Me: I call my siblings bitches because I love them."

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"Me: bitch I am the best mom okay *me hands them sticks to play sword fight with* see I am teaching them to defend themselves.

Person: they're your siblings tho..

Me: nobody asked you *insert name*"

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"My brother: I can't open the salsa jar Becca can you open it for me?

Me: *walks over pops the led off* there and you need to workout."

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"My brother: I think I lost all the blood in my leg.

Me: TF your leg is still attached and you aren't cut open you're perfectly fine how tf would you have lost all the blood in your leg?"

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"My little sister: I want to be like you someday.

Me Internally: why would you do that to yourself?

Me outwardly: yeah I am pretty cool."

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"My big brother: life is so stressful you know?

Me sarcastically and sassy: no I have no idea what you mean."

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"My mom: you never communicate.

My mom: *doesn't answer phone, never shares what her plans are with me, never tells me anything till last minute*"

Me being sassy: yeah I don't know where I got it from, must have been my father.

My mom: yeah I am not like that.

Me: yup totally not like that *Internally screaming*

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"My big sister: being married is great and I am so happy.

Me Internally: yeah you have love and aren't alone and have someone to snuggle with I get it.

Me outwardly: I know I am so happy for you I am sure it's great."

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Person: how do you get your hair like that?

Me: it's this way naturally."

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"Me: I mean this happened as a child and I am probably overreacting but yeah.

My therapist: that's childhood trauma.

Me: really? Oh..."

Later

Me: damn I am more of a mess then I realized.

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"Therapist: I thought you said your relationship with your mom was okay?

Me Internally: *here's the thing I may have said a little tiny lie because I am afraid to face those demons and my mom*

Me outwardly: dude shit happens."

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My step dad told me I'm self absorbed, I'm overbearing, I don't always pay attention, and has even said I don't care.

And so I started believing all this because I already feel like a bad person not looking for attention I'm gonna get to my point. But they want me to get better, to deal with my mental health better, to heal, but I can't do that unless I spend time on me, and I went to my tharapist the other day and was telling her about this and she says well you need it, she said you have to work on yourself to get better or you won't and honestly she is right. I have to work on myself to become who I need to be and I know the criticism is hard especially when it's basically everyday and you want to give up and just stop trying and trust me I've there these last few weeks but I go to my found family and they help me and make me feel better just by being themselves and being funny. So thank you for being yourselves and helping me through all this just by being there. And remember that there is always someone who cares and will always be there for you, love you all, take care.

Weirdly I just thought about something that now that I can think about it not so worked up about it. So back in july when an incident happened with me I was in the hospital and a tharapist was sent to talk to me not only did she try to turn me against my mom but she also wrote downUncorrect things about me she had asked what I identified as sexually and I answered bisexual and she was like ok and then she went straight to talk about religion and how I shouldn't let sexuality affect what I believe religiously even though I told her I don't deny or agree With religions but anyways the most offensive thing about it was that when I went to a place called the calm center to heal and get in a better mind set they read to me that she wrote that I was confused about my gender and that is not what bisexuality is as anyone who is in The LGBTQIA+ community knows and honestly really was vary wrong because it made me feel misunderstood and like she didn't even listen and wanted to make me hate my mom and you'd think that as a tharapist who is supposed to ask about sexuality/non binary/trans gender etc Would know the difference between all of it because I'm sure anyone would feel the same and I'm not saying that she doesn't have the right to make mistakes but the fact that all she was basically talking about was how my mom was to blame for everything was ridiculous and rude And not right my mom is amazing and strong and beautiful and it hurt when someone was trying to tell me to hate her and blame her when in actuality it's a mix of things throughout my childhood that has caused my mental health to be so bad and thankfully I found a wonderful Tharapist who is the exact opposite of this one time one who I disliked what she was doing but anyways I just wanted to say that this is wrong and if any of you have had any similar experiences I hope it doesn't happen again but it probably will and so I do think religion should Be kept in mind but not the center of things when you are talking to clients because it is beautiful but some use it for self gain and to justify everything they do and that's what should be kept out so please let's do better and try to learn the differences between the people Like me who want to be recognized for who they are with love becca. And if any of you want to comment or anything you're welcome to but don't say anything hateful, criticism is okay but I won't put up with hate so let's keep it kind and respectful.