Sometimes, I feel dead. Not in a life ending kind of way, but... Drained, emotionally, physically. Maybe I work too much or, maybe I just try too hard to be happy. Either way, the second I see your name pop up on my screen, Joy taps the inside of skull and begs to be let out to play like a husky who's been inside all day. I saw one today, a husky I mean. She was a very pretty pup, all ready to be let loose so she could play with the rabbits, and kiss random people, she kind of reminded me of you, not in the hyperactive kind of way but... She played in the grass like my thoughts do when I think of you. Funny thing about Joy is, it's full of Grace. It's full of you.

Those moments when my mind plays those evil tricks on me... Your name keeps them from consuming me. Your name is the fire that engulfs my inner demons, and turns them into embers of purple and blue... And green. Your name, is the reason that my life has been better lately. My recent inspiration stems from my deep love for you. Thank you G.

People don't really try to get to know someone anymore. At least, not like they used to. I've found that, sometimes... Taking the time to get to know someone halfway across the world, has its benefits.

If you try hard enough, you get to learn who another human being really is. Emotions, desires, needs, it all creates our existence.

//My reality//

For so long, I was scared to meet new people. I became dependant on my solitude, and any time someone fresh would step into my life, I broke. Lately, I've been sitting with random people at coffee shops, and meeting others online. While most hold little importance to me, I had the chance to meet a girl who brought me something I've been waiting for my whole life.

//You//

I dreamt I met you in a coffee shop while backpacking across the Netherlands, and to be honest that's not too far off. Poetry is just coffee shop confessions, with a shot of whiskey. We met in the line, and you invited me to sit with you, so I did. We stole the table for three hours, then decided to head into Amsterdam for the day... I don't remember the last time I enjoyed myself so much in a dream.

Since I met you, I haven't spent a day without you in my mind... You're my version of glory sung through trumpets made of gold. Rich, and powerful, and stunning. I dream of kisses shared on rooftops with the sun rising above, and long nights used for nothing more than pure pleasure.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is... Sometimes, when you least expect it, you find someone who's eyes melt your heart. Their love becomes everything you've ever dreamed of, and their presence is the only thing you wish to feel.

I need to be careful because, I'll end up with my head under water and my feet in the clouds. I would welcome drowning in your love, and flying in your skies any day. Skies so very far from mine... I'm glad that we started talking because with out you, I'd be vanilla with no chocolate, lost with no one to find me, and a lover with no one to woo.

In essence, you are everything my dreams have taught me about glee. You are the inspiration to get out of this house and step into new spaces, with different languages, and cheery people all around.

You are my morning thought, and my goodnight kiss. You are the first smile I've had in years, and the shine in my eye. Thank you G

//Love// an intense feeling of deep affection.

I can love the idea of you. I can love your presence. I can love who you are. I can love how you make me feel. I cannot love myself. I cannot put you through that.

The agonizing truth about love is… I loved you so much, that I could no longer put you through the stress of having a man that despises his own existence.

Trust me, it always ends in pain.

I loved you so much that, I didn’t want you to have to remind me to eat. I didn’t want you to worry about me every day for the rest of your life.

I didn’t want… Happiness.

My life consisted of hues of grey and black, and you were yellow in the midst of all of that. Maybe that’s why I hate that color. Not because of you but…because of what it represents.

Psuedo-smiles to the sun, and a dress laced with dandelions, it was fucking beautiful. { I never deserved a second of it.}

You were always the goddess that I devoted every ounce of worship to. { I never deserved even a ray of your shine}

You were my field of fucking lavender surrounded by burnt up grass ………………………… And I………………………… { Never deserved to see your true color}

The time that we were together meant more to me than my life ever could, and that is why I could not continue. That is why I walked away. My life is pain, and you were purity.

I think you like trucks for a completely different reason than I do. You like ‘em cause well, that’s you. I like them because, I can’t seem to see one without thinking of you.

I was never interested in lifted oldies 'til I got into yours. I didn’t know how to get in it at first, I had to jump up… And at my height, that’s pretty impressive.

It’s more than what it looks like, or how it feels to be in. For me, I associate it with some of the happiest times of my life. Even in its old age, it sparks some new kind of feeling…

Something I’ve never had before. Deep conversations about nothing in particular, and laying on your legs while you soothe my hair back into place.

Time jumps from one hour to six, dusk to dawn, sadness to happiness. It’s surreal.

I never thought that a vehicle could make me feel more at home than where I live but, perhaps, it’s not the truck that makes me feel that way at all. Some people are just considered home.

There isn’t a word I could use to properly describe you, to sum you up into a singular expression would be absurd. Maybe that’s why I enjoy your visits so much. Something, if not everything, about you allows my mind to wander into realms I’m not used to viewing.

Go for the things that scare you most right?

You inspire me on a level I have yet to be able to comprehend.

Thank you M.

Seriously, sometimes it’s too much for this weary heart to handle, you come in and light up my entire night. I don’t understand, your smile brightens up this moon lit street of mine. How? Why is it that, when I need someone most, you’re there… Getting me out of my head, and into this life. Why do you care so much? Why? Don’t you know I’ll just end up ruining you? Why would you try to embrace this wicked soul of mine, why would you try to put my heart at ease? Wouldn’t you just leave, like the rest? Oh my God, there’s something seriously wrong with me… I don’t know whether I should welcome you with open arms or, push you away. I’m becoming brand new, this change is tough, it’s causing me to do somethings I wouldn’t usually do. Maybe that’s… You? You’re the most beautiful soul I have ever met, the type I would fall in love with, but never let you know, because I wouldn’t want to destroy your world, like mine. Please baby, just don’t fall for me. Let me love you silently. Thank you M.

We could always talk about whatever we needed, and we always knew that the other would listen. We spoke in long, run on sentences, built for paragraphs… But we just understood. There has always been love, always been desire, but we lack the physicality. Even so, we know one others deepest secrets, kinks, and feelings. That’s not something you can find so close to home. Maybe it’s the privacy of messages, and the ability to tell the truth without any physical repercussions, but… It always worked. We would spend time away, and come back with new stories, new desires, and just more of who we are in general. There is always something new with you K, and you taught me that people change, and grow into someone new, but that’s the fun of those long, run on sentences, built for paragraphs, you take the time to decode, and learn them fully, with every change, or missed mark… You learn more. Thank you, you have always been my biggest inspiration, K.

That night was one of the best in a long time. Not because you’re beautiful, not because of the stars, though that made it all better, and not because I hadn’t been out in a while… But because you challenged me to do something I was initially scared of. I have this fear of the unknown. Not so much a fear of not knowing what my life will be, but… I definitely fear walking into a lake at night, because I can’t see anything at all. Yet some how, when you took my hand, I had no fear, we reached the shore line, and you let go to take your shirt off, and fear crept back, but then you walked right in, and I… just followed. We swam for a while, and talked, and laughed, we passed the tree. You know, the one I told you I would not go past? You got cold so, we went back to the truck, I talked for what seemed like hours about basically everything I could think of, and you listened, we spoke in circles, and never finished a single story… But maybe that’s the beauty of it. The best stories have no endings, and no memorable beginnings, but in the middle of the circle is the greatest part of all. That is when our lives have the greatest moments. Thank you.