#thaen

Her words had hit him like a ton of bricks.

"I gave up everythin' fer you. Centuries o' memories an' life- an' I did it wrong, but that shouldn'ta meant that I came back ta' bein' punished an' having you fall fer a fuckin' mechanical experiment!"

"What ya got in yer head as love, ain't love. It ain't consumin' ya. It's jus' a fun feelin' right now- that feelin' of someone touchin' just the right part'a you. Well, that were you ta' me. That person that I coul' let get close-"

You an' him might not have liked Mal at tha' end, hell I didn't. But he were so much more than that. He were in EVERY memory, EVERY dream! He were my heart, an' I gave it up fer you- so ya could go an'...fall fer someone a few days later!"

He suddenly felt very small.

His chest ached with an unknown pain, if this wasn’t love then why did it feel as if his heart had been physically ripped from him?  Ironic given not too long ago he had literally ripped out the heart of someone she had loved for her entire life. 

But she was right, wasn’t she?  

It’s not as if he had planned this happening, he was well aware that love was a fickle beast, at least what he knew of love.  But perhaps this wasn’t love like she suggested, or maybe it was just that everyone has a different definition of what love is to them.  It’s a subjective feeling and he didn’t know how to make Tali understand his point of view, all he wanted to do was to be truthful with her.  It wasn’t as if something had been taken away from her and given to another, all of his feelings for this broken woman in front of him remained as they had always been despite what she had done and those were not going away anytime soon.  Why couldn’t he be as eloquent as Malph?

"I'm sorry I ruined yer life, lass...all I wanted t'do were t'help you an' I fucked it all up.  I dunno how t'unfuck either, I don' think I can.  I dunno how t'make this right wit' ya...I dunno what t'do.  I dunno what I'll do if I lose ya. Y'got every right t'hate me.  I kinda hate meself right now too."

Of course she didn’t hate him, although at this moment he hated himself enough for the both of them.  They had both fucked up and continued to dig themselves that hole deeper and deeper.  Shortly after, they parted ways without resolving anything and as always he let her be the one to walk away first.  No matter how upset he got, how angry he was, he’d never walk away first.  

Unfortunately that conversation led him right down the path of self destruction with the intention of becoming numb as quickly as possible.  After all these decades he had become aware of his limits, so when he pushed past them on purpose he knew what the consequences could and likely would be.  

That numb feeling he so desired was quickly achieved, but it came at a cost.

The last thing he recalled was wandering aimlessly in the Row… then there were muffled words of a familiar voice, a feeling as if his lungs were being squeezed and blue under his fingernails.  He attempted to reach out to Malph to fix it as he done a handful of times in the past, but those pleas were met with silence.

He knew what this was, it wasn’t his first overdose.   Probably wouldn’t be his last either.

The next morning he awoke in one of the private clinic rooms to the pleasant sound of someone humming nearby.  His sheets were soaked through with sweat and Light knows what else, someone had thankfully removed most of his clothing after they too had no doubt been soaked with sweat.  While his insides were screaming and felt as if they were slowly being fed into a blender, his exterior remained calm and quiet for fear of making it worse.

Eventually eyes cracked open to bright white room, spying Thaen sitting nearby in a chair at the side of his bed.  Had she been the one that brought him here the night before?  He wasn’t even going to attempt to try to  remember right now, his head throbbed with excruciating pain and all he wanted was another fix.

That internal voice finally chimed in:  “I cannot allow us to continue down this path, Brax, you’re going to destroy this body if you keep this up.  It’s time to allow me my turn.”

Malph was right. Abra would only continue making this worse.

Miss Moonreaver,

While I appreciate your interest in my mercenary company, I don’t like bringing in new members whilst in the middle of a campaign.  While I’m sure you are well trained and suitable for the purpose, especially if Lynesse has suggested you contact me, you must understand I do this for the safety of my men and women.  It takes time and practice that we are unable to spare at the moment to work together as one unit and adding a new member into the mix while in such dangerous territory is a risk I am not willing to take.

Should you still be interested once our military has taken the Tomb then we can meet and discuss future involvement and possible clean-up detail as I’m sure it will be a necessity.

Until then I wish you the best of luck, Talonoa Dal’shula

@duskisdarkest

Alaris smirked a bit at the photo, seeming to be rather mused by the memories of the few interactions he’d had with this particular woman. Chuckling a bit, he shook his head, “This poor girl... She seems to be in an endless state of being flustered in my presence. Though I can not blame her with the way other tease her so. I must say she is very beautiful and sweet though.”