#th3memories

7/21 who knew I'd be here at this time and place in my life right now. I never knew I was gonna be back on tour on a bus ride to Elko highschool to sleep for the night. This experience is exciting yet lowkey making me nervous. I hope at this point I'll find more confidence in the instrument that I'm currently playing. I really want to do well this season and have everything end on a good note. Not do anything reckless, not lose anything, be on top of my game, and enjoy this opportunity to perform. Hopefully it will all work out. Then I'll get to come back to my family and enjoy as much time as I can with them 💕

the show is finally coming together. We just performed tonight in my opinion what was the best run-through yet in new uniforms and shields. It all feels pretty amazing. Our day went as planned getting to the corps hall at 6:45 am then traveling to hell i mean denair to rehearse then a show in elk grove. Best part was that my marimba buddy was there to surprise me!!! and cheer me on in the stands as my number 1 fan omfg. I was so thankful it was crazy to hear my named being screamed a bajillion times. Although in a way to make this all short and sweet I think I’m super thankful that people keep coming to support me at these events. It feels weird yet different that i come back from a year off to do drum corps again. most people just transition into the next season without even noticing what’s going on. Although for me it felt different but in a good way. Can’t wait to see what else is in store this isn’t the end of our show just yet.

jeezus christ to this point we’ve only gone through the norcal shows plus a week in san jose and I’m already super dark. This experience so far has been mentally physically and spiritually exhausting but I’m really enjoying it with the 10 other people around me. I feel like we do EVERYTHING together, eat sleep shower perform laugh stress anything. we are “the one” but “in pieces”. btw they love puns. Sometimes it feels weird being the second oldest but sometimes i don’t even feel it. Instead I have too much to focus on my own playing. Sometimes I even forget about the life I once had on marimba. It’s so weird. All I can ever do is focus on my sound quality, technique and timing on the xylo and bells and dtx. My parts keep me so busy that I really do love the runs and the show we have. Although it’s so nice to actually have a second to chill out at home. Just finished eating Bon Chon with all of them and yet we see each other AGAIN on our second free day tomorrow. In all honesty I love being with people but at the same time I love my free time and individuality alone if I know we’re always going to see each other. idk but this summer I guess wasn’t one that I really expected. I’m treasuring the time we have together but idk something is a little off where I’m not at the full peak of what my performance experience would be like. Maybe I’m just so used to it or that I’m just in the back not on the instrument I thought I would be playing on. idk.... Although I’m going to enjoy this time to nap a little! 

Ok these days I don't mind the fact that I'm single. It's given me the opportunity to hang out with friends I haven't seen in awhile, do my own thing, and focus on working towards my goals. However just thinking about it when I do get a man of my own I'd probably spoil him silly. I feel like spending those times with MBD was a good practice run as to what I would do in the future. Honestly I'd always text my boy with silly puns, bake delicious treats, write corny meaningful letters, go on cutesy dates like picnics at the park, hikes, adventuring around the the city, or snuggling up to watch a movie together, be a little flirtatious and dirty here and there, support him to the best of my ability, appreciate him for his entirety including family, interests, dreams, and more. I'd want to be able to nerd out with him on games, manga, marvel, or basketball. Hold hands in public and give each other little kisses. Pick out the greatest presents for anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. I'm honestly very good at that because I like it to be homemade but at the same time something meaningful that they'd love. Be able to lightweight show him off to my friends and family. Lastly be able to just have late night deep talks and cuddling would be great. Boba and food all the time. The possibilities are endless. I just know when the time is right when I get those doki doki feelings and endlessly romanticize about my guy. It will be the best. I can't wait for when the moment happens cause it'll be amazing

Lowkey what’s on my mind is the fact that I’m still in this drumcorps. I mean I should be proud I made it and all the stress I went through to get the spot. Except I can’t help but wonder if this was the right decision because it makes me go straight into college and I’m scared I won’t have enough time spent with my own family. Maybe if things were better, if life was more stable between us I’d have the confidence to go on. Although I can’t help but be constantly worried that I’m doing the wrong thing. mom says it’s ok but deep down I’m having a hard time trying to trust that. Sometimes I get so scared that she won’t be able to go on without me there. I know it’s going to be hard and I’m scared I ‘m going to make her keep crying. I just wish I knew there was a sign that if I left they’ll all be ok. my heart hurts and I keep crying myself. Not knowing what’s going to happen scares me in life now. I just want to know they’ll always be protected loved, and safe no matter where I am. Nothing else matters. nothing. 

Then RIGHT NOW I get it, it isn’t the time to really bother her since a student died. but I was honestly Shocked like wtf. Personally I didn’t know her and yes it might have come off rude saying “that guy’s gf died” I DIDNT KNOW HER NAME and she states to her friend and she is so annoying or saying that. LIKE LET ME FINISH. OF COURSE I FEEL HORRIBLE SHE IS DEAD. like it’s not like I’m trying to make fun of her. IDK honestly she is such a reserved emotional biatch that I don’t wish to be with. She over thinks everything, always crushes on a new guy, is nice to EVERYONE ELSE except her own damn family and thinks she is better than all of us. sometimes I can’t deal with her shit. and above all of this she takes me yelling at her as if I’m the crazy ass bitch who is going ham on her and looked upon as the crying victim. LIKE DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT WE CAN BE EMOTIONAL TOO. How would it feel if your family member didn’t treat you like a family member. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up the fact that I have a great sister when she doesn’t even treat me like one. Sometimes I feel like it’s a one sided relationship that’s not worth to keep up. I mean I love her and I wish one day she understands that I do this because I get worried. I hate when people say shit about her or make fun of her for the way she looks or might act. I’m scared if that ever were to happen, and I feel like all my hardwork is just seen through the shadows which she’ll never know of. It just sucks that my own family can’t act as a family back. IDK honestly I want her to go to my PCN but I’m not going to force her. and for once I’d just like a heartfelt apology back. I want to know that she cares. Instead she just sees me as the me older sister. yet when I leave this house all I can think of is that if I move maybe it;s for the better. She doesn’t need me. so why am i still apart of her life. I just get so worried. When I was at rehearsal all I could think about was what happens if something bad happens to her and it’s all my fault because I said horrible things. I did the same thing for papa and look where we are now. and I CANT HELP IT. it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve anything. 

What sucks even more is that after this is over I have to deal right away with SCVC and leave this whole memorial day weekend to hangout with all of them. I have new music to learn and will need to practice my ass off to catch up. Hopefully I’ll get it all down and this summer will be worth it all. everything is moving by SO FAST.

It's almost 1am, and swirling thoughts keep rambling my brain. For one I got a smidge of hope about college. A lady emailed me after calling in today saying that "the system will admit me next week saying an acceptance should be expected soon" sooooo maybe??? But I want to wait til the real deal. Then it got me thinking shit if I'm really in I only have less than two weeks here with whoever is still left. Soul sister might already be gone, I'm going to miss my family more than anything, and idk I only have three important people still with me now. Apparently Madre was getting pretty emotional before they picked me up from Dayton. I can't imagine what she must have said but it makes me cry so much more inside. Leaving Grammy already makes me emotional just thinking about it. Maybe it's the fact that she is much older now and I'm scared I won't be there to spend the days with left with her. Yet at the same time I want her to be with us forever. For sissy idk I always want to be there for her no matter what happens. Even though she doesn't always open up to me I know what's going on. Yet idk if she feels the same. I love the fact that I'm a sister and I'm forever greatful I still get the opportunity to be by her side. I just hope... she feels the same at least one day. Idk it's almost a year since papa has been gone and I feel like I'm just continuing the cycle since I won't be home either. Life is going to be harder not just for me but for each of them and idk if im ready to put them all through that. It reminds me of this play I'm currently in. The young girl gabby is stuck in America pursuing her dream while her family is deported and back in the Phillippines. I mean in offered to do so much good but that makes me feel so privileged in its own way... why am I rewarded with such a lifestyle when I feel like I don't even deserve it. Then it makes me sad again because I wish my papa was here to comfort me or at least hold my hand. Why do things get harder when you're older.