#text.seld

I’m not okay and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. Ever.

A few actions of the biological parents fucked us up in more ways than one. We split easily, we find more comfort in online people than people in person. We can’t get anyone to trust anyone with anything deeper than surface level and it hurts. I want to break down crying and scream until my throat goes sore.

Neglect made us self sufficient, but in the same ways codependent. Our bpd sets us up for failure but it also makes us need others and to continually seek out relationships. And after that it causes us to get too close too quickly to the point we have been told that we are the problem. And that we are toxic just for existing. Now we’re scared of being close to anyone, we’re scared of craving that intimacy that we only are close to someone who lives hours away.

And at this point I don’t know if we will ever be together at any point. I know Ce is not counting on it. I’m lonely as fuck.

Our DID causes relationships to be even more fucked. I’m not even sure if our partner system even cares for most the other frequent fronters even though I told them when we first started talking that even though I am the Host, that doesn’t mean I front the most in a given week. And that they need to be able to get along with everyone in the system.

Our DID means that we have littles who haven’t been able to act their age in a very long time if ever. Because they hold the same anxiety we do. They want to be taken care of, but they’re always scared their too much and someone will just leave them alone and they’ll have to pick themselves back up.

Most of us 🤝 anyone who has taken five seconds to look at regs blog