#text stuff

So... It's not exactly truthful to say that I'm not as creatively charged. Like, I AM very creatively driven nowdays. But honestly, its mostly cause my creative juices are driven to pointless shit. I've been writing every single day, and posting chapters and stories on my fimfic basically weekly for almost a year. It's been nuts.

And the thing is... I was already losing my creative drive to draw for a while back. I kind of reached a skill ceiling for myself where I'm like. Pleased enough with what I draw, while also being painfully aware that I'm never going to stand out with my style. I can realistically draw most of the things I want to draw, but there's no reason to try anymore. Most of the blame is to be on my writing program. Medibang paint is pretty limited and my linework looks way too clean. My coloring is blocky and uninteresting, even if it's vibrant, and generally my style is too much of what it is. By what I mean is that, I have never managed to make something messy look good. If my art is messy, it gets really ugly and amateurish. My lines dont look good when they're the first draft, and generally I don't know how to make my coloring look interesting. With reading all this, you might be wondering why I don't try and dedicate to trying something new, a new art program or what not. ...Here's the thing, why? They say that you should draw for yourself. Okay I don't wanna draw if I'm not making money anymore. My energy is limited and my days are short and my motivation is LOW.

You can say whatever you want with 'don't draw for more followers or for notes' but at least when you do that, you get feedback, you get a reaction, you get motivation. Money is just about the only other worth motivation, and I clearly don't need to be a better artist to make more money, I just needed to be more famous. I'm somehow more cynical. Twitter went down twice, I stopped getting followers, and I never peaked. I used to think I could make a career out of this, but I can't, I'm not good enough, I'm not lucky enough, and I'm not interested in drawing mainstream shit enough to drive more followers.

I tried for so long do to OC shit and it felt like swimming against a current. After a while, I wasn't having fun. All you need to please followers is the occasional breast, lore and names don't matter, and my characters weren't good enough for that interest anyways. I'm just deeply cynical about my art right now. You can say whatever you want about "draw for yourself" but if I'm going to draw to get like 60 likes and thats it, I don't want to draw.I'd rather place my effort in things that I actually feel awake doing. It's pretty over. If I want to try to get back on my fickle fame, I'll just keep trying to post boobies on bluesky, but honestly, I have NO motivation for that rn. My art has no distinct appeal to it, no catch that makes it interesting, and I don't want to force myself into trying to get better with something that isn't bringing me joy when i could just be having fun with writing. And I HAVE been having fun with writing. Even if it's just fanfic! I've been really enjoying being able to put together narratives with characters that people know and love! It's so much easier to gauge interest that way, you bait people with characters they like and then suckerpunch them with your actual creativity and unique interests in your stories. Like, I feel good while doing it! It's a lonely ass hobby, I gotta be focused while doing it, but I still love it. For some inexplicable reason, the stupid pony show has awakened an insane burst of creativity within me... But it's not drawing, not at all. I suppose it doesn't help that I've been really disphoric lately. HRT isn't helping me at all, I feel more disgusted at my body than ever, I've been trying to exercize and sunbathe a lot more frequently but it feels like a feckless fruitless battle. I took two years of laser hair removal and it barely helped, my beard still grows so fucking fast, and I hate myself more than I've ever had. Any trans girls reading this that actually have over a year of HRT, when do you start loving yourself? Genuine question, but when does this stop being a battle of you vs you? Is it just me? Am I the fucking curmudgeon? Am I just unlucky? Am I just stuck hating myself while everyone else gets to love themselves and having a great time? Is it just an attitude problem? Am I a bad person so I'll keep hating my body?

I haven't even had the courage and motivation to get back into laser hair removal, it feels so fucking pointless. I'm still on HRT but there have been no positive changes for me in a year, if anything, I've only felt worse and worse.

Anyways, rant about my awful trans experience aside, I've just have not had any fun with my art. I was in a really shittass situation where I kept working hard to draw as well as I could, only to get very little attention in my art. And sure, you can say "But you were drawing for yourself :)" Here's the thing, if I went through the effort of baking a huge, awesome cake, and nobody fucking ate it, I would not be very proud of the cake because it's meant to be EATEN!!! Art is inherently a social process. I'm not locking my sketchbook under my bed. I want to share what I do! And when nobody fuckin cared, I wasn't really interested in doing more.

So here's the thing about writing. I get less attention in it than I do with art. But when someone actually pays attention to your writing, they had to ENGAGE with it. They have to read every word, understand the themes, and they have to actually be moved by the characters to actually sit through all of it. It's not just looking at a booby art, smiling and then scrolling down. When I'm writing, I have the reader's undivided attention. And if I don't, they'll just click off and I will not know!! I don't care!! The amount of awesome comments I've gotten, the amount of lovely engagement I've had with readers being actually invested with what I've made, I can't explain how much more satisfying it is than drawing for me right now. I made my first YTP last year, put so much work in it, and barely anyone saw it xD Am I glad I did it? Absolutely. But I don't really need to do more if that's the reception, you know?

Hell, I've scripted and gathered footage for a video essay, but I'm in no rush whatsoever to actually do it. because I know at the end of the day, like, 50 people might watch it.

I'm just not focused. My interests are too scattered, and my creative desires are incredibly inconsistent. As it turns out, that's terrible for anyone trying to make money out of art. The people that would watch a video essay of mine are not the same people that would read my mlp fanfiction, who are not the same that would reblog furry booby art extensively. Like, sure, I'd love to, for example, be a part of indie game making. But how the hell would I get into the industry, learn to do all of it myself?? Would I have to dedicate several years of my life to learning RPG maker to do a crapass game nobody cares about? I'm tired and I'm cynical. The world doesn't really need me, and I'm content making my little things here and there and hanging out with friends when I can. Do I wish I had an actual art career? Obviously. But I didn't make the cut. I'm not good enough, and I'm okay with that.

Anyways I'm gonna write another million words of stupid mlp fanfiction this year, and maybe do a few deltarune fanarts. If you're lucky, I might even draw my fursona. Commissions will remain open and I will accept all of them, but otherwise, I have zero intent on actually trying to retake my fickle fame I had a few years back.

I don't really have much hope for the future but also I never really needed that? I'll keep existing and making art in the present either way.