#text post only

Gonna be completely honest, not having anyone to talk to drives you a little cuckoo! I have my partner, but I often feel intellectually bereft of any stimulation. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain because, hey I have a real house and a stable relationship of 7 years... Yet I still lack close friends, and the folks who I feel closest too seem to prioritize other people.  Like that line in Severance, “I was your best friend, you were my very good friend.” ------------------------------ I crawled up through physical and verbal abuse, through abject poverty to come into a place that feels as emotionally desolate as before. What’s worse is that I’ve found the communities surrounding media I enjoy -- which should be a surprise and secret to no one that fandoms are inherently toxic -- to be ultimately hostile and desolate wastelands of immature and egomaniacal halfwits. Like the Neopet community’s weirdly fellating behavior towards NFTs, mormon, and wasp users. I can’t be arsed to touch that sort of cultish toxicity ever again -- yet it often seems like other folks can easily drift between communities with no issue at all... and it leaves me wondering “have I done something wrong”?  ------------------------------ I constantly feel like as soon as folks get an inkling that I’m native or chronically-ill that’s when all of the hate comes down on my shoulders. The bullying, the passive aggression.. It doesn’t matter if it’s online or in real-life, the bigotry that I faced is INSANE. It’s with doctors, professors, whatever... ------------------------------ I can’t seem to make anyone happy, not even myself. I just wish I could be loved by others in the way I care about them. I wish I could be considered fun or interesting enough for people to not look over me.  It’s been this way as long as I can remember -- this feeling that both society at large and my family would rather I disappear into a hole.