#terror test kitchen

the terror/ba test kitchen au:

Galley Mag™ is an old monthly publication on home cooking that was founded in the 50s, when recipes were really all up in that weird shit. as a way to reach out to the kiddos and expand their digital presence, they launch a youtube channel featuring their food writers.

francis crozier is the managing editor and does a few videos. he makes basic, traditional stuff, but viewers love him bc he’s a grump and he manages to involve alcohol in the recipe somehow. his most viewed video is the one where he’s wearing a “kiss me, i’m irish” tshirt.

james fitzjames is the rockstar associate editor who makes meals from every country he’s ever been in. when they have the budget, he goes on foodtrips in london and visits really obscure restaurants to chat with the owner. when fans google the name of the restaurants, nothing comes up.

mr. franklin is the publisher of Galley Mag™. he walks in while the crew is filming and overturns pots and pans in the backrgound. no one knows his fullname. his title card has always been “mr. franklin”.

dundy le vesconte (pronounced le VEY-cont) is the pastry chef specializing in gourmet versions of packaged sweets and junk food. he’s really good, except he keeps eating his ingredients mid-way and bridgens from budget has to remind him to rein it in or they will have to deduct it from his salary.

true to his name, graham gore is the contributor who specializes in cutting up large meats and explaining which parts are what--beef ribs, pork thigh, you name it. he also makes asmr videos of him sharpening knives. CornHoaxey1845 is his most avid commenter.

tom blanky is the producer and is why the channel is so successful. there’s a conspiracy theory that he has shares in youtube and tweaks the algorithm to push GM Test Kitchen™ videos to people’s feeds. 

in one episode, james has to announce that mr. franklin will no longer feature in the channel due to a tragic accident. the top-rated comment in this video is about james’s frilly apron.

a bad bout of food poisoning affects the kitchen, and the food writers have to scramble to create enough content for the channel. francis and james end up being paired for a make-lasagna-together challenge. it doesn’t end well and they spend half the video arguing about how much salt to put in the pasta water.

john irving is in the middle of making his signature kedgeree when he has to run out of frame and vomit in the sink. blanky manages to edit a few seconds out of the final cut, but it’s not enough. youtube removes the video for violating its t&c. 

francis files for several weeks emergency leave. blanky wracks his brain for new content ideas and in desperation, orders camera man tommy jopson to go in and make his mom’s soup recipe. the video gets 1.5M views.

george hodgson answers questions in reddit and someone sends him a link to a fanfic of him chopping onions while catholic mass today plays in the background. in the fic, he starts crying when the priest raises the chalice over his head.

francis comes back from emergency leave and is immediately paired with james for their new chef-teaches-chef series. dundy has to teach them how to temper chocolate and they are horrible at it. francis gets water in the bowl, and james messes up the temperature. they make a strip of chocolate each, and the moment they taste each other’s chocolate while having intense eye contact inspires at least a hundred gifsets.

in another chef-teaches-chef episode, edward little accidently responds to francis’s intructions with “yes, chef.” individual viewers discover a new kink that day. 

james is also struck with food poisoning and it is all very horrible. fans send him well wishes on twitter. francis wreaks havoc in the kitchen and orders no new videos made until the freezers are defrosted and cleaned and every questionable tupperware is thrown.

intern tommy hartnell saves the day by noticing molds in one of the sponges in the sink. francis orders all utensils cleaned and sterilized. when he asks h.r. to reprimand the janitor for not replacing the sponge, goodsir tells him that newly hired contractual, e*** c*** hasn’t reported to work in five days.  

james returns to work and his first video is an outdoor kitchen episode on tofu kebabs. it’s cold out and he’s wearing a threadbare scarf in red and black. an internet super sleuth traces this to the merch page of banbridge town fc.

Tom Hartnell is very lucky to still have a paid internship. His latest assignment doesn’t make sense much, but he reckons that Mr. Blanky’s just trying to keep him busy while he wrangles with his talents over Zoom. Tom sighs as he clicks play. He’ll need a whole box of GM’s Greatest Coffee Cakes to get through this.

cooking lessons, father figures, domestics, blanky the terror -- bon appetit test kitchen au that no one asked for