Reflecting on my "theriotypes"
There's a TL;DR at the bottom for those who don't want to deal with my walls of text. I get it.
I think my āshallowestā type is probably my dhole and german shorthair pointer types. I think a lot of my ācanineā behaviors come from being a seal. Seals have a lot of things in common with dogs, thereās a reason theyāre commonly referred to as āsea puppiesā. Iāve been seriously considering dropping the canine labels all together, but Iām going to think on it for a while before making any definitive decisions.
My seagull identity isnāt as shallow as my canine identities, but it isnāt the same as my seal identity. I donāt physically identify as a seagull, but I still think of myself as one often. Iām not really sure where my seagull-ness falls, but itās not something I plan on dropping or letting go of. Calling myself a seagull feels right, I just donāt know what that rightness really is yet. Weāre working on it.
The real nitty gritty comes from my seal identity. This one is complicated.
I havenāt said it out loud, havenāt written it down, havenāt admitted it to myself before this. But I physically am a harbor seal. This is something Iāve been grappling with for months, fighting with myself over this simple fact. Iāve felt a lot of fear over this, a lot of conflict. It feels like Iām arguing with a second person when I think about it. In my heart I know Iām a seal, but my āhuman logicā keeps yelling and screaming that itās not possible. It shouts and screams that if I got genetically tested itād come back human. That this human suit is my ātrueā body, that itās never been anything else.
The best comparison I can draw here is to gaslighting. It feels like Iām gaslighting myself. I know Iām a seal, but thereās this tiny voice in my head that says thatās impossible. Itās been a fight to wrap my head around myself and what I am. Thatās part of why Iām journalling and posting my thoughts on Tumblr.
What Iāve figured out is that I am a harbor seal. I might not be the right shape right now, but I firmly believe that at some point before I was. Iām not sure what happened that ended with me stuck in this human suit, but it happened. And before it happened I was physically a harbor seal. This wasnāt a past life, or some psychological fluke. I was a harbor seal in this life, then something forced me into this shape. On a biological level I am still a harbor seal, it's just masked by a human trick.
Iāve wondered if I was a captive or wild seal before I was taken and twisted into this shape. I donāt think I was a mature seal when I was turned into this thing. Iāve had nightmares about being twisted into this vile creature, of drowning in cold water with hands holding me down and blinding lights shining in my eyes. Itās all been confusing and distressing, and Iām still trying to figure it out. Iāll continue sharing bits and pieces of my journalling to understand myself, both to hear from others with similar experiences to my own and to help shine a light on the atypical alterhuman experiences.
One day I hope to live as a seal again. I havenāt figured out how to achieve this yet, but Iām willing to dedicate the rest of my life to figuring it out.
I've considered dropping the term therian all together, since I don't feel it fits what I experience as a seal. Not sure about it yet.
I'd love to hear from those of you who have similar experiences or struggles.
TL;DR- I am physically a harbor seal that's been forced into the wrong shape, regardless of what anyone tells me. On some level I still identify as a seagull, I will not be dropping this identity. Seriously considering dropping canine types, I think it was misinterpreted seal behaviors. Considering dropping the term therian.
