#templararmor

                                   Such as him.

miscellaneous.  /  accepting.

She’s shaking.

BE A GOOD GIRL, MARIGOLD.  STAY QUIET, MARIGOLD.  IF YOU STAND UP FOR THEM THEN THE TEMPLARS WILL TURN ON YOU AND THEY WILL HURT YOU AGAIN.  THEY WILL HURT YOU, MARIGOLD, LIKE FATHER HURT YOU, AND YOU WILL DESERVE IT.  STAY QUIET, MARIGOLD.

Her hands won’t stop shaking.  They hang open and trembling by her sides, burnished eyes lowered and darting.  He’d threatened one of the mages in the ranks and she’d overheard.  Don’t take it too personally, he said, meant to be a comfort.  YOU’RE NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ONES.  It doesn’t change anything.  He’d threatened one of the mages.  The Templar threatened one of the mages.  She remembers this.

(  remembers the sound of armored hands meeting bare flesh.  remembers the sound of sobs and cries.  remembers being a monster and doing nothing out of fear / out of cowardice / out of selfishness.  )

The Templar could hurt you if you stand up, Marigold.

Father beat her head against the fireplace and when she shouted and sobbed he only got angrier.  The Templar pushed her to the ground when she panicked because he grabbed her.  The Templar reached for her hair and yanked her head up to face him.

He threatened one of the mages.  He could hurt you if you stand up, Marigold.

She feels tears prick at her eyes and blinks them back.

YOU ARE NOT IN THE CIRCLE ANYMORE, MARIGOLD.  YOU PROMISED THAT YOU WOULD STOP BEING A COWARD, MARIGOLD.

Her hands will not stop shaking even as she curls them slowly into fists.

IF YOU STAY QUIET YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS THE TEMPLARS, MARIGOLD.

Her eyes raise and catch his FINALLY, and they are afraid but her brows are furrowed and her teeth are grinding behind her mouth.  Her fists curl tighter.  NO MORE.

“N - no,” she says, stutter catching her voice but somehow doing nothing to soften the syllable.  THE MAGE steps towards him and for once she looks her height, for once she seems taller than he is —— YET SHE IS STILL TERRIFIED.  SHE IS STILL AFRAID OF HIM.  BUT SHE WILL NOT LET FEAR BE THE THING THAT MAKES HER MONSTROUS.  She says again, “No, Cullen.

Be brave, Marigold.

“You will not threaten my mages.  You will NOT threaten the mages under my protection.”  Her teeth bare.  Empty lungs empty chest terrified but YOU SWORE, MARIGOLD.

cullen’s right u know

     ❛❛ I  AM  PLEASED  TO  OFFER  MY  SERVICES  WHEREVER  NEEDED        ❜❜     punctuating  genuine  offerance  of  aid  with  careless  salute   ,   perhaps  more  mocking  of  the  tense  air  permeating  office  alight  with  flickering  candle  flame.  atmosphere  such  as  this  only  push  at  fraying  nerves  ,  will  to  please   &   elate  provoking  ill  timed  humor.     ❛❛ i  have  done  my  fair  share  of  battles   &   the  front  lines  are  just  as  welcoming  as  the  shadows  ever  were.  be  it  bow  or  sword,  TELL  ME  what  needs  done   ,   commander. ❜❜

                    Something has settled beneath his skin and his liver craves toxicity but he reaches for tea, instead. Kettle screams and he breathes and holds the warm mug securely as he makes his way to Cullen’s side, curling against / around / within him. No room for hesitation, any longer. Watches the overly bright screen ; waits for his tea to steep.

                ❝ ——  A riveting article recently informed me that video games are poisoning the minds of today’s youth, ❞ familiar words familiar shape familiar smell familiarity. ❝ Think of the children, Cullen. ❞

                 what does it mean to be vulnerable? discomfort / unnatural / weakness / wrongness / skin too tight / do not let it happen you cannot let it happen EVERYTHING WILL FALL APART.

                what does it mean to be vulnerable? weak morning light / crumbling roof / sleep worn / bare skin / tired eyes / hair loose / clothes awry. the act of not hiding of awaking and remaining and reaching and touching and mouths pressing and breath acrid and saccharine sweetness dripping, dripping, dripping.

                what does it mean to be vulnerable? caught in darkness / dim candle light / bed bending creaking shifting / warmth pressed above around all around / arms wrapping head tucking knees pressing / no words no time no sound / fingers locking.

                what does it mean to be vulnerable? caught in darkness —— this is not the same. caught in darkness / no light to be seen / stars marred in the sky / sleeping clinging sleep grasping sleep sinking / nightmares screaming ripping tearing apart / reaching for the person beside / breathing gasping seething.

                this is what it means to be vulnerable, he decides in the space between breaths in the space between themselves in the space between. it’s aching and gasping and awaking and settling in waiting arms and holding and beholding and adoring and hurting and bleeding. it’s hurting and yearning and fingers buried in curly hair and the soft glow of faraway magic, a ball of light tossed and settled into the corner. far. not too far.

               it is pieces of yourself given and parts of yourself gifted and half a heart merged with another and self burial in a body which you hold dear. it is looking within the eyes of someone and reaching for them and choosing them and blaspheme within the eyes of andraste and the maker. it is prying apart your rib cage at your sternum and baring your gaping darkness and waiting.

                there are soldiers moving beyond ; time for the watch to change. there are two bodies entangled within; this is them, bare.

                cullen trembles in his arms and he holds him close holds him dear holds him. attempts to breathe in time ( he can’t quite get it, can’t quite reach it, breaths too erratic and instead he breathes steady and slow and deep. ) knows that it is not enough but knows that it must be enough, knows that he cannot do more for all that he may wish to. cullen’s mouth parts and he speaks and dorian makes a soft noise, noncommittal.

              ❝ memories don’t like being forgotten, i’ve found, ❞ he’s quiet, for once. near silent, for once. voice sleep rough beneath the gaping night sky and he holds this man that he, curiously and against all reason, loves. ❝ they’re rather stubborn that way. ❞

               this is what it means to be vulnerable, he decides as he curves himself to fit the shape of cullen’s body. two men forcing the universe to mold to them as they shelter each other. knowing, undoubtedly and absolutely, that being without him would be existing without his HEART.