#teleshopping

Durarara x Teleshopping

Mamami Mamiya runs popular TV programme that sells the most useless products on the planet for cosmic prices. One day Mamami advertise jar filled with Lincoln’s original pairs of sock. Unfortunately there is only one of a kind and two mystrious customers are competing for it. The great battle begins.

ein Promo Video mit Patina!

Die Band Tennis, kündigen in guter alter Teleshopping Manier ihren neuen Longplayer an.

FADE IN:

INTERIOR: A cheaply-lit studio with bright, flickering lights. A table draped in velvet cloth sits centre stage. GARENDUR OF FERRINLAND (40s, male, human) stands beside it wearing a shimmering purple suit jacket that's seen better days.

His operator and assistant, ELWYRIN OF FARFORESTS (20s, male, elf) operates the camera. His high-pitched voice calls from off-screen.

GARENDUR (overly enthusiastic, to camera): Good morning, night owls and insomniacs! I'm Garendur of Ferrinland, the Last of the Sea*, the First of His Name*, the Protector of the Eastern Lodge*, and your host for tonight*!

Crawl text appears at bottom of screen: "All titles sold separately"*

GARENDUR (continued): And boy, do we have something special for you here! Have you ever wanted an egg that never ends? Well, now you got your wish granted*!

*Crawl text changes to: "All wishes are non-revokable"*

*Garendur produces a plain-looking egg from beneath the table*

GARENDUR (continued): Once you crack it, it simply flows back inside and seals itself! Amazing for all you crack enthusiasts!

*He pauses, uncertainty is showing on his face.*

GARENDUR (continued): You can crack it and you don't have to uncrack it! Unfortunately, you can't actually cook anything with it! BUT! You CAN pretend that you're cooking something and who knows? Maybe later you can actually pretend to be full! Only now and only today: two silver coins and whatever else you have left! Amazing deals at this amazing hour!*

*Crawl text: "None of the deals are legally recognized as amazing"*

*The image desaturates to black and white.*

ELWYRIN (assistant and operator) (frustrated): Seriously, Garendur, "crack enthusiasts"? You know we can't say that. Not after the incident.

GARENDUR (confused): The incident?

ELWYRIN (annoyed): Yes. THE incident.

GARENDUR: The THE incident?

ELWYRIN (exasperated): Yes! The incident where archmage Gandorf tried to open an egg and cracked his skull.

GARENDUR (nervous): O-okay...

*Image returns to full color. Garendur regains his salesman composure.*

GARENDUR: Next thing that we have here are these amazing pair of wings!

*He struggles, grunting as he lifts a pair of somewhat small but clearly heavy metal wings onto the table. They land with a resounding thud*

GARENDUR (continued), (breathing heavily): Sure, they won't make you fly! In fact, they'll make it harder for you since they're made out of Falentian iron, but! Who needs flying when you can have walking... with style! Actually, more like crawling since they're actually very heavy. Whew, what are these steel wings made of?

(recovering)

Anyway, if you can handle it, you'll look your best at both a modeling show AND the High Towers of Uplands! Just don't fall with them, or you'll be falling with style -

*He winks at the camera, then his expression suddenly changes to extremely serious*

- to your death.

(Garendur changes his face expression back to a friendly salesman one)

Ah yes, the price: we'll take anything honestly at this point, we just need to get them off the list as fast as possible. AND NO REFUNDS!

ELWYRIN (operator and assistant) (suspicious): One question, Garendur? Did you just find them near our office? Because I could swear I saw a guy leave them there like an hour -

*Garendur quickly cuts him off, snapping back into host mode.*

GARENDUR (overly bright): And finally, our last piece of magical magic for you tonight - a book!

*Camera pans to reveal an absolutely ordinary-looking book on the table*

*Camera pans back to Garendur*

GARENDUR (continued) (reading from teleprompter): And not any kind of book! A book that... that turns your life into a comedy script?..

(pausing, confused)

Wait, that doesn't sound right. Elwyrin, am I reading that correctly?

ELWYRIN: It's what it says here. "A book that turns your life into a comedy script." Wait, are you reading it right now?!

GARENDUR (starting to laugh): I'm sorry, it's just actually kind of funny, see, it says here you'll...

*A paper towel flies into frame and hits him in the face*

ELWYRIN (sharply): Garendur!

GARENDUR (snapping back): Oh yeah, the show!

(back to camera)

And you'll get it for the small, small price of complete and utter... two dollars! Yeah, that's it. We don't even know what a dollar is, but it says so on the back cover! 

GARENDUR (contunued): And this concludes our little show for tonight! Come back in the morning and we'll present to you: a toaster that just steals toasts from other toasters -

(aside)

- do not put your own toasts in it, it will steal it from you too! 

(back to camera)

Garendur (continued): A magical wand that is neither magical nor a wand, and an enchanted knife that is enchanted to only be dull unless sharpened! And we're out!

*He holds his smile for the camera*

GARENDUR (continued) (relaxing):

So how'd it go? Wait, let me better check the book!

*Another paper towel flies into frame in the Garendur's direction*

*Freeze and fade to black as it's about to hit him*