Interconnectedness (We All Have Metamours)
In a monogamous relationship, you only have to worry about two people, right? Wrong. In-laws, friends, coworkers, children... There are so many connections our partners will have, even if they’re the most isolated lone wolf howling out there.
Essentially, we all have metamours. Of a sort. And unfortunately, sometimes we won’t like everyone in our partner’s life - sometimes we just have to sit with gritted teeth through that monthly family dinner and get on with living. In polyamory, and ethical nonmonogamy, we have many more of these connections - after all, we have multiple partners, with their own multiple relationships, families and friends.
Right now, I’m in the fortunate position of being friends with all my metamours. Even my long-distance partners have suddenly developed relationships with my friends. No one ever accused this group of lacking in incest.
Unfortunately, just because I love all my metamours and am good friends with most of them doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes dislike them being my metamour as opposed to just my friend.
Take Pete for example, from my previous post. Pete is great. I love him. But there’s a reason we never had a relationship, and it wasn’t lack of attraction. He’s controlling, he’s narcissistic, he’s manipulative on good days and psychologically abusive on bad ones. I love him. And I admire Bea for loving him in the way she does. I admire him for trying to grow and change. But goddamn if I don’t wish they weren’t together sometimes. When I’ve seen him shouting at her, just incandescent with rage, when he’s broken up with her only to get straight back together, as some kind of punishment, when I’ve seen her messaging him with chewed lip and stonefaced... I wish they were hundreds of miles apart. But they aren’t. And simultaneously I’m glad about that. Because they love each other very much, and they have the ability to be amazing good influences on each other, and they are both growing so much together.
This extends to my telemour, Pete’s other partner Flora (who also briefly dated M). I worry about her greatly when I think of her, and I just hope she’s doing as well as she seems. She’s a pretty magical little butterfly and I hate the thought of her hurting.
Another of my metamours has a reputation for emotional abuse and manipulation, and it worries me greatly that Sy has recently started seeing him, and so intensely. They’re becoming very primary and Sy has even considered monogamy with him. I’m worried, yes, but let’s face it, primarily I’m jealous. I’m insecure and scared that I’ll lose him, that I already have lost him. But that worry still exists, and it niggles.
Because here’s the thing: we can’t control who our partners date, no more than we can control who their friends are. If we try, we’re doomed to failure and what’s worse, we’re assholes. Except in very specific cases, veto and controlling your partners’ relationships is a Class A nope in my opinion, though I can see why newly nonmonogamous couples may wish for these things at first.
And sometimes, we just have to grit our teeth through those monthly polycule dinners and get on with living.
