HAPPY PLACE: A Teen Space
I got my girl! These were the first words out of my mouth when the doctor delivered my daughter, Kate. I had been told I was having a girl months earlier, but I didn't truly believe it until the doctor announced it in the delivery room. Katelyn Benefiel! The daughter I had dreamed of for as far back as I can remember.
I won't lie and say my early days as a mom were the things dreams are made of because they were messy. I did not adjust to motherhood like they showed on the old TLC show 'A Baby Story.' For months prior to Kate's birth, I watched this show and bought their portrayal of motherhood hook line and sinker. Mom is pregnant; mom gives birth with minimal mess; mom and baby walk off into the sunset; mom knows exactly what to do and enjoys every minute of it. Nope! That's not what happened for me and I was understandably upset with this show and myself for believing it so wholeheartedly.
Post-partum depression hit me soon after delivering my daughter. Fortunately, it didn't last but the feeling that I did not know what I was doing did remain. I felt like there was this yet unknown mistake I could make that would lead to Kate's death. Literally, I was constantly worried about her mortality and I wondered if she would be better off with a different mom who was enjoying every minute of it. It didn't help that she was on a heart and breathing monitor after failing the sleeping test at the hospital. But, I think I would have felt the way I did with or without that constant reminder of the risk of loving someone so much.
I have always been a slow beginner. My Earth Space science teacher in high school told my parents, "Melissa is what I call a slow starter, but now she's doing great!" Give me a minute and I can kick ass and take names at almost anything, but early on ... I'm pensive, hesitant and proceed cautiously. It was this way with motherhood in the beginning too.
I lacked the wisdom and foresight to realize those early years as a mom are difficult for everyone, but also precious and over in the blink of an eye. I look back on the young mom I was and wish she could have relaxed and enjoyed that precious moment in time especially since Katelyn turned out to be my only child. With four short years at home left, I am preparing myself for the long goodbye. I allow myself to have sympathy for the woman I was when I had a newborn, but I still wish she'd known better and trusted herself more. I wish she had known how good being a mom would get as that baby became a fun little girl.
I have thrived as a mom since Kate was old enough to have a real conversation. At around 4, I hit my groove as a mom and have enjoyed the ride since. Katelyn is my dream child. She is my favorite topic of conversation. I always thought that your husband is supposed to be the love of your life and my love for my husband is indeed beyond what I knew existed before him, but your child...my daughter... she's the love of my life! Every love before her was selfish and self-serving. I only thought I loved well before her.
That's not to say my daughter is perfect. I get my fair share of eye rolls.... the look that says, 'mom, you are sooo not cool.' And her early middle school years broke my heart again and again. It was the first time I couldn't fix her hurts. It was the first time I saw her experience real, deep down sadness and feared what would be for her. While she is doing beyond well now, I know there will be many long nights in my future knowing that moms can't fix everything. In fact, it’s better if we let our kids fix them or let them learn to accept the hard times as part of what helps them become who they are made to be.
Kate is bold. She is what my husband has always called me, 'a fighter of injustice.' She gets as angry as I do knowing something is happening that should NOT. Kate is beautiful. When she was little, she looked just like me. Everyone called her my 'mini-me.' Now she looks more like my husband and is becoming more of a blend of the two of us. Kate is an old soul. I have conversations with her that make me forget she's 14, not 21 or 41. Yet... she's still a kid. I know this when she tries to get by with fibbing about chores and won't look me in the eye. I know it when I wake her up in the morning and she wants me to get in bed with her and cuddle. There's still a little girl inside that growing teenager.
What's it like to be a teenager in 2019? There are definitive ways its more difficult. They didn't do shooting drills when I was in school and our teenagers have been doing them since elementary school. Our politics are much like the tumultuous 1960s and they are bombarded with information and images on their phones. Social media extends the social politics after hours. But, some things never change about being a teen like the need to have a space to call your own, close the door, dance it out or to just ... be ... still.
In some ways, our teenagers need a Happy Place more than we do. They face a lot of stress and anxiety in both their academic work and the social mind field that is middle and high school. Mean girls have cell phones now! We all went through those challenging years and there was nothing better than coming home and closing the door to the outside world at least for a little while.
Kate is Boho to my Classic design sense. She's warm yellows and soft pinks to my love of green, blue or even better...teal! Her room is a reflection of her free spirit and everything she loves, including Timothee Chalamet, Kurt Cobain, and To Kill A Mockingbird. One of her most prized possessions is a picture of the actress who played Scout, Mary Badham, laying on the lap of Gregory Peck who played the epic role of Atticus Finch. She still tells me all the time that if she has a son, there is no doubt she will name him Atticus. A poster above her bureau came out of an album my sister gave her; it’s a black and white of John Lennon at a white piano. Like I said, she’s an old soul.
Kate has a TV in her room, but it’s rarely on except during the holidays when she has Christmas movies on 24/7. She has an X-box too, but most of the time she is all cozied up reading in her little window cubby. She started reading at 4, but there was a period of time in late elementary school when she stopped reading much for pleasure. A couple of years ago, she started reading all the time and I'm so grateful she knows and loves the escape and pleasure of reading.
Kate’s love of California, anything retro, and family are abundant in her Happy Place. Her California postcards from our vacation last year to the bay area are on a corkboard with a printed out image of ‘Hyde’ from That 70s Show, along with a picture of my mom on her wedding day and a handwritten note she got from my father. Why shouldn’t Kurt Cobain, Gregory Peck, and her grandpa be together? She combines these people as they are in her heart … all together making her happy.
Kate loves earthy things like lavender, dried flowers, succulents, colorful crystals, rocks and a yellow butterfly in a little glass bottle. Much like her mom, she loves a badass that’s not afraid to stand out so Stevie Nicks appearing on the cover of the Rumours album is displayed on a shelf. An antique camera and her new polaroid are laid out with pride as well. You can see the old soul Kate is throughout. I can almost picture her first apartment!
In a rather large room, Kate actually spends most of her time in the little window cubby listening to music and reading. It’s the kind of space I would love to have had when I was her age. Her window looks out above the neighborhood, her world still small, while she dreams of a bigger life somewhere else. And at the same time, a ceramic moon is hung above her window that once hung above her crib. That’s the thing with being a teenager. You long to grow up, but you’re constantly reminded of the child you still are.
The days of knowing Katelyn is upstairs in her room are growing shorter each day. The Saturdays of running over to Target and spending $75 on nothing we need won’t last forever. The drives in the car when she opens up in ways she never does any other time are numbered. The moments I spend looking at Kate and wondering how she got so incredibly beautiful and uniquely poised…will go on as long as I am breathing.
I can’t wait to watch this young woman go out into the world and do so many of the things I was afraid to do and more. I long to see Kate live bigger than her dad and I dreamed possible. But, for now, I’ll enjoy knowing she’s upstairs in her room, reading a book, talking to her boyfriend, or looking out the window dreaming about her future . . . beneath the ceramic moon I picked out when she was a twinkle in my eye.
