#tech master

(open for better quality)

The most asked-after how-to guide on the internet. Ever.

Hello world. This here is your essential guide on becoming a Professional Tech Whiz(tm) like me. Try to contain your excitement.

1. Forget how the arrow keys work AT LEAST once a week minimum

2. Make a habit of accidentally hitting the power button instead of backspace

3. Fail at taking screenshots on a phone (hit either the home button or the power button too soon and end up exiting the app you were on or turning off your phone)

4. Become a master of dropping food on your keyboard

5. Forget the most basic keyboard shortcuts (i.e. Ctrl + C for copy and Ctrl + V for paste)

6. Whenever you need to find a function that is not explicitly labeled in extra-large neon orange text, search for upwards of 30 minutes before finding it and forgetting what you needed it for

7. Forget that you can have multiple tabs open at once 

8.  Neglect to plug in devices before going to bed so that your phone, laptop, and any other electronics you have are perpetually dead

9. Constantly forget passwords

10. Change settings, then forget that you changed them and take your (exceptionally loud) confusion to anyone who will listen

11. Possess a puzzling combination of stubborn unwillingness to accept help with technology and a very annoying need of assistance at the most inconvenient times

12. Text at the speed of a snail dragging a thousand-pound weight

13. Check your inbox about once a millennia

14. Struggle with putting your headphone jack into the correct hole, every single time, without fail

15. Insist on writing down all of your passwords in different obscure places instead of just using an extension that remembers all of your passwords for you

16. Allow the convenience and ease of the bookmarks bar to be utterly wasted on you, because you don’t use it

17. Type with only your index fingers

18. Struggle endlessly with any kind of social media

19. Forget that you can adjust volume on a laptop without opening the menu in the corner

and of course, the most important:

20. Drop your electronics. All the time. Drop your phone while trying to put it into your pocket. Fumble with the iPad as you attempt and fail to prop it up on the edge of a table. Accidentally let your laptop slide out of your arms as you juggle a coffee cup, your keys, papers for work, and about a thousand other things.