#tearmeopen

Well... I guess I should update what's been going on in my life for the past 3 and a half months haha... My last blog entry was midway through September, I was dating Chris and pretty much up to the usual shit.

He and I broke up this month actually.... Things were okay for a while, and we ended up making it for 5 months.. But I dunno. I just wasn't into it anymore, and we both want different stuff in the long run and plus I'm ready to settle down like *now*. I don't wanna sit around for 5 years while he grows up and goes to the bars and gets in fights. I wanna settle down. So I broke it off with him... And he didn't take it very well. He got very angry and tried threatening me with a video he has of us doing... stuff, by saying he would put it on the internet. I hope he doesn't... But I haven't spoken to him, so I don't know.

He posted on my wall on Christmas saying "i love you baby merry christmas" or something. I deleted it. He saw that and got mad and said "cant fucking believe you deleted my wall post, k, goodfuckingbye." followed by "I'm just gunna go fuck some random sluts, since you're clearly over me". I never replied, and I'm not going to... He hasn't tried to say anything since then... So yeah. I hope it's actually over now... Like it killed me to break up with him, because I was so happy with him and we had a great time together, but I knew it wasn't going to last... I was only doing what I thought was best for my future.

When we broke up I had so many second thoughts about it though, like I just wanted to go back to him... But then he started threatening me and calling me a bitch/slut/emo fuck and I realized that he's definitely not the one for me lol.

I recently started talking to Danny again (to summarize, we met on POF earlier this year, around March I guess is when we started talking haha. We talked for like 2-3 months, texted all day and had deep conversations about everything... hung out twice before he vanished off the face of the earth. We hooked up the second time we hung out... And I thought maybe that was why he left, but more on that later.) and things are going super well. We started talking like... a month ago maybe. I was on POF and just kinda browsing cause I was bored, and I saw that his profile was still up, so I just kinda took a chance and messaged him because I figured 6 months had passed so maybe we could be friends now. I wasn't expecting him to reply at all tbh, but he did and he gave me his number and that's when this all started.

We've been texting everyday since then and about two weeks ago he apologized for everything that happened last time, and said that he thinks I'm a great girl and that we should hang out sometime soon and see what happens from there. :) Last week we had a really great conversation, we talked about what we want out of life and whatnot. He talked about how he's tired of flings and dating and he just wants to settle down and I agreed. We talked about how our past relationships have fucked us over, and how we can help each other heal and trust again. It was really nice, plus now we both know what the other wants in the long run.

So yeah, ANYWAYS. Enough back story. We hung out Christmas night... My ex picked up Violet around 7-ish, and then I was going to meet Danny at the bar and have some drinks... but his two brothers wanted to tag along. I didn't want to go, because I get so shy around people I don't know... And it took a few hours for me to change my own mind lmao, but I did it! I called a cab and met up with them and got some drinks and it was amazing.

When I got to the bar, I got myself a beer and then started walking around looking for him... When I found him, he got the biggest silly drunk smile on his face and like ran over and gave me a giant hug haha. He wanted to do some shots, so we walked back over to the bar and waited to be served and just talked. He kept saying over and over, "I can't believe you came, I'm so glad you're here" :) and then he kept apologizing for what happened between us last time and we kissed. It was a great night honestly! I got to the bar around midnight and we stayed for just over an hour I guess. His brothers were cool too, I can't believe I only missed out on this amazing night because I was nervous to be around them lmao. They were so chill and relaxed and goofing off the whole time, and making fun of us for being all kissy. ;P

Anywho, Danny and I had two shots each and two beers. We danced to a couple songs, and we kept kissing and just ugh. <3 My heart is happy. I wasn't sure if I was going to go home with him when I made these plans, but it ended up happening haha, because it took me so long to get to the bar and I wanted to spend more time with him... So we all got a cab back to his place and chilled out in his room for a little while, while they all smoked up. I didn't have any though, cause I don't like bongs. His brothers left at some point, then Danny and I kinda snuggled, talked and made out all night. We passed out around 5am I guess lmao. I remember him asking me if we were together or not and I said yes, but we didn't talk about it in the morning so I don't really know what's up.

Tuesday September 10th: Didn't get up to too much... Was kind of down again, which is terrible... I ended up downloading an app on my laptop to text from my phone online which is handy! I built the second dresser I got from IKEA, and did some painting... Chris and I talk a lot which was nice for a change, he went out the the bar that night though so he was a bit tipsy hahaha. He said maybe we can get a place together, once I find a steady job and have enough money... Which is lovely. :) I told him he doesn't want to live with a two year old though, but he doesn't seem to care. :)

Alrighty. My week has been okay, pretty dull but that's alright.

*Tuesday the 3rd: It was nice and chilly out, I got to take out my new wooly sweater. ;3 Which was beautiful and lovely. Chris was talking about how he's running low on cash so I sent him 30$ so he wouldn't starve until Friday haha. Violet and I pretty much sat on the couch all day and watched Treehouse and snuggled cause it was all cold out.

*Wednesday the 4th: Once again, not a lot was happening. Violet and I went to the pizza place for lunch and I got her strawberry milk and a lollipop as a treat. :) Chris called me and kinda... idk. He basically said that if I don't find a job, then he will leave me. I've tried to explain my anxiety to him, on top of being a single teen mother, on top of having no resume nor experience, nor education to back me up... It's not as simple as he thinks it is. Stayed up super late job searching online... I applied to a lot of place, knowing full well that I would never get any of the jobs. I just wanted to be able to tell Chris that I'm trying... Oh but I did find a daycare for if it DID happen to find a job (har har). I think I might call a temp agency... But once again, my anxiety.... I don't know what to do. Bleah.

*Thursday the 5th: I have 100% no idea what I did. I think I literally sat on my ass all day. :/

*Friday the 6th: Alex came over around noon to bring me smokes and tell me all of the latest gossip. XD And then Lexa came over after that and we had breakfast and did dick all really. I packed and did laundry and got all pretty for Chris. I left for my ex's around 4-5, dropped off my little girl, got dropped off at the mall in Chris' city and bussed to his place. and yeah. <3 We didn't do a lot haha, we went to dinner and then came back to his place and smoked weed and did dirty things and watched movies. It was amazing. :)

*Saturday the 7th: Chris and I sat around in bed most of the day haha. We went out around 11-ish to the mall so he could buy a new phone. He ended up spending a LOT of money hahah, like 900$ or so. He got his pretty new phone and set up a plan and got an otterbox for it... And then we got coffee and chinese food to bring home and picked up chips and drinks. And yeah. once again, mostly ate food and smoked weed and snuggled and watched movies and stuff. We hung out with his roommate for a little bit and had some beer. And then we went back to his room and randomly ended up doing bondage which was interesting... ;) We fell asleep early-ish.

*Sunday the 8th: Chris and I got up early and planned to go do laundry and stuff, but my ex texted me and said Violet would be home at 4... Which meant I had to leave by noon. :( Which sucks, I hadn't seen Chris in three weeks and I had been planning to spend Sunday night and leave at 6am again like last time. But noooo. So I cleaned his room and made his bed, and we hung out and did groceries and stuff. I ended up spending time with his sister in law for a bit haha, while he went back home to grab his wallet. =P And... When we got back to his place, I helped with the groceries a bit and packed up my stuff. Chris walked me to the store and bought me a pack of smokes and I got change for the bus. :) And then we parted ways... I didn't end up getting home until after 4 haha, but that's alright Kyle stalled for me. I got a yummy chai latte from downtown. :) Alex came over for about 20 minutes, stopped to talk to my ex and stuff. And then Lexa came over and stayed til about 10:30, we built a set of drawers for Violet. :)

*Monday the 9th: Very very lazy day. Seriously. I couldn't get out of bed until noon, Violet ended up snuggling with me and watching Barney on Netflix while I slept in because IDK I felt kind of... cold and sad and sleepy and just... unmotivated to do anything. :/ I started to feel better later though, I had coffee and eggs and toast with my girl and took my pill and did some dishes and a wee bit of cleaning haha. I was supposed to go to Lindsey's, but as I said, I was feeling weirdly lazy and exhausted. So I didn't go... Well I tried to go, but Violet got all cranky so we laid down on the couch together. But yeah tomorrow I'm supposed to go see Lindsey and we're gunna make cookies. I feel lazy, but at the same time, I WANT TO MAKE COOKIES. even though i wont be eating them. XD well i'll have some when they're warm and fresh I guess... But yeah.

I went to bed early tonight, around 8 and fell asleep right away which was amazing! but then i woke up again at 12. so... yeah. that didn't work. =P so it's 3 am now, I'm going to have a smoke... And some iced tea... and then try to sleep again i guess. :/ ugh. UGH. LIFE. STRESS. BLEAH.

Well. Let's update on my life, from where I left off...

* Wednesday Aug 28th: It was pretty fucking hot out that day, so I went to the garage and pulled out the air conditioner... Lugged it all the way up the stairs and set it up, and ahhhh it was beautiful after. And uh... Well I can't really remember. My mother brought home some IKEA furniture for Violet and I the night before. We got dressers, since we never actually had any before...

*Thursday Aug 29th: I basically sat around all day, did some cleaning and stuff. Alex did a smoke run for me. I went to Dairy Queen with my mother and Violet, and she played in the jungle-gym thingy with all the other kids. She's getting so great at socializing, it's wonderful. I took some...pictures ;) for Chris later on. Figured I'd spice things up for us, since we're basically long-distance now.

*Friday Aug 30th: Well Violet and I got up earlier than usual, at like 9... We had eggs and bacon and I had coffee.And then we promptly passed out again watching Treehouse on the couch. We got up again at 12, did cleaning and laundry and packing for her weekend with Daddy. We didn't do much, I think we may have gone for a walk to the store? I dunno. My mother came home early, at like... 3. I finished packing and whatnot and we went to drop off Violet at 5. I came back home after (which was weird, because normally when I drop her off, I go to Chris' for the weekend... But he wasn't home so... Yeah. It was weird.) and did my makeup and packed a bag for the weekend. I went to Lexa's and we got vodka and smoked weed and shtuff.

*Saturday Aug 31st: Woke up early-ish, went to Angel's Diner just past noon... That was fucking yummy. Om nom nom. And then Lexa and I went to the Stag shop for a bit and browsed. Aaaand then we went bowling with Jon (and Lexa's Chris) and I didn't suck too badly!!! I got 80 something in my second game which is badass. =D Jon drove us around town after, first we went to WalMart and then we went on a Value Village adventure. I didn't buy anything though haha. And we had ice cream in the jeep. Yay ice cream. Jon drove the two home and then offered to drive me home, but I went to his place first for dinner. It was good. He went to grab beer, and Lexa came over later and we drank some more... Aaaaand. Yeah idk that's pretty much it haha.

*Sunday September 1st: I didn't get home from Lexa's until about 2-3pm. I came home, had a shower, did some tidying and shtuff. Then I went to Alex's for dinner and watched Lip Service. We came back to my place after to drink and play cards (yeah I did a lot of drinking this weekend) but he ended up getting a call from Shari asking if we wanted to go to a party. And we did, it was the long weekend after all. So he headed home to get alcohol and change and I went upstairs to do my makeup and pour myself a shot into a pepsi bottle. I didn't feel like drinking a lot, since I drank all weekend. So one shot. Anyway, we were in the car halfway there when I told Chris I was going to a party and... He kind of.. Flipped out. And I still don't understand why. :/ He said that I would get drunk and end up fucking somebody else because we hadn't been together in so long... And I kept telling him that's not true, I would never sleep with anyone else and that I'm committed to him and he just wouldn't listen. So I turned my phone off so I could enjoy myself and ended up going home not long after arriving. I spent the whole time playing with kitties. I love kitties. Hehe. Anyway, I got home and tried to sleep... I couldn't though because of Chris being all upset, so I tried to call him... He either declined the call or was asleep, I have no idea.

*Monday Sept 2nd: This morning Chris texted at about 7-8 and said "Sorry baby :$" and I felt better after seeing that... But he hasn't said anything since then. I woke up at noon and I've been texting him but he hasn't replied at all. I don't know what's going on.... I miss him a lot... I don't know if he's ignoring me or... I don't know. I don't understand. I tried calling twice, but once again he either declined the call or his phone was dead or something... Cause it didn't go to voicemail or anything. And it rang.... I dont know... I'm scared that he's leaving me :/ I don't know what I did or why this is happening... This has been my entire day really, worrying about Chris and I and missing him. Everything was perfectly fine before I mentioned the party on Sunday night. :/ I dont know... I'm trying to relax and not worry about it. Chris hasn't been online or anything either so maybe he broke his phone or it's been dead or he lost his charger, or aaaaaaagh.

It's 6am, I still can't sleep because I don't know what's happening and I'm scared that I'm going to be abandoned and left all alone in the dark again....... I really love him.... :/ this sucks.

Well... I'm kind of down today... I spent all day yesterday waiting to hear from Chris, I didn't hear from him til after 6pm, and then he went to sleep about an hour later. Today was similar, I heard from him more but he still was vanishing for hours at a time. We talked on the phone for like 7 minutes, we didn't really do a lot of talking... He's for sure staying at work this weekend..... So I'm kind of... yeah. I really didn't sign up for this... I knew we were two cities apart, but this is different, he's across the province for weeks at a time. He does makes me happy though, and we have something pretty good, so I'm doing my best to stay busy and not focus on the loneliness or the fact that i never see him... But I have seen him 6 days out of this month so far, which is good... Idk. I'm just sad and stupid. I really just kind of feel like crying. I want to spend time with him, but it's hard when he's always so set on staying at work and making more money. I really miss him... I don't think he gets it... I'm trying really hard to be a good girlfriend and be supportive and positive and patient. This really sucks. I wish he would just come home...

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Anyway. Yesterday I went to the bank to pull out money and ended up agreeing to make an appointment to switch my account type. For the past two years I've been using a student account haha, even though i'm not a student. It was free though, so that's kinda why I didn't tell the bank to switch me.

Later, I went to the mall with Lexa and Chris. Lexa looked at wallets and shit. I didn't spend a lot of money, I got bus tickets (necessary) and an iced tea. And then i had a baby burger which was less than 2$ and shared a DQ Blizzard with Lexa... And yeah! Oh and I got diapers, which is also necessary. So yeah.

Then Lexa came over later and we smoked a bit of weed... And watched the first Harold and Kumar movie and had nachos and cookies.

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Today, I went to that bank appointment and switched to an Adult Unlimited chequing account. It's like 10$ a month, but I can use my debit as much as I like and PULL OUT MORE THAN 20$ FROM ATMS. FUCK YEAH. And the lady signed me up for a Tax-Free Savings account that is 100% free and has like 1 or 2% interest. I put in 1000$, so I'll see how much interest I get, a month from now. :O Kinda stoked for that haha. FREE MONEY. EVEN IF IT'S 5$. WHOOOOOT.

And then I got a hotdog and a drink (4$) and took the bus home and violet and i kinda hung out and did nothing. I cooked dinner later (nobody touched it, which sucks cause it was awesome) which was pan-fried porkchops in homemade batter and leftover pasta and flaky rolls. It was damn good. I needed veggies though, but I really wasn't in the mood to hunt down/prepare veggies. And yeah..... Then I talked to chris for that little bit and then he went to bed and yeah......... i'm so bummed out right now... like I don't even know what to do with my time so that i don't end up crying. meh...

Well. It's been a long week and a bit haha. To update:

*Thursday the 15th, I went to my dads for the night and we drank and caught up and what not. He asked a lot of questions about Chris haha.

*Friday the 16th, my aunt and uncle came to my dads for the day and met Violet for the first time! They took lots of pictures of her and told me how cute and awesome she is. :) And then later on, once the kids were all in bed, Laura drove Violet to Cambridge for me. Kyle was partying that night, so I had to hand her over to his girlfriend who I hadn't met before... Which was awkward and angering. Meh. And then I got dropped off at the Timmie's by Chris! =D We basically just kinda had sex and went to sleep lmao, because it was like 10pm.

*Saturday the 17th, Chris and I woke up early, like 9-ish I think. And we cleaned and re-organized his room because all of his stuff from when he moved finally arrived. And then we went out to the mall and I bought him a keyboard and mouse for his computer so that we could have a Harry Potter marathon! And we got chips and soda and stuff too. So we had a naked, stoned, munching out day which was amazing. I really needed a day like that haha, after all of the hectic-ness of cleaning the house for the past two weeks.

*Sunday the 18th, I was supposed to go home that day but Chris and I never get to see each other much so I ended up crashing for the night. We spent most of the day kinda cuddling and not doing anything, and then went out later on to the laundry mat. And we got pizza and drinks while sitting around and talked a lot about stuff and life and us. :) It was a good day.

*Monday the 19th, Chris had to get up at 4:30 to catch a ride to woke (he works like 3 hours away, starts at 7) so I had to get up and leave at 5. I made his bed for him and stuff so it would be all nice when he comes home again. I went to the Timmies and got breakfast and coffee and sat around until the buses started at 6. I took like 7 buses that day haha. It was nuts. Took the bus from Tims to the mall, to the smart centers to catch the go bus. I sat around at the smart centers for a while, because the go bus wasn't going to show up for another hour or so. I went to Walmart and bought makeup. =D Anyway, then I caught the go bus to catch ANOTHER go bus that would take me to my city. Then I got off at the university, caught another bus there to get downtown. Then from downtown, home. Sigh. Long day. I came home and had a bubble bath and that's about it I think haha. I napped and watched Orange is the New Black and relaxed. Then, later on I went to see Lindsey since I had been too busy for a while. We went for a walk and got pizza and coffee and smoked weed and drank beers.

*Tuesday the 20th, I got my baby bonus that day so I went to Value Village with Lexa and did shopping. I got 3 pairs of jeans, two sweaters, and fuckload of stuff for Violet. =D It was a fun day, didn't do a lot. Had a lot of ice capps though.

*Wednesday the 21st, I started taking birth control pills! Finally. I got them off Lindsey when I went to visit her. I got up at like 10, had a bubble bath, played some MapleStory, watched TV. Around... 2-ish I guess, I went to go see Heather downtown. I bought us some Subway for lunch and she talked about her drunken crazy night haha. Then I came home, and did nothing. Violet came home around 10 that night. We stayed up for a bit and cuddled and watched Marmaduke on Netflix. :) And had soup.

*Thursday the 22nd, I had a shitty day. I felt sick and shitty and meh. I got up at like 9 or so, and I was fine. I took my pill at 12, and Vi and I had a nap not long after. When I woke up, I had an awful migrane and ugh. It was shitty. I was really hungry though, and we had no food in the fridge... So I ordered Swiss Chalet. Walked to Big Bear to pull out a twenty, and got Gatorade and chocolate milk for Violet. I ate a bit, but not a lot and then I was sick after... It was shitty. Uhm, then my grandmother turned up and she took me grocery shopping, and I spent 90$ which I'm still pissed about. Shari came over when I got back home and helped me take apart my bed and blah blah blah. Chris and I had a long talk when I saw he was still using POF, so he deleted it... We talked on the phone for the first time that night which was awesome! =D

*Friday the 23rd, I didn't do much during the day haha, Alex came over later on and did a smoke run for me and then we sat on my front porch for a bit and played Caravan and had a few beers. And then I came in and watched The Ellen Show on Netflix for a bit, while I waited for Chris to call me... He was drunk too haha and we ended up talking for like an hour. He said he loves me! =D <33333 And I said it back.

*Saturday the 24th, My mother came home at like 7am. She spent like the whole day in bed. Shari came over, we took Violet to the park and built sand castles and shtuff. Then I brought her home and she had a bubble bath when Shari left. Shari wanted me to come over for the night, because her parents were out of town for the night so I said I'd ask my mother if it was cool. My mother agreed to mind Violet for the night, so I did dishes and cleaned myself up and then Alex came to pick me up. We stopped to get Mary Jane (cough cough) on the way to Shari's haha. It was a pretty good night, we did lots of shots and I had a few mixed drinks. We all split 2 joints. It was Alex and I, and then Shari and her brother, and three people who I didn't know. Two of the people left around 12, Alex left around 2. Then we all crashed.

*Sunday the 25th, Shari and I got up around 11, we had waffles and kinda... sat around. She straightened my hair, and then we did some painting and stuff. We had Mary Browns with her family and then went bowling. Then around 8-9, my mother picked us up from Timmies and she dropped Shari off at home. I put Violet in bed as soon as I got in, and then I came to my room and here I am. :) It's like 1am. Oh and I talked to Chris on the phone tonight. :) And we were all cute and cheesy on the phone and oh god I miss him. He said he might not come home this weekend either. :( I hope he does. I took some "pictures" for him tonight too. ;)

Well I was disappointed today to see that I spent over 600$ this month... When I only get 500$ per month from baby bonus (I was applying for jobs this week though, so fingers crossed). I had all of that money saved up for first and last and... ugh. look at me now. :/ On the 20th I'll be getting that 500$ though, which is nice. I'm trying to set myself a limit of 100$ a week or roughly 15$ a day. So I don't spent a ton of money this month... I hope I can do it!

On a plus note, Chris is giving me 100$ next week and Lindsey owes me 40$ still. Not to mention that my ex's stupid fucking father owes me 250$. -.-' That was my own stupidity for loaning it to him though... Fucking MacMillans. Fuck them all. Except for my baby girl of course. But I don't consider her one of them.

Anywho, we got our hot water today!!! =D I'm so fucking happy. I had a bubble bath and a glass of wine and aaaahhhh <3. So relaxed. I'm staying up late tonight, I got milk and sugar from the store today so I can make coffee in the morning ;). Win. I'm going to clean my room and then maple if I'm not too sleepy and then I'll crash!

Chris is coming over on Saturday night I believe. And if not I'll go to his city to see him. I haven't seen him since... The 4th. But I spent that whole weekend with him because his brother was camping. So it was like 3 nights and 4 days. It was amazing. However that was two week ago, so I'm kind of suffering cuddle/sex/boyfriend withdrawals.

Tomorrow (or I guess technically today... It's 12am haha) I'm going to my dads until Saturday morning or maybe Friday night if I can manage. My aunt and uncle are coming to visit, and they haven't met my daughter yet! Which is kind of crazy haha, she's over 2 now. And then either Kyle is going to pick her up Saturday morning (I hope!!!) or I'll try to get my step mother to drop her off with him. And then I see Chris!!!! =D <3 So happy and excited and ah.

Anywho! Drinking a beer and trying to watch an episode of Orange is the new Black. The site I usually use is down... I signed up for a paypal so I can use Netflix haha, but that will take a few days to process since it's through my bank account because I don't have a credit card. So yeaaaah.

Righty-o. I had a lovely day! =D Chris and I seem to be all better, which is awesome. <3 And I had a bubble bath and it was fucking beautiful. I haven't had a bubble bath in ages hahaha.

The hot water people came here today to replace it, and they ended up saying our heater ISN'T broken, and that we need a plumber to fix some valve. So I'm a bit pissed. We're still without hot water.

For my bubble bath, I had about 3 kettles going and a giant pot on the stove and I did like 10 trips with each of them to the tub... It was so worth it. I feel so so so good and clean and relaxed. I forgot wine though, but whatever!

Tonight, since I feel so lovely, I'm going to continue cleaning my room until like midnight-ish (I don't wanna stay up too late, I ended up passing out around 5am last night!). And tomorrow I'm going to tackle THE FRIDGE (dun dun duunnnn) since it's garbage day Thursday morning. We found gas masks so it's all good. XD that will help with the smell and whatever.

And I re-downloaded MapleStory today! I've been playing since I got out of my bath ^^ I'm going to play for another hour or so and then go to my room.

So fucking happy today, ahhhh. It's a wonderful, beautiful change! Expecially with this hectic week of super-cleaning and insomnia and sick little girl and boyfriend problems.