#teamdarkknight

It's been nearly three and a half months since the last time I reviewed a new Gossip Girl, and I have to say that even given some of the disappointing writing and plots and subplots and unnecessary guest stars one after the other that we've had to experience, I've missed some of the witty banter we all engage in as a result of these things. And the truth remains this simple: Those of us who truly love these characters and connect to them still care what happens to them. It might be a little masochistic, but we're just as loyal to the NJBC and Co. as they are to each other.

In case you missed the season four finale -- which I did not recap -- or in case you missed parts of season four out of protest or just general disinterest, let me bring you up to speed.

What you might have missed ... Or, what you might be glad you didn't see ...

Last season began in Paris, where our Blair met Louis Grimaldi, Prince of Monaco. They had a bit of a fling, but Blair left Louis in Monaco with one of her shoes. Over the course of the beginning of season four, Blair and Serena both started school at Columbia, and Serena moved into the Waldorf residence, and subsequently started an affair with one of her teachers. Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck dealt with what it really meant to be broken apart and found that underneath all their anger with each other was some room for hate sex ... And then they realized that it wasn't really hate -- it was love. (It's a thin line, folks, we've always known that.) But Blair didn't want to be "Chuck Bass's Girlfriend" -- she wanted to be Blair Waldorf first and become a powerful woman.

And just about the time they started learning how to be friends, Blair got an internship at W Magazine with Lonely Boy, who apparently gathered all the fashion knowledge necessary to work at a fashion magazine simply by dating Serena Van Der Woodsen. That's right, girls, your boys can apparently learn things like designer brand identification and high heel shoe theory by osmosis, or at least they can in Gossip Girl's universe (which means that that line of thinking probably holds about the same amount of water as a colander does). And then, the unthinkable happened -- somehow, Blair and Dan became friends. Flirty friends. And Dan ... yea, he actually fell for Blair. I didn't know someone from Brooklyn could actually fall for Blair ... I mean, Brooklyn is so much lower on B's social ladder than the Upper East Side. So let's say Dan face planted for Blair -- because that's really how it went down (no pun intended). I've seen drunken girls in high heels trolling the street after final call who wipe out more gracefully than how badly Dan ate pavement in his fall for Blair ... Actually, I've been one of those girls. And I always stick my landing. But I digress ...

Meanwhile, we found out that Lily Van Der Woodsen Bass Humphrey (say that five times fast ... then say it five times fast after drinking a lot of Scotch, because we know that's how most of the UES-ers would have to do it) has signed an affidavit that sent Serena's former teacher from boarding school, Ben, to prison for having sexual relations with a student, and his younger sister, Juliet Sharp, descended on the NJBC and Co. to seek revenge on Serena. When all her best efforts fail, she enlists the help of Jenny Humphrey -- previously banished to Hudson by Blair -- and Vanessa "I Have Given Up on Combing My Hair, So Now I Unsuccessfully Try to Be a Deviant" Abrams in her take down. They successfully manage to drug Serena and take her to a hotel room and lock her away. She wakes up there higher than a kite and is quickly deposited at the Ostroff Center where we believe the Van Der Woodsens got a retroactive two-for-the-price-of-one deal, given that Eric spent some time there, too.

In the meantime, Eric develops a friendship with Damien Dalgaard -- drug dealer un-extraordinaire -- and an even closer bond with his pharmaceuticals. When he decides to go cold turkey, he agrees to help Damien do some of his dealing in exchange for his silence and Serena tries to step in in his place. This activity allows the Van Der Woodsen Humphrey Bass clan to have some major bragging rights -- Jenny, Eric, and Serena have now all been involved in drug trafficking. And if you add to the fact that we know Chuck has long had an affinity for getting high, you can add a fourth. Hey Humphrey -- which one of these is not like the other one? And do you have any plans to join in the crowd? Surely your career as an outsider getting in is not complete until you've joined the family drug ring.

Serena attempts to start a relationship with Ben, but it really doesn't work out. I wish there were more witty things for me to say about it, but besides bedding two former educators in one season, there just isn't much to it.

The real drama begins when Raina and Russell Thorpe come to town. Russell was a former associate of Bart Bass, and his goal is to ruin Chuck Bass and Bass Industries, which is taking a hit due to the economic downturn. Chuck attempts to forge a relationship with Raina to get some sort of support from within, but it doesn't work. In the meantime, Chuck does learn that the story Dan uncovered all those years ago -- one where one of Bart's buildings caught fire early in his career and he collected insurance money that would lay the foundation for Bass Industries -- had some truth to it. It turns out that the part where someone was also killed was true -- but it wasn't man. Raina's mother was killed in that fire, but it was Russell and accidentally kills his wife.

Meanwhile, Prince Louis has returned on the scene, seeking Blair's hand in marriage. Following him is his mother, Princess Sofie, who does not approve of Blair. Blair jumps through all kinds of hoops to gain her favor. Chuck doesn't make it easy on her, either, and he tries to propose at an event where Blair is trying to appeal to Princess Sofie. In a drunken rage, he leaves the event, and later, when Blair goes to tell him that Louis has proposed to her, he punches a glass wall, scarring his hand and causing Blair to run from the apartment with a small cut on her cheek from a shard of class.

This caused any critics to say that Gossip Girl is a proponent of abuse and that they condone a relationship where Chuck physically harms Blair. If you feel the same way, there are many options for you.

The first is to actually go have a drink once in awhile and see if you do something stupid you shouldn't do ... You know, drunk dial someone, trip over something, accidentally say something to someone you shouldn't, bash your foot into the leg of a chair while at your sorority formal and stress fracture it but don't notice 'cause you're so drunk and keep drinking that you can't feel the pain or the swelling and wake up to a purple foot in the morning -- not that I have any experience with something like that, it's just a random example and ... hey, why is my nose growing like Pinnochio? Another option for you if you feel really strongly about Chuck abusing this wall is to join Anti-Glass Wall Abuse Anonymous. Make sure you don't accidentally join Anti-Dry Wall Abuse Anonymous or Anti-Brick Wall Abuse Anonymous. These are two totally different organizations, and you want to make sure your time, efforts, and general whining are directed at the right organization. Clearly, glass walls are much more fragile than brick walls, and dry wall can be patched much more easily than glass. Obviously, your cause is much more sensitive. Your third option is to live a little. Love someone. Break up with someone you love. Get cheated on. Do the cheating. Dance on a table and wish you hadn't the next morning. Watch the person you love marry someone else who is clearly not good enough for them and clearly such a step down from you. Do a walk of shame while wearing high heels, knee socks, someone else's Larry The Cable Guy "Git R Done" boxer shorts, a backwards baseball cap and a sports bra. All these things will make you want to punch something. And maybe, just maybe, you'll understand about one-tenth of how deep and passionate the relationship between Chuck and Blair is. Maybe then, you'll understand blood boiling disappointment and anger.

All this is going on in the background while Chuck hatches a plan with Nate and, of all people, his Uncle Jack, to double-cross Russell. Eventually, they get him to promise to leave town, leave Bass Industries alone, and in exchange, they won't tell Raina what he did. But Nate is now dating Raina -- and he is unable to keep this secret from her, infuriating her and causing her to lash out at her father. He, in turn, plays a trick on Blair, convincing her to go to a building where he locks her up and threatens to set fire to the building that he has already doused in gasoline. Chuck manages to come to her rescue and then, to give her a little break from the royal escapades she's supposed to be attending, they instead go for a drink, pretend to be a married couple at a Bar Mitzvah, dance together, and then sneak off to a room to have sex. Blair plans to leave Louis for Chuck, but he tells her she should be with him -- it's her fairytale. It's what makes her happy. He says that he is her great love, but Louis is her right love. If you're looking for something that sums it up nicely, I happen to have a few educational tools that will sum it up really well.

First, this graphic, courtesy of whattheyshouldhavesaidwas.tumblr.com:

And, if educational graphics aren't your thing, this video (also from whattheyshouldhavesaidwas.tumblr.com) is highly informative:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H74k5Q3yaU0&feature=player_embedded

The Van Der Woodsen Bass Humphrey family -- who from now on I will refer to as the VDWBHF (Sounds like a really complicated STD that you wouldn't want to catch, right? ... Honestly it's not that far off, is it?) -- expands. We finally meet Aunt Carol, who by the way, is not nearly as fun as the the adolescent version of Carol that we saw in 2x24 (then played by Kristen Ritter). She and her daughter, Charlie, who has not seen Ce Ce or any of Lily's family since she was little, come into town for this modern day royalty thing that they are supposed to be featured in. Ironically, this picture is taken with Dan and Rufus, but not Jenny, and Chuck is featured, but by himself. And then, Charlie decides to stay. We learn that she is on all kinds of meds and that if she misses one, she is gonna go cray-cray -- which she does. She nearly flings herself off a building before Serena stops her. She also falls for Dan -- predictable and tired though that plot is. But then she decides to go back to Florida. When she gets off the bus, we learn that her sole mission was to access the trust fund set up by Ce Ce for Charlie, but that the girl who is pretending to be Charlie, is simply a con artist, hired by Carol so that the real Charlie doesn't have to be involved. The girl pretending to be Charlie is actually named Ivy -- as in poison ivy, if you ask me -- and she gets paid and goes on her merry way.

So, Serena goes to LA to find herself and ends up getting involved with a movie adaptation of The Beautiful and the Damned.

Chuck and Nate decide to go on a lost vacation. They spin the globe and where their finger lands, they go.

Jenny is nowhere to be found.

Vanessa finds Dan's manuscript of his book The Insider, which is basically a chronicle of the past four years he's spent getting into this world and all his observations of the people he calls his friends, who will probably not like him so much once they read it. (This is just further proof that someone on the GG writing staff was seriously the Dan Humphrey of his or her adolescent and young adult world and that their bitterness has now carried them all the way into a career where they get paid for having world's largest chip on their shoulder day-to-day.) And then Vanessa sells it to someone for Dan and leaves on a jet plane for Spain, where we can only hope she'll stay.

Blair jet off to Monaco, but not until we see a positive pregnancy test in the trash can liner in her bathroom. And folks, let me just point out a little bit of literary foreshadowing and symbolism here: the pregnancy test is laying on top of a purple piece of tissue paper. That's no coincidence, friends -- we know who loves purple. This baby might as well come out wearing a purple bowtie or a purple headband.

Lily is spending time at home while listening to her ankle cuff beeping quietly in the background -- it can double as a metronome for Rufus if he decides to write any new songs.

And Dan is stuck in Brooklyn, watching movies, pining for Blair, while everyone he likes is away, having a life and he is just there, with no idea that Dregs of Dumbo has literally attached a ticking time bomb to the social ladder he has slowly, but successfully managed to scale.

All this said ... Shall we jump tonight's first episode? Time for some recapping alphabet soup ...

Gossip Girl, Episode 5x01 -- Yes, Then Zero

A.) The save the dates for Blair and Louis's nuptials are out. Blair officially has a deadline for deciding whether or not Louis is the man for her. November 26 is her "Come to Jesus Day" or, as I like to call it, her "Come to Chuck Bass Day" -- and to some people, coming to Chuck Bass is just as good as coming to Jesus.

B.) Serena's living the movie life in LA and trying really hard to prove that not everything in her life is handed to her on a silver platter. Occasionally, things are handed to her on a gold platter. And on rare occasions, she even gets handed invitations royal weddings. You go, girl. Way to prove how hard your last name works for everything you get!

C.) Dan is spending the summer playing on an artist's softball league? This does not compute.

D.) Jeremiah Harris is playing on an artist's softball league? This makes even less sense than Dan playing on the league. Doesn't Jeremiah have a standing appointment with a bottle of single-malt Scotch first thing every morning? Surely this softball business gets in the way. Maybe he invested in an IV drip so he can maintain the appropriate BAC at all times.

E.) Chuck on a motorcycle is hot, period. But Chuck riding motorcycles with 35+ (and that's me being generous) stunt director is curious at best and nauseating at worst. Chuck riding a motorcycle and then wiping out is just a little too Bella Swan for me, even for my liking, and I' a self-admitted Twilight junkie. If we're going to keep up with the adrenaline junkie bit, he's going to need to start having visions of Blair and hanging around with Native Americans who shape-shift into werewolves, and the producers better start looking for cliffs for him to dive off of. The way I see it, you've got two options, writers: Either change the boy into a vampire, or move along.

F.) Nate watching out for Chuck could be considered cute. Or is it jealousy that's getting to him? Remaining Chuck's best friend is really his only chance for relevancy in this little social circle, right?

G.) Blair shouldn't have to sacrifice anything for her fairytale. And the fairytale she's trying to live in isn't for her if she has to change and concede so often. Since when does Blair Waldorf concede to anything?

H.) Chuck is suddenly a "yes" man? Didn't Jim Carrey corner that market?

I.) The fact that Louis would, even for a second, not consider letting Blair carry whatever flowers she wants, shows that this guy is just not the man for her. Blair is not the priority she should be. It's silly that she should have to keep making all these concessions to be a princess when she already is and always will be the Queen of the UES -- and Chuck's heart -- without having to change herself at all.

J.) Serena + Nate: "He's Chuck Bass." Best part of the night, hands down.

K.) Vanessa's dirty work has no expiration date? I mean look at the hair alone -- four straight years and it still looks like it was styled with rat droppings and a fork. She may be gone for now, but her most recent filthy maneuvers will certainly outlive her social relevancy (while ran up a long, long time ago).

L.) Louis is way too much of a pushover to be any sort of authority figure for a country, let alone the husband of Blair. Part of what made Chuck and Blair work was the fact that he respected her as the queen she was, but also challenged her. At least Blair won't have to register for a doormat -- she's marrying one.

M.) It's important that Blair test Louis -- he might be able to give her a country, but can he really give her everything she needs? Blair shouldn't have to sacrifice anything she is to be his wife and she shouldn't have to silence herself in order to make his life more peaceable. As Chuck once said to Nate in season two, "It's stupid for you to want her to be anything other than she is."

N.) Chuck told Blair in the season four finale "never let anyone tell you you're not powerful." Louis isn't saying it, but he's making her feel it. This quote of Chuck's is the bottom line, and it should be exactly the reason that Blair goes to him. This is absolute proof that Chuck is the great love and the right love, because he knows how powerful she is. He would never let anyone deny her her peonies or the right dress. He would never hesitate to let her do whatever she dreams. He would never let anyone force her to make concessions for something important to her, and he would never do it himself. Chuck also said "you're the most powerful woman I know." He reveres that part of her. Louis and Sofie are silencing it. Blair loves old movies. Chuck once mentioned to Marcus that she loved Charade -- Blair is playing Charade now. She deserves to be who she is, to be in a relationship with someone who helps her flourish and helps her dreams and goals grow, and she should start a family with someone who appreciates every bit of her personality. And Chuck should get to feel that not only is he the "great love" he is absolutely the "right love" for Blair, because no one can love all those things about her and see her darkness as being sparkly like he can.

O.) Nate's dalliance with that older woman was completely transparent. It was obviously her house. And haven't we done this before with Lady Catherine? Can we stop recycling story lines that were tired the first time around, please?

P.) If Blair needs to run some place, it shouldn't be to the Hamptons on the east coast. It should be to the man who really loves her on the west coast.

Q.) Louis + Dan = OTP. I think these two have serious potential.

R.) The hug between Nate, Chuck, and Serena was bittersweet -- the NJBC is missing its fourth and most dynamic member. This trio is supposed to be a foursome.

S.) The good news is that even if Louis doesn't stand up for her, Blair won't have to wear Sofie's dress -- it isn't gonna fit her by the time she's supposed to walk down the aisle.

Other observations ...

The second that Eleanor showed that book (What To Expect When You're Expecting) to Blair, you could see the panic in her eyes. It wasn't the look of someone who was trying to deny it, but someone who was trying to cover it up. I think she got lucky because Dorota is also expecting and was quick to admit she was the one who was pregnant. But I think that Dorota also knows that Blair is pregnant, too. I think Dorota knows that book wasn't hers, and I think she now has the tangible evidence that it had to be Blair's. I'm sure that the Gossip Girl APPB was about Blair, not Dorota. If anyone knows Blair better than Chuck, it's Dorota. And the second that dress was getting zipped up and it was just a little tighter around her hips and lower waist than it should be, I knew (before the seamstress said anything) that it was because Blair was starting to show.

The other concern I have is Chuck's injury. It came to his left side, which is where he was shot at the end of season three and into early season four. We don't know much about Chuck's injury, only that he wasn't treated at a hospital. He was treated by Eva. I believe there was only an entry wound, no exit wound, so that bullet could still be lodged inside him. My only medical expertise comes to me as a viewer of Grey's Anatomy and a person who frequently injures herself on something as a simple as a box of frozen waffles (no lie), but this new injury, to the exact same region, could pose a risk to his health -- a serious risk.

All injuries aside, let's look at a couple pieces of deeper symbolism and foreshadowing, shall we?

When Chuck first got shot, Gossip Girl's voiceover was about how people hold tightly to the past -- like when Chuck was holding tightly to the ring and the notion of Blair. Her final line, as he lay there bleeding, was "'Til death do us part." Now, at the end of season five's premiere, we see him with an injury to the same place. His left side, right around his heart. This injury is symbolic. He sustained the first injury trying to hold onto the ring for Blair. He's sustained a second injury trying to run away from his pain. But he can't escape the actual physical injury, or the injury to his soul, his psyche, and ultimately, his heart -- right where he got shot and he now appears to have at least a couple broken ribs. This injury isn't going away. It's sticking with him. No matter how far he runs or what he does, Blair clings to his heart. And this injury that he has can't heal without her -- it will only go away sometimes, and then resurface. And there are actually a couple great Grey's Anatomy quote that goes with this.

The first comes from Episode 2x01, Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Head: "Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open." The next comes from Episode 2x24, Damage Case: "We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see. ... We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."

Hello all my fellow Gossip Girl and/or Chuck and Blair lovers! :)

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I was seriously sick over the summer. I got a bad case of bronchitis and I have asthma. The air quality here was literally unbreathable during the summer here. It got serious very fast. I ended up in the hospital for awhile. The infection cleared, but I had coughed so much that my lungs, airways, and windpipe went into spasm -- like a charlie horse, but in my chest -- and I couldn't inhale or open my mouth without coughing. My doctors thought my lung could collapse, and were afraid I might stop breathing in my sleep. Once I was sent home, I was under constant supervision and on house arrest and too tired to even consider picking up my computer, except like once to let Carter know where I was. I was on a breathing machine at every hour for twenty minutes to keep my airways at least a little more clear. It was awful and scary. I've missed everyone! But I am better-ish ... I still get a cough if I'm doing too much, and I can't really run or anything, because it flares up so fast. But as long as I stick to my medicine and inhalers, I'm okay-ish.

But, I am back for the new season of Gossip Girl -- and, in a few weeks, I'm going to be launching a Glee Tumblr too, so I will update you on that here also and provide a link as soon as I get going with it. That means that my recaps are back -- and as usual, I'll be submitting them to NYMag's Vulture. I'll also be keeping up with my arts and trying to finish that 47 Days of Chuck and Blair that I began back in like ... February. It may turn out to be more like 47 Years of Chuck and Blair -- lol.

In other exciting news, next week, I'm going to be launching a lifestyle, fashion, beauty and pop culture blog. I'm going to be putting together a Youtube channel as a component. I'll be doing tutorials on specific Gossip Girl looks from all our favorite females -- hair styles, make-ups looks, looks for less, GG inspired outfits -- in addition to generalized beauty and style posts, as well as cooking and decor. There are so many things I love, and I really want to mesh them all together.

So make sure you check back here tomorrow night around 11:30 p.m. for the first Gossip Girl Recap of the season. And when my new blog and YouTube channel launch, you'll be the first ones to know!

Lots of Gossip Girl love coming your way!

XOXO,

JOIN US as we make history. :)