#teaching thoughts

Internally, I feel like I'm in a constant battle between ambition and...something else that I can't quite name.

I want desperately to make a difference in this world. I don't care if my name ends up in a history book. I don't need that kind fo legacy. I just want to die knowing that this world is a noticeably better place because of decisions I made.

That's part of why I became a teacher. There are other reasons, but my desire to help people is a big one. But it's also causing me to look beyond the classroom, because American teachers, for better or worse, have to work within a racist, classist, sexist, and generally flawed system. And although teachers make the biggest impact on students directly (few people have a "favorite principal" from childhood), they have less control over the system. Especially in states with strict anti-union laws.

So to help make the systemic changes we need, I need to become a principal or superintendent. To do that, I need to go back and get my master's degree and maybe event a doctorate, eventually. I'm not worried about whether or not I CAN do that. I definitely can. I'll kill that dissertation one day.

But I'm also just so exhausted.

In a perfect world, I'd pay off my student loans (which will be in 2027 if I apply for the $5,000 teacher student loan forgiveness), THEN go get my master's (and probably more student loans). I will have taught for 9 years, spend 2ish getting my master's, then move into a building level admin role (assistant principal or something) after 11+ years as a classroom teacher. I liked that timeline. That was my plan when I graduated, and my husband was on board with it (because I don't need his approval but it's good to have your partner in crime be on the same wavelength as you, ya know?)

Then I got my first teaching job, and now basically nobody else supports that plan, including my husband. My first year at my school, I got an Educator of the Year award (which is unheard of!!!). I've contributed to a pedagogy book that will be published in a few months. I got voted as favorite staff member by my colleagues in May, the end of my 2nd year. My district is paying for me to take classes so I can be certified to teach ESL students. I've only been teaching for 2 years, but my assistant principal, who I love and consider a friend, "jokingly" asked when I was going to get my degree so I could be Dean of Students. I've taught professional development sessions to colleagues who have been teaching longer than I've been alive, and those colleagues voluntarily attended so I guess they like me. I've become my building's NEA union representative. I'm on my district's new "Virtual Learning Taskforce" that we set up to create guidelines for this school year since we are going 100% virtual until COVID cases go down in my county. My resume is getting so long I can't fit it all even on 2 pages. I'm designing websites and sponsoring clubs and mentoring new teachers and I just don't feel comfortable with the pace of ANY of this.

I want these things. I do. I just didn't expect them to happen so quickly. I was taught in college that your first 5 years as a teacher, you're a mess. Well, apparently I don't look like a mess. I feel like one, though.

So Blake, my husband, started trying to get me to rethink my timeline. Maybe instead of starting my master's after I teach for about 10 years, I could start it around year 7, and then have it done by year 10. And then he started looking up programs for me to apply to. He found 2 and I talked to some colleagues and I've chosen the one I want. I know I can get in. But I'm not applying yet. Because I don't! Feel! Ready!

Why don't I feel ready? I don't know! I really don't. Maybe I don't trust myself? This is what goes through my head when people encourage me to step up, lead people, and go get my master's sooner rather than later:

There was a man in the building where I student taught who said the worst principal he ever had was a young woman who only taught for 5 years before becoming an admin. What if I end up like her? What if I don't have enough experience in the classroom, and my teachers don't trust in my abilities?

Why am I being given all these opportunities? Do I deserve them? I'm a baby. I'm fucking 24. I have 2 years of job experience. Why do these people trust me to do this?

What if I'm taking opportunities from my BIPOC colleagues? Do we really need another white high school principal in a majority minority school district?

Does my awareness of the above bullet point, and the fact that I do try to listen to BIPOC voices, and am doing this specifically so I can dismantle systems like the school to prison pipeline and subpar education received by poor and BIPOC children, make up for the fact that I'd be another white high school principal?

When I sabotage my own success one day by having a manic or depressive episode, what will happen?

Am I really doing this for the right reasons?

Will I miss the classroom too much and regret my decision?

Why do I have the audacity to think I can make a difference at all? I'm not special. I'm not better than anyone else. So why does it have to be me? Is this all secretly about my ego?

I've been thinking a lot about this, and it reminds me of the time my class (9 and 10 year olds) were convinced that "immigrants are only here to steal British jobs." The fact that they said this quite openly in front of me, an immigrant, told me that they were just spouting off phrases they had heard from older people.

So, I decided to let them discuss. I asked clarifying questions, challenging them without being hostile. "Do we know any immigrants?" I asked them. And after clarifying what an immigrant actually was (!), we discovered that we did, in fact, know quite a few immigrants. Some of them were moms and dads of our friends, or even (gasp!) some people we played with regularly! Even Miss!

I don't know that I changed many minds that day, but the discussion itself was worthwhile.

All of that is to say, my advice is to wait for an opportunity--it will present itself. Then, don't make it about you, make it about the kids. "What I believe shouldn't matter to you as much as you believe. What do you think about the LGBT Community? Why? How do you know? How can we find out?" Present them with facts and ask why. Ask "Why?" seven times if you must. Make them think! There should be that kind of hush in your classroom that you recognize from working on tricky math or writing a serious piece. Don't let them get away with being flippant or rude, but let them talk.

And when it's over, congratulate them for being able to think and question themselves. After all, we all know adults who can't manage it. Thank them for trusting each other to have the conversation. Follow up where you need (where someone feels unheard or frustrated) but otherwise let it be.

And above all, remember to go easy on yourself. You are such a good teacher for even asking the question, for thinking about how to make your pupils better thinkers, and how to be fair and good to them.

Teacher Innovation Award Is Given By ZIIEI’s Sri Aurobindo Society For Innovative Teaching In Education Field To Make Learning Better.

Was chatting with my SO the other night about training and we were laughing about all the ways the teacher side of me seeps through when I do training sessions with Lio (I catch myself talking to him as if he’s a student, “thank you for waiting so patiently! You may go to the washroom but make it snappy please!”) At one point my SO said, “well it is like you have your own eighth grader that you teach lessons to” and I actually think there’s a truth to that.

Obviously children and dogs are very different and have different needs so the connection only goes so far, but there are definitely things that I have learned as a dog owner that has shaped my teaching and vice versa. Setting up for success, maintaining dignity, positive reinforcement, scaffolding tasks, chunking lessons, using strengths to support needs, teaching to the student, celebrating individuality, mutual respect- these are all things that I strive for in teaching and dog training. There’s a reason why humans develop such important bonds with animals and I think it may be because at the very core of it all, humans and animals flourish when given the same basic supports.

As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I really struggled this school year both professionally and personally; many days I would come home feeling like a bad teacher. But one of the things that has kept me afloat has been watching Lio grow and learn. A dog barked at us this morning and he didn’t growl or lunge back. I helped him do that. He can sit! I NEVER thought he would take to sitting. I helped him do that too!