#tdftask4

The thing is. I’ve known you for a long time, and I’m not saying it was true love at first sight. God no. But there was something there at first sight. I saw you. Not for the perfect little boy everyone saw you as but as who you are. How powerful you are. I saw the real you and you didn’t even glance at me. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t of given me the time of day if your values hadn’t changed. Sure we had some kind of odd friendship before you turned, but I knew nothing would come of it. You were a Halliwell and I was the daughter of a murderer, and on the one to becoming a murderer myself. But you changed everything so easily. And for a long time I was so jealous. Cause you could decide to be evil so easily, but if I had ever tried to be good no one would of cared. People say they would, but not even you, not even you would of cared. Not back then. 

But, with your change, I changed too. We became closer. And yeah, I’ll say it. I fell so hard for you I probably have a concussion. Your bravery, your earnestness, the way you smile, the way your eyes light up, how protective you are of your family and anyone you hold dear. Every single damn thing about you makes my heart soar and I hate it. I hate feeling like a love struck little girl, I hate my lack of power. But you, Wyatt Halliwell, make me powerless. 

It hurt as fuck when you didn’t say I love you back. I knew you wouldn’t. I was happy you didn’t laugh, or thought I was joking, I should of been grateful for your reaction. I know I should be. But no. I was hurt so much. Still am. Everytime I see you. 

I look at you, at your smile, and your eyes, and the way you talk, and the way you stand, and they way you make me laugh and I know you’ll never be mine and I’ll never be yours and it makes me wish I could drop dead. Because I hate being this person. I hate that I love you and that you’ll never love me. That you never even see me. All I am to you is this badass daarklighter-witch. I’m not a girl to you. Not really. I’m not someone you could love. I’m not someone you should love. And I wish I was okay with that. But I’m not. 

There’s no excuse for what you did. None. You knew about me. Mom told me so herself, and though she’s many horrible things she’s not a liar. I know you chose a better life over one with me. And you know, for a long time I understood that. I mean, I suck as a human being. I’m not even human. I’m a half witch half darklighter hybrid who enjoys murdering. Then finally, it occurred to me. Just maybe, if you had actually stuck around. Cared.  Maybe I would of turned out different. 

My mom was the worst. You knew that. I’m lucky I didn’t come out deformed because of all she did and drank while she was pregnant. You knew how bad she was, that she wasn’t fit for motherhood, but you didn’t care. You left me. You left me with her. And for what? A perfect lil family? Well guess what. I’m your family too. And if you had no trouble abandoning me, never even checking in on me, then I wish your other kids luck you son of a bitch. 

Two years has passed since my mother fell ill. Two years since I last got to see your face and kiss those lips I still often dream about. Do you ever have those moments where you find yourself up in the early hours of the morning unable to sleep, reminiscing of the past? I tend to find myself in this situation quite often, your face dancing behind my closed eyelids. Though I tend to imagine you smiling at me, I do occasionally still see your face when I told you I had to leave to go back home. It doesn't hurt any less to this day, seeing the tears gather up in the corner of your eyes and knowing I can not do anything to help stop them. That I was the reason they were there…

I guess I should start this letter over properly. Pardon me for getting ahead of myself.

Emil, so much has happened these past two years so I thought I would sit down and write this letter to you. See how things are for you and your family over across the big blue pond. Adalene still has dreams to visit you one day so she can finally see the American boy her brother fell in love with. Though her time is running out so it doesn't look like she will get her wish...alas that is for another paragraph. Now I am asking how you are doing. There isn't a day that has gone by that I do not think of you. Wonder how you are doing and hoping that your dreams are coming true even if they are ones we planned together. I truly do hope you found a way to visit the stars without me…

I do write with some bad news on my end. My mother has finally passed after her two year battle with the disease. The funeral was the other day and the country mourned with us. I am not sure if wherever you are, reported that in the new though I highly doubt it as the Balays are only considered almost royalty in France...that makes me sound a bit bitter and full of myself I am sorry. What I am trying to day is that it was sad but the service was beautiful, her coffin covered every inch with her favorite flower and knowing she can finally breathe without being in pain helps Adalene and I with our loss. Though now we have a new issue on our hands. With my mother's passing, I am in now charge of her assets and that includes her pride and joy: her little company she was so fond of. Can you imagine it? Me a glorified CEO who has to attend business meetings and what not all dressed up. Remember when we went to prom all those years ago and I refused to wear a suit? I was right they are horrible and itchy and I hate them. Adalene has offered to take it over so I can find my way back to you, but it seems like my mother’s disease is a curse as she is now showing the same symptoms as mother. It will be only a matter of time until she joins mother in the great beyond it appears. It leaves me wondering as she begins to cough up blood if I will be cursed with this as well and that in a few years I will find myself with the same fate, dying off the Balays forever…

I miss you. I suppose that isn't the best way to approach that subject but I do. Like I said, there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think about you. I still talk about you constantly, how I long to return to you and take you in my arms just so I can feel your heart beating against my chest. Sometimes I wonder if dreamed you up in my head and  you were just a fragment of my imagination. You were almost too perfect to be real after all. Please tell me that you are, that I did not create you in my mind and one day I will be able to see you again. That I'll be able to hold you in my arms and taste your lips against mine…I swear on my life that one day I will come back to you and make it up to you for leaving like I did. We are each one half of a whole, Emil, and I cannot live without you in my life. I once told you that I was never one to believe in soul mates, but I was wrong. I was wrong the moment I realized I was in love with you.

Though I will more than likely never send this, kept hidden forever in my desk drawer, I just needed to write this all down. How much I miss you, how much I love you and how I promise to always be yours until the day I die. I just hope  you at least still think of me time to time...that is all I ask. Even if you find someone knew or your feelings for me disappear, all I ask is for you to find yourself thinking of me, of us, from time to time and wonder what could have been...I was going to propose. Take you home to meet my mother and sister, there is a small garden my mother loved with her favorite roses. A small pond lies in the center of it and that's where I was going to ask. It's overly romantic I know, but I wanted it to be right for you. I wanted everything to be right for us. For us to get our happily ever after…

(the letter ends here and was never sent, kept in his desk drawer)