#tarof

Ghaabeli nadaare (It has no worth) = It's not a big deal.

Ghadamet ru chesham (May your footsteps fall on my eyes) = You are more than welcome.

Ghorbaanet beram (I will sacrifice myself for you) = Thank you very much.

Cheshmet roshan (May your eyes be enlightened) = You're worth it.

Khaahesh mikonam (I plead with you) = You are humbling me.

Feel like doing a fun rant.

My fellow American Persians might be able to relate to this, but I grew up with a custom called tarof. This is basically a sort of courtesy gesture. When something is offered to you, you have to refuse a couple times before you say yes, otherwise you’re being rude.

Polite example: “Do you want me to get you some tea?” “No thanks, I’m alright.” “I insist! It’s no problem, let me get you some tea.” “I’m not thirsty, you’re being too kind.” “It’s right there, it won’t take me long to get.” “Well then thank you, I will have some.”

Rude example: “Would you like some tea?” “Yes, thank you!”

You see how annoying this can get?! And when you grow up expecting it’ll be offered again and you refuse something, your American friends just take the first “no” and stop offering.

"Do you still want to me to go to the store with you?" “No, don’t trouble yourself.” “Ok.” “I- but! … Ugh.”

Tarof also extends to money situations. I can’t tell you the number of times I watched my mom fight with aunts and uncles over who is going to pay for the meal when we order out or go to a restaurant. Everyone insisting they’ll pay, you sit down you are already taking care of us, no you’re the guest I got this. And the whole time my cousins and I are mumbling for someone to just pay the darn bill so we can go home.

This has become more of a problem to me in recent years because of my boyfriend. We’ll go out somewhere and I always insist on paying. It’s not a problem, I love spoiling him and my money situation is better than his at the moment, but I catch myself as I’m handing my card over thinking “Dangit, I did the tarof thing again. He was going to pay, why did I tarof?”

Then for a long time he would offer to do something for me, to go out of his way to help me out, and I would tarof by saying no. About half a year into our relationship we had a discussion about it because he was getting frustrated with me for not letting him take care of me and I had to explain a bit of tarof to him. He’s now much better at reading me when I tarof and encouraging me to be more assertive in answering someone.

But honestly I’m still working on it. Tarof was really engraved into me. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally timid too. Tarof was always a sort of safety gesture for me, that I could ease into agreeing to something because assertiveness always felt weird and rude and uncomfortable. Which really doesn’t work in this society. These are some of the problems you face when you have a different culture at home.

Even among my Iranian family when people are refusing something they’ll say “don’t tarof” or “you’re not tarofing are you?” I’m going to have to start getting better at telling that to myself.