#takingbackpostpartum

THE DARKER SHADE OF BLUE

The first couple of weeks after having Ollie I really felt like, I am woman hear me roar! All onboard the motherhood train I was born to do this! But that incredible high that I now accredit to surging hormones and early stages of sleep deprivation suddenly came crashing into a crumpled heap on the floor.

They talk about baby blues, but I’m talking about the darker shade of blue. The side to postnatal depression that no one talks about the resentment the self loathing and the child you don’t know what to do with.

I’ve read so many times about women who “I must’ve skipped the baby blues because I feel great” “being a mother is the greatest thing in the world!” “I’m so happy I’m finally a mother”. And I feel guilt & shame in saying that although I love my son unconditionally & would die for him in a heartbeat I also feel like, I just can’t & don’t want to do this anymore. As the weeks have gone on I have slipped further & further into the anxiety filled world and having been down this road of depression & anxiety before it’s kind of like “hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again” (Disturbed - the sound of silence song lyrics not words of my own). This time is different although it’s dark & horrible I know it’s not about me anymore, I’m a mother who’s child comes first and foremost. But my child also deserves a mother who knows self care. Who knows that this is not ok and needs to put a voice to these feelings.

Even though I’m saying all this as though combating this is going to be a walk in the park I know it’s not. At face value we look fine, a happy new little family. I look like I’ve got my shit together. And to be fair you’d be right in saying that. Because I for one am a proud person, when shit gets tough I hold my head high and soldier on through because over the years there are parts of my existence that were just about survival and doing whatever it takes to survive each day. Over time you become more and more resilient and better equipped to face each challenge that comes your way. But then there’s some challenges that just crush you. My experience with PND is just that.

There will be mothers out there who will slam me for what I’m about to say and women who aren’t mothers or have longed to be a mother & can’t be who will most likely not quite grasp what I’m about to say. But I ask that you hold your judgement and hear me out. As I know these feelings I’m experiencing aren’t great but they’re my journey. To share it with you was something I procrastinated over and still find myself procrastinating over. But if I can give a voice and give light to just one person out there then I know sharing my story & putting a voice to it & getting help wasn’t all in vain in speaking up.

My pregnancy with Ollie was unplanned. I was just starting or so I thought to get a handle on things and behold I was pregnant. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t rule out termination. I’ve been selfish in my ways of living for years now and quite frankly this baby thing was not part of my plan nor did I feel at ease with it being so either. Even after my dating scan I still struggled to swallow & grasp the true gravity of what was happening inside of me. It had only been a few months prior that I was standing in my parents kitchen telling my Mum, Dad & Aunties that I didn’t know that I ever wanted to have children and that being a childless women might not actually be a bad thing and that I could see myself being more than happy growing older without any offspring in tow. So fast forward to pregnant Hannah and I just didn’t know what to think.

I felt detached from my little growing life inside of me for quite some time. Whilst I did everything to make sure he was safe & nourished to thrive in my belly I felt as though I was carrying a bomb that I wasn’t ready to have go off. I feel I only began to truly embrace my pregnancy once I left work in the mines and came home to Melbourne on maternity leave at 32 weeks. It hit me really hard then. Prior to that it was all still this distant thing to me, that gave me a right of passage to eat as many Big Macs as I damm well desired.

I struggled around 34 weeks onwards once the high of going on maternity leave, having the baby shower and daily sleep ins excitement had worn off. That’s when the pre natal depression kicked in. Prior to that I had still been living in a low but I was seeing the psychologist out at work and still around my friends and working which helped keep my spirits up. Now I felt I was alone, so unbelievably alone that my heart ached. I cried the night I got home from my last time being FIFO I walked through our front door & into Matts arms and sobbed that I felt I had left all my friends behind in Queensland. I knew my life was now in victoria in mount Evelyn, Melbourne but my heart still longed for what was home to me for the past 10 years & that was Queensland. My moods shot all over the place from then on and I became a shell of the person I once was. To everyone around me I was still the same bright bubbly Hannah but inside I felt empty and alone. My relationship with Matt was strained as we both braced ourselves for our new lives as parents. I hid behind junk food and the confides of our comfy couch. By week 37-38 I was suddenly high as a kite again and walking everyday embracing my baby bump and chatting away in the bath to my wriggling bump with so much love & excitement. He was born & there was this beautiful honeymoon period where everything was ok. There was love & so much of it! Then the tidal wave hit me. The lows came in like never before, I’d stand over Ollies cot and cry not understanding how I could love something so much but resent it at the same time? I wanted my life back, I wasn’t ready I felt like an idiot to think that I was going to be able to handle this. I was screaming at him when he wouldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t look at Matt without feeling a burning fire of anger inside of me ignite. I felt so empty and so alone. I wanted and still want to scream at anyone who says “oh just wait, you’ll be in a mothers group soon, you’ll make friends in your mothers group”. I didn’t have any desire to make friends with a bunch of mothers because I myself didn’t want to be a mother. I resented the fact I gave up my life in Queensland my home for the last 10 years, my friends, my local hang outs, my everything to be in a place I’d never even visited until I found out I was pregnant and that was where my partner lived and was from. The decision to move down to Melbourne was a no brainer based on the fact all Matts family is here and he owns our home here. I’m always told that it feels as though nothing Matt does will ever make me happy. Home is where the heart is, sadly my heart is still in Queensland but this is my life now and the selfish person I was once before can no longer rule my life and I must learn to make sacrifices. This doesn’t mean it’s so easily done but it is do able when you become more realistic and less absorbed in dwelling.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist the other day at the health clinic. Outside I could see toddlers running around playing with their Mums watching on. I was asked some question about Ollie & I pointed outside and said “that, I don’t want that, I don’t want a toddler, I can’t see myself doing this”.

My family & Matts have been amazing in their support of both of us as we go through this. From my Dad calling me after I’d told my sister how I’d screamed at Ollie & had the day from hell & Dad reassuring me the normality of that. To Matts Mum coming to look after Ollie for us while Matt & I try to keep our relationship alive.

I’m running off what’s been described as nervous energy. I’m exhausted yet I can’t sleep. My highs are dramatically high and everything is great! But then my lows are so low It’s hard to understand me if at all. I reached out a few weeks back for further professional help outside the family unit. From the nurse at the doctors surgery who lets me come and sit and cry & talk about how fucked my days feel through to my counsellor that I walk into and sit down and within a split second of opening my mouth burst into tears saying how I can’t do this motherhood shit anymore as she scoops up Ollie & coos him to sleep like a magician.

Seeking help has been the best thing I’ve done for my little family and I. The self loathing, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, insomnia, self starvation it needs to stop. Not just for my sake but for my family I owe it to them too to get better. There’s no overnight fix, Ollie & I have been fortunate enough to be getting admitted Monday morning to the mother baby care unit at a fantastic hospital that specialises in self care, attachment, PND, family counselling and support as well as coping strategies and a variety of different types of therapy. Our journey is really only just beginning in my eyes now. I’m so exhausted but now I’m also hopeful. And I’m so god damm grateful for this opportunity to get the help we need. When you feel you’ve got nothing left to give like you can’t do it anymore don’t give up. Reach out. You’ll never regret healing you’ll only regret hurting for longer than you needed to.

I’m not looking to social media for attention, advice or judgement in sharing this story with you. I’m just looking to put it out there so that other people going through or who may encounter such a situation know that they’re not alone and that there is help available, that putting a voice to it IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO. I didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t after awhile, I kept being told what I was feeling was normal and that I’d be ok. But I wasn’t telling my loved ones the full gravity of how I was feeling. I’m grateful there are such amazing support services available and there really ought to be more funding for mental health. Without your mental health in check the rest of you doesn’t get to blossom and thrive. I for one want to be able to blossom again. For myself, and my family & friends.