#tailswilli

I once had a sever ask me if there was shellfish the the Crab hor douvres… I once had a fellow send back his pork chop claiming it was cooked wrong… after a long exchange (where I never actually spoke directly to the guy, the server was our go-between) we eventually figured out that he thought it was a beef steak when he ordered it, and just thought we over/under cooked it to get something that looks like a fucking pork chop…In my first week expediting at this one place, I once had a server ask if her salad was ready, when I replied it was, she asked which of the two salads sitting there were hers… I told her the one with the fat piece of salmon on it.  She tried to take the salad with grilled chicken on it.  When I stopped her with relatively polite words (but I’m sure the look on my face said “you are a fucking idiot!”) she explained to me, indignantly, that she had been working there for 8 months and knew what she was doing…Someone once ordered a burger… Mid well, with no pink…

In culinary school there was a girl who was convinced my dead lobster was still alive because it was moving it’s legs a bit.  I had killed it using the instructor Chef’s preferred method… a 10′ French knife through the head… it’s head was literally split in half, it’s disgusting little brains leaking on the table… with a giant ass knife still in it.I once watched a Male Lead cook blame a Lady newbie cook for him pulling the wrong meat.  “Why did you let me do that!”“I wasn’t there when you did it, jason, and I told you as soon as I saw it.”Betty White once ate a dinner i prepared and complimented it.I was Sous at this place.. this corporate place with HR and all that… one day i went to do the order and found my idiot Chef had left porn open on the company computer… probably could’ve gotten him fired… I wish I had, I still hate that guy!Same idiot Chef had a habit of taking off every Friday (whose gonna argue, he makes the schedule)… one Friday he showed up and before any of the veteran cooks could mock him, the young Extern expressed genuine surprise he was there… her expressions of surprise were so genuine, honest, and forthright that it overshadowed the jokes the rest of the night (about him actually showing up on the busy night).I have on one or two occasions caught Servers eating food off plates that were in (or on the way to) the dishroom… it’s like… no man, don’t eat that dirty food… jesus… if you’re that hungry I’ll make you something… On one occasion a server replied by telling me how good my food was, and that by stopping him I was taking joy out of his life… I had no idea how to reply to that… I walked away… probably mouth agape.While working at a hotel, I had a woman (allergic to citrus) who demanded we take the oranges off the breakfast bar because looking at them from a distance of about 30 paces was giving her a reaction.I had a dude order a burger, gluten free… when he got it with Rice bread instead of a bun, he complained about how terrible it tasted and demanded a whole-wheat bun, like his date had.

At this one place we had slab bacon, and we had a Jr. cook who thought he was a genius because he was good at high school culinary classes… He was a constant screw up… ignoring advice and direction from anyone other than chef.. even people chef told him to pay attention to… He was useless on the line… burning shit up… making plates wrong… but I think the episode that sums him up best was when the lead cook (who he never showed any respect for) was slicing slab bacon, he asked what part of the cow that meat was… 2 months later he left fine dining (hopefully forever) and joined the military.A server once had a customer, upon failing to get her attention (because she was in the middle of taking another table’s order) throw his wife at her (literally.. wife was in a wheelchair, and he pushed his wife into the back side of her leg).A guy who walked off my line when I was Sous, asked my to be a reference for him 1 year later.Me (sous/expo): All right we’re a little slow does anybody…Cook #2: Me, I’ll go home, me me me!!Me: …(pause) want to go home early?(two hours earlier)Cook #2: Hey Suj, I know you don’t make the schedule, but do you think you could convince to give me more hours?I once had a guy ask me to come out to his table to confirm his food would be safe for him to eat… he had diverticulitis (which can be fatal as any food allergy, if you eat the wrong thing, so caution is good).  After explaining his condition to me, I had to admit I hadn’t heard of it.  He claimed it affected 1/3 of people over 60…. while surrounded on all sides by Sr. Citizens in for the early bird special… who came in every week… and I reiterate, that I had never heard of it at that point.  I now work in a retirement community, and I still have only ever had 3 people (that I know of) with diverticulitis.  Once on a slow night about 4-5 years ago (The first hunger games movie was out, but ONLY the first), I made the mistake of asking the girl I was working the line with about somthign tangentially related to the Hunger Games which are (apparently) her favorite books.  For the next hour and a half she regurgitated the entire plot of all the books to me.I once had a server that claimed to be waiting tables 20 years yet was surprised by…Cooks not wanting her to use their personal knifes for anything she had to doCooks being mad at her for getting orders wrongEveryone being mad at her for going out the “in” door and vice versa.One time I was in Good Chef’s office, and there was a tiny keychain light on the desk, when good chef saw where my eyes were looking, he said it was idiot chef’s anal light… that he suck it up his butt when he masturbated so his dick would glow…I once had an apprentice who was helping make from scratch bread and rolls, he reached into a bin and shouted SHOUTED that “THERE ARE COCKROACHES IN THE FLOUR!!!”  After taking a look I had to explain that the bin he was in wasn’t flour, it was the mix they used for rye bread, and those weren’t roaches, they were caraway seeds.I once when to a Coffee Shop in my whites, and the owner (knowing nothing about me but a chef’s jacket, that I liked iced lattes, and whatever else could be seen with the naked eye) offered me a job as their part time baker.  i was then, and remain still, confused by his logic.