#tailahisreal

That I don’t just want sex or passing flings or whatever I’ve been doing these last few months. I realize that I long for a real connection with someone and I’ve always known that but because I haven’t found it or been remotely interested in anyone I’ve met, I settled and told myself the meaningful relationship isnt that important to me when it really is. I definitely need to work on myself and work through those issues so that love can actually reach me because wanting love while having up this emotional wall is like wanting company but not opening the door when your guests ring the doorbell. Just real dumb

I cried a lot last night. I saged my room, I saved myself (this is a typo I meant to type saged but I think it was meant to happen) I went to bed. I had dreams that I feel are significant. I woke up and knew something about myself. The reason I hurt so bad is because I don’t allow myself to feel freely when the emotion is less desirable. When it’s pain, I recognize the pain, it hurts and I freak out, the reaction becomes possibly more painful and as equally as problematic as whatever I’m going through and it just prolongs the damage. I have an emotional barrier up and I do it to myself. Let it hurt, let it burn, let it break, let it heal. Stop trying to save yourself by not feeling things, let yourself feel all that comes to you. Cry and scream and get angry, feel your anger, be mad, and in the morning, when you wake up, learn from the pain. Learn from whatever hurt you but do not use it to take yourself out. It might take several nights and mornings but feel it all and feel it fairly and let it pass authentically. I don’t know how many false forced fresh starts I’ve had because I was ready to be ok… only I wasn’t ok….it’s ok not to be ok. You will eventually be ok. You will eventually be good. And you will eventually find your happiness.

Trying to deal with my emotions is tough. Accepting everything for what it is is tough. I feel physical pain and distress trying to sort through why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I feel like I can’t say these things to anyone. It hurts. And the tears are painful and silencing my cries makes my throat hurt and trying to be okay is tiring. I just wanna be okay.