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Characters: Kaaras Adaar, Aith, Stenn, Taali
Pre-Inquisition (Kaaras 25 years old)Ā
Warning: Contains profanity, character death, adult themes, alcohol mentions
He didnāt even have time to grieve as she lay there, the gore covering her body. An axe, and a big one. It didnāt matter how powerful the woman had been, she was no match for multiple assailants. No match for a fucking ambush! An ambush which could have very well been avoided. But this was what happened when the majority of a group voted, wasnāt it? And when Kaaras didnāt have the last say in such orders.
Ā Never again.
Ā Heād already told himself that this was it. It was over. How could he possibly continue to work for people such as the Ralshokra when they were so rash in their thinking, in their strategies? This was what happened when money was more valuable than a personās life! And not just any person, but his trainer, his mentor, the woman heād been training with for years now! Over ten years! And now she was gone within the blink of an eye. How easily a life could be takenā¦
Ā It was a miracle that he was alive himself, and heād managed to take a few men out, but when it came down to it, Kaaras didnāt really blame the enemyāespecially when they knew no better than to see Saarebas as a savage oxwoman who would kill any man who crossed her path. She looked the part, yes, but she was like a second mother to him. She had been there for him when his father had died, when he could not look his mother in the eye after it all happened. Sheād never just been a mentor to him, but family. And there was another one to add to the damn list! Another name on his fucking hands. This would have never have happened if heād put his damn foot down harder! If heād been calling the shots. If heād stood up and made his point clearer. Of course⦠he turned to self blame. Kaaras always did.
Ā He warned them! He warned them that the mission was dangerous. And yet, to a mercenary, nothing was dangerous provided the coin was enough payment. And theyād been given such a large sum upfront that of course Taali wouldnāt deny it. Greedy. Fucking greedy! No coin, no riches, was ever worth someoneās life!
Ā Shaking, Kaaras panted as he marched his way back to the meeting point. The mission was done, theyād get their coin, but at what cost? If he knew that this would have been the outcome, heād have never agreed to take the job. Alas⦠time was something he knew he could never turn back. It was too late, Saarebas was dead, and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.
Ā But there was something heĀ couldĀ do to make damn sure that this would never happen againā¦
Ā Pushing the door open, the young mage moved over to their captain, and eyes were fiery red, not just because thatās the colour they were, but they were angry, burning, and perhaps even tear-stung. Heād not even been able to retrieve her body yet, not in the mix of everything.
Ā āAre you happy now?ā he barked. āA valuable part of this team has been killed! That didnāt have to happen, and you all know damn well that it could have been prevented!ā To say he was furious was a damn well understatement. The young qunari was deeply upset and disturbed by the outcome.
Ā Taali stood up, the woman taller than himāalthough it didnāt take much for any qunari to be taller than Kaaras. He was the runt of the littler, even if he was a good build and a strong mage.
Ā āCalm down, Adaar, you got your coin.ā She shoved the little bag into his hands, and it was immediately tossed onto the floor, clinking with a heavy thud, just to signify the amount that was within. An easy job never got heavy coin.
Ā Kaaras seethed. āI donāt want your coin! I want Saarebas alive and well!ā Which very well wasnāt going to happen, and he knew that. It didnāt stop the words from spewing out of his mouth, thick with daggers in her direction. Because, yes, it wasĀ herĀ fault that this happened. Bad orders were made, and as the captain of this mercenary band, she had to take responsibility of the lives within.
Ā What was there of the group moved a little uneasily at the scuffle that was going on between the two. Taaliās eyes moved to the elf that had joined up with Kaaras, his adopted sister of sorts. But when she went to put a hand to his arm, he just threw it off. Temperamental mage, he was. Heād always been hot-headed, and she knew that the moment they started working together, but Kaarasā heart had always been in the right place. In her eyes⦠that wasnāt always a good thing. It got in the way of their work. Such as now.
Ā She clicked her tongue in a scoff. āLook, Kaaras, you knew the risks of being a mercenary when you joined Saarebas and her company before coming here. I donāt know how they do things in Ferelden, but the Marches are different. Ā A lot more people here, too, and a lot more bad people. A lot more coin and a hellova lot more competition. We got the job doneā,ā
Ā āIs that all you care about? That you got some fucking coin!?ā Kaarasā voice was strained, disbelief cracking through. He couldnāt believe it. He knew that things were different up north, he also knew that mercenary life wasnāt always the most ethical in nature, but this was drawing a line.
Ā He drew a heavy breath, hands balling into fists as he tried to keep his temper down to a minimum. It was to no avail. He didnāt like being angry, in fact, heĀ hatedĀ it. He feared his anger turned him into a monster, like so many people had said about him, even when calm. He was a qunari, he was a savage. He thought that the humans of Ferelden had just been cruel, but this⦠this made him worry that perhaps what they said about his kind was in fact true. And that shattered his heart.
Ā Heād worked so hard to not be that image, to be a kindhearted individual, giving and compassionate. And now, what stood before him was the opposite. She cared for nothing but her coin. Even her people were expendable. It didnāt matter so long as her pockets were heavy and her sword was strapped to her back. It made him sick to the stomach.
Ā āOne of your people died today, Taali, and you⦠you canāt show at least a little bit of sympathy?ā Why was he even bothering with it? Heād seen it before. People died in companies every day, just as bandits did. And honestly, he was starting to feel like thatās exactly what this company was. A group of thugs. The only difference was that they got paid, whereas bandits simply raided for the sake of it. Perhaps that was even worse.
Ā He couldnāt do it anymore. He couldnāt stay⦠Not when it was clearly alright that people died so long as they got a little coin in their purse. That wasnāt what he stood for, and it never would be. Kaaras simply wasnāt the type. He became a mercenary to help his mother survive, so he and Aith could grow up and provide for themselves and they could keep a place they could call home. He knew it wasnāt easy work, and he knew it was dangerous, but he couldnāt work like this and feel proud of himself anymore. He felt no more than a common thug, and that went against everything he believed in.
Ā Taali shook her head and gruffly sighed. āWhat do you want me to do, Adaar? Sing a song for her? Thatās not my thing, and itās not gonna bring her back either. We move on and we do the next job. If you want a eulogy, then talk to Stenn.ā She threw her thumb over her shoulder.
Ā āHey, have some respect!ā the small elf snapped from beside Kaaras. She could already tell that Kaaras was at breaking point, and Taali wasnāt making it any better with her quips. She wasnāt going to sit by and let her speak about Saarebas like that. That was her friend, too. She may deal with her grieving a little differently than Kaaras, but that didnāt mean she wasnāt upset that the woman had died.
Ā This was just getting tiring. āStenn, Iām done, can you please deal with your boyfriend?ā She gave a huff and sat herself back down, eyeing the coin that was on the floor from where Kaaras had thrown it, but Aith saw her and snatched it up, shoving it into her pocket. Smart girl. Kaaras, in his own tiff, probably would have just left it there. At least someone in the damn family knew how things were. Took an ex Dalish to as well. Balls, Kaaras could be so dumb sometimes.
Ā Stenn had been sitting at the table within the room they were all in. Currently, the older qunari male was nursing a tankard of ale. It was around about now that heād usually be writing his next ballad after a job well done. Unfortunately, he didnāt like the outcome of this one, but he also had been on Taaliās side for this mission. Sometimes, people were lost, and there wasnāt much to be done about it.
Ā Alas, he cared deeply for Kaaras, and had for the last year. The young man had been⦠troublesome when heād come to them, moody, drinking, guarded. Incredibly guarded. It took patience with Kaaras, patience that Stenn had, and heād fallen for the young lad. Still, it was times like this that he was reminded that Kaaras absolutely wore his heart on his sleeve, and at times it was⦠irrational.
Ā Standing, he gestured for Kaaras to follow him, taking his hand carefully. āCome with me, weāll take a walk outside, get some fresh air.ā His smile was gentle, tender, and he saw Kaarasā eyes flicker back to Taali. He knew that the Vashoth needed time away from the situation to settle.
Ā āCāmon.ā It was a soft, encouraging order, and his hand moved to Kaarasā back, quietly ushering him out of the door. When there was no argument from the blonde, the corners of his eyes creased in a smile, the warm, city air hitting his skin when they stepped outside.
Ā Kaaras took a deep breath, and there were tears in his eyes now, the shock of Saarebasā death finally starting to settle in. He swallowed thickly, and desperately tried not to let the tears slip down his cheeks, looking away from his lover. If there was someone other than Aith, surely it was Stenn who would agree with him.
Ā āIām sorryā¦ā he murmured, putting a hand to his face and trying to wipe away the tears from his glazed eyes. They continued to come, though.
Ā Stenn shook his head, frowning. āOh, Kaaras, donāt apologise.ā He took the manās hand and lowered it, only to see Kaaras lower his head and close his eyes, the tears being forced from his eyes. He pulled him into a careful embrace, and then he felt the smaller manās sobs shake through his body.
Ā Losing someone was never easy. Taali didnāt have a lot of sympathy, no, and she could have dealt with the situation better. But Stenn had to agree that they got their coin and the job was done. It had its losses, yes, but⦠they all knew the risksāincluding Kaaras.
Ā Pulling him tight, Stenn moved his hands over Kaarasā back, cooing to him softly. āIām sorry, Kaaras. Taali should not be so rough, but you know her. Sheās a āget the job doneā kind of woman. Itās nothing against you.ā
Ā Kaarasā eyes clenched shut against the warmth of the other manās chest and he pressed his face into the crook of his neck before he withdrew, tear stained eyes looking at the older man. āDonāt⦠donāt stick up for her. She knows what she is doing. She just doesnāt care.ā
Ā āThatās not true, Kaaras.ā He put his hand to the manās stubble-covered cheek, eyes caring and soft.
Ā āBullshit. You saw her just as well as I did back there. She didnāt even bat an eye at knowing someone died.ā Kaaras wiped his face down and pushed the tears back. Not here, not like this. He would mourn when he could, but he wasnāt about to bring Stenn down with it, too.
Ā āMakerās breath, I⦠Sheās still back there, Stenn. I⦠I have to get her body. I have to burn it.ā
Ā The Ferelden tradition, Stenn knew. Burning the bodies so they did not catch the Taint of the Blight. āWhat Taali said back there⦠about me saying some words. I can if you wish, Kaaras, I donāt mind.ā
Ā Kaaras shook his head, sniffing softly. āNo⦠itās⦠itās alright.ā He looked back up at the older man and offered him a sad smile. āItās something Aith and I should do alone. Just⦠wait for me, please? I donāt think Iāll be getting much sleep tonight.ā And he was still furious about Taali, but there was little he could do about that now. At least, she was out of his sight.
Ā Stenn nodded, and he planted a kiss on the mageās forehead. āI will wait up for you.ā
Ā With a soft sigh, Kaaras licked his lips and pulled his shoulders back, putting a brave face on. He needed to go and collect Aith, and then theyād travel back to where heād moved Saarebasā body. He should have carried it back with him, but it had been too risky. Now, the womanās corpse sat alone, bloodied and gory. Heād at least do right by her, by saying a final goodbye and burning what remained.
*****
Ā It was late by the time Kaaras got back in, and the tavern they were staying in had all but died down. There were some common folk who were still drinking, and Kaaras could smell the alcohol in his nostrils. It took every ounce of his strength in such a state of mind to just continue walking up the stairs. He desperately wanted a drink, but all his hard work would be for nothing. He couldnāt lose that tonight, too.
Ā The smell of ash and burning was against his clothes. The scent of death, blood and gore. He needed a bath, urgently, and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to be back in Ferelden, home and away from this place. He wanted to be away from the Ralshokra and the city. Fuck, he hated the city so much! It was smoggy and reeked of plague illness and death, as well as drunkards. He missed the smell of hay and grass, the farm back home. But every day he was away from Ferelden was more coin he earned for his mother so she could still keep that farm.
Ā Tugging his collar undone, the Vashoth pushed the door open to see Stenn laying on the bed, quill and a pot of ink there. He was writing a tale, he assumed. But even right now, Kaaras couldnāt deal with listening to such sweet and symbolic words. He was tired, so tired, and his eyes stung from what felt like a fountain of never ending tears, the salt drying on his lashes.
Ā At the sight of his lover, Stenn leant up, putting his quill aside. āDid everything go alright?ā he asked. āDo you wish to speak of it?ā
Ā Kaaras just shook his head. āItās done⦠thatās⦠thatās all that matters right now.ā He made his way over to the small desk inside the tiny room, the boards beneath him creaking as he did so. It wasnāt quite over, though. Kaaras had had time to think when he and Aith were there with what remained of Saarebas. They did more than just think, too.Ā Ā
Ā He couldnāt be here anymore. He couldnāt work with the Ralshokra anymore. It hadnāt been the first time his ethical conscious had prodded him and heād felt uneasy doing a job. Things were different in Ferelden, with Saarebas leading them. The jobs they did still meant hard work, but they werenāt⦠like this. Breaking the law wasnāt something Kaaras enjoyed doing, even if it was for coin. And while not all jobs were like that, he knew, there was still enough to make him feel uneasy, and unhappy. He wanted to be proud of his work, and here, he simply couldnāt.
Ā Sensing the tension within the other man, Stenn pushed himself up from the bed and approached the younger qunari. āKaaras, I know youāre going through the mourning stages, butā,ā
Ā āI canāt do this anymore.ā
Ā Stenn blinked, trying to analyse the look across his loverās face as one of confusion spread across his own.
Ā āI⦠I canāt work with this company.ā Kaaras swallowed thickly and folded his arms against his chest, his expression stern, but still hurting. The sound of his voice was more trying to convince himself than anyone else.
Ā Stenn felt his brows furrow. Because Saarebas had died? Was it all because of that? āKaaras, youāre grievingā,ā
Ā āNo.ā The Vashoth shook his head. āItās not that, Stenn. Itās⦠itās the way this company runs itself. Someone died today, someone close, and a part of this team, and Taali just shrugs it off like we mean nothing! Like life itself means nothing!ā
Ā His hands slapped back down to his sides. āYouāve been here longer than I have. Donāt you see how thatās not alright? It wouldnāt have mattered if it were someone else, and itās not just because Saarebas was my mentor,ā although that was pretty serious, considering, āI am here to make a difference, to try and better this world. How am I doing that when people are dying?ā
Ā Stenn shook his head, putting a hand to Kaarasā shoulder. āBad things happen, Kaaras, you canāt save everyone. You know this,ā he explained. āYouāre upset, and you are hurting, and I understand that, but please take a moment to listen to yourself. What you are saying. Youād give up your work here, because something bad happened? Because we lost one man.ā
Ā One man? That woman was his family! And Stenn wasā¦
Ā Kaarasā brows arched as he watched the expression form across his loverās visage. How did Stenn not understand, because what he was saying was simply that he was upset because someone died. That someone wasnāt just a someone to him! And that someone could have been any other man or woman in this company and heād still feel the same! And they should be mourning! People werenāt just items that got slashed to pieces every damn day, they were people!. Real, living people!
Ā āAnd youād stay? Knowing that your captain is a heartless, greedy, coin mongering bitch?ā he asked.
Ā The expression on Stennās face hardened at the name calling. āKaaras, thatās uncalled for.ā
Ā āNo, you sticking up for her is uncalled for!ā He shook his head in disbelief. āBecause thatās what she is. She doesnāt care for anything other than her coin! And perhaps itās unfair for me to call her a bitch, but you stand there and tell me she isnāt. Because every mission we go on, sheās always been up her arse over it. She doesnāt listen, she doesnāt care who gets injured, so long as the job is done. I willĀ notĀ stand by when coin becomes more important than peopleās wellbeing!ā
Ā The older manās frown didnāt disappear. āThis is how weāve always done it in the Ralshokra, Kaaras, and when you joined, you knew what was at stake. I am sorry that Saarebas didnāt make it, but you are acting like a child.ā
Ā Kaarasā ears pricked back and his jaw grew tight. So he was a child because he cared? Because he didnāt want to be part of a group that was fine with their members dying off so long as a job got done and coin went in their pockets?
Ā To say he was disappointed was quite the understatement. He was pissed off and hurt, and even more, he felt betrayed that Stenn could stand there and call him a child for his compassion. He knew that his temper could get the better of him at times; he also knew that his moods made him hard to be around. But he would never take back the fact that he cared about people more than the weight of his coin purse.
Ā Stubborn til the end, he stood his ground. āI have made my choice, Stenn. Iām leaving tonight. Aith and I, and a few others who have agreed with me.ā Which was why heād taken so long to get back tonight. Heād spoken to a few of the other members of the company, and they agreed that they could no longer take part in the groupās activity.
Ā A few others? Stennās expression turned to concern, but he was just as stubborn. Kaaras was still young, and highly emotional. He had gotten better now that he was off the hooch, but even then, the man was exceptionally emotional at times. Heād come back, surely. Once the morning came around, all of this would blow over. Kaaras, after all, needed the coin, despite his caring nature. He was also (usually) a reasonable man.
Ā āKaaras, I canāt stop you from leaving, but please sleep on this. What you are saying is⦠unreasonable.ā He chose his words carefully, not to stir the other up again. āTaali may not be the most tender of leaders, but you canāt deny that she does get the job done, and that that work has made you wealthy in your stay here. What do you expect? For her to beg for you and the others to come back? Begging is not in her nature.ā
Ā āNo,ā Kaaras stated calmly, but still blunt in tone. āI donāt expect anything, Stenn. I already said I have made my decision. We are leaving come morn, and you are welcome to come with us.ā Part of him wanted to beg that the older man would come with him. Was he foolish to expect his lover to follow him? Perhaps. But this was not his choice to make. Heād already made his, and he was leaving. If Stenn wanted to stay (and he hoped he did not), then there was little he could do.
Ā What was he saying? Stenn took a breath and tried to make sense of it all. Damnit, the man was stubborn! But he couldnāt just up and leave. Unlike Kaaras, this was his life, and it had been for years now. He couldnāt just stand there and give it all up because Kaaras was being stubborn and throwing a tantrum.
Ā Putting a hand to his forehead, he looked back at the ruby eyes. They were clearly waiting for an answer. Stenn had none. For once in his life, he didnāt know what to say. No poem or ballad could get him out of this.
Ā Kaaras saw it, though, and he felt his chest clench tight before his heart fell to his very bowels. āYou donāt need to say it,ā he commented, āyour silence and hesitation is enough.ā Stenn wanted to stay.
Ā When Kaaras turned to grab his things, Stenn pulled his arm back. āWait, Kaaras, please reconsider.ā
Ā āThere is nothing to reconsider. Itās done⦠Weāre⦠weāre done.ā And it burned to say it, and his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as the words escaped his mouth. The anger from his expression was gone, morphed into something else. But he couldnāt stay here, and if Stenn couldnāt come then that was it. The both of them were simply too hung in their ways.
Ā āDonāt do this, Kaaras. We can work something out. Let me talk to Taali for you, she might listen to me, Iāve known her longer,ā he tried to explain. Damnit, the man didnāt have to leave! And yet, it seemed that this had been something Kaaras had been considering for quite some time. Maybe this was just the thing that pushed him off the precipice.
Ā āAnd what? Have her ignore you, or worse, lie to you? Nothing will change, Stenn. You said it yourself, youāve known her longer. Look me in the eyes and tell me that it will change, that she will change.ā When the other man said nothing, Kaaras just nodded. That was his answer once more, Stenn couldnāt tell him anything else, nor could he convince him that things would be different. He needed out.
Ā āTaali and I are too different, and thatāthatās fine. Iām not asking for her to roll over, and Iām not about to mutiny against her. This is her company, Stenn. Not mine. But I can no longer work for her, and that is myĀ choice. Just as it is yours to stay here.ā
Ā There was silence between them for a moment, and Stenn tried to think of something he could say that would make Kaaras change his mind. Nothing came, thoughā¦Ā Ā Ā
Ā āIāll write to you⦠We can meet up, catch up with one another.ā
Ā That only stung more. Kaaras couldnāt do it. He couldnāt do it to himself and he couldnāt do it to Stenn. If heād not cried all the tears his body was capable of producing when they burned Saarebas, then heād be crying this second. But he also didnāt want to, he didnāt want to make Stenn feel guilty, he didnāt want to manipulate him, he didnāt want any of this! But he had to do something.
Ā Closing his trunk, he stood back up and turned to the man heād almost said he loved on so many occasions, and the words still lingered there at the tip of his very tongue. They wanted to come out so badly, he wanted to tell the man that he loved him. If he said it now, though⦠that was only cruel. Cruel to the both of them.
Ā āThank you,ā he said instead, his eyes raw and tired, but honest. āFor everything you ever did for me, Stenn. You helped me more than anyone in this world has, and I will never forget that.ā Before he broke down there and then, he opened the door and made his way out of the room as quickly as he could. If Stenn tried to stop him, he didnāt know what heād do, and he couldnāt afford it right now.
Ā He was wrong, there were still tears there, and they were quick to blur his vision as he made his way down the stairs. When he got outside, he pressed his back to the wooden wall and sunk to the floor in a crouch, his hands covering his face. Whyād he do it? Whyād he say goodbye? Fuck, he didnāt even say goodbye! But he couldnāt stay here anymore, he couldnāt do this. He couldnāt work like this, and it wasnāt just him either. He had to look after his sister. If Taali ended up putting her on a mission and she got herself killed⦠Heād never forgive himself. The only reason Aith was here was because of him.
Ā This was the right choice. He knew it, Aith knew it, and the others who agreed knew it, too. Taali was restless, brash in thinking and eventually sheād get everyone killed, including herself! And as much as it hurt to do what he just did, he could no longer stay. And it was clear that Stenn couldnāt go with him.
Ā Drawing his scarf up around his face, he wiped his eyes with it, the scent of the other man still clinging to it from their time shared together. There was nothing he could do now, though, but move forward.
Ā Taking a deep and controlled breath, he pushed himself back up, swallowing and wiping his face. Heād not forget the nights spent of passion with him, the soft words and even softer kisses. Heād not forget the nightmares and shakes he suffered, sweating while detoxing from alcohol and feeling utterly useless while Stenn encouraged and supported him every step of the way.
Ā He had become a better man because of Stenn, and he would never, ever stop thanking him for that. But he also had to keep being that better person, and staying here⦠he could not achieve that. It didnāt matter how much his heart ached right now, from two losses this night, he had a family to protect, to care for and look after, and that included himself.Ā Ā
Ā Gathering himself, he took his trunk and headed towards the meeting spot theyād previously spoken of. It would be empty now, but he couldnāt return to the tavern. Heād wait for morning to come, and a new day would dawn. A new life for him also. It hurt now, but in due time, Kaaras knew that the pain would make him stronger, and that it was time to run his own life.
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