#t-ocd

Wretched healthy treatment and realising self care occasionally means doing stuff you really dislike and letting go of comforts in the pursuit of better things

Your OCD does not like it when you're happy. Your OCD takes moments of happiness as an opportunity to flare up with old obsessions or new ones. This can make you nervous of happy moments, because it's like waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you.

Let me tell you what just happened to me.

I have had a great day. I got a bunch of cleaning done and my bedsheets are freshly washed. I got to cook a delicious dinner and paint my nails, watching some Toy Story and even exercise for the first time in forever. I felt great.

And 20 minutes ago, my reoccuring Gender OCD/ T-OCD showed up way stronger than it has in months in a way I THOUGHT I was over.

Now I'm getting mad at myself for daring to have a good day, because CLEARLY I was inviting this OCD into my head and giving it permission to pitch a fit. And clearly, my precious method of NOT doing healthy and good shit to better my life IS the right choice, because it prevents the OCD from having an In to hurt me.

My lovelies. This is a form of OCD.

You obsess over OCD hurting you for living a good life, so you don't do those healthy things, to compulsively 'prevent' a potential flare up.

And if you've done therapy for this disorder, you already know what you have to do.

Keep up the trigger.

OCD is a screaming brat who wants things its way and nobody else's. It's going to shriek in the shops, kick all the tins onto the floor and go red in the face to get its way.

It cannot keep up that energy forever though. You gotta keep living your life, not giving in to its demands, no 'one last times' or 'special treats'. Let it bitch and cry and make a scene until it's exhausted. Eventually, OCD will learn that tantrums won't get it what it wants. And you're not going to give in.

If you're happy, OCD isn't. And want want OCD to be unhappy. It doesn't deserve anymore of your energy, joy, happiness- none of it.

I had a great day today and I feel good. My brain is screaming that I'm wrong about my gender identity and if I don't cut off my breasts and go by They Them right this second, I am dooming myself to a depression suicide.

In the midst of this flare up, I did what I said in the comic, and I finally spent money to get myself a nice new dress.

I went from mentally crippled and trapped in my room from ungodly fear and convinced all alcohol drinkets would kill themselves- to someone whp can be arround, joke about and even cook with alcohol. I don't like the flavour or bad health factors of it, but I'm not afraid anymore. I had traumatic experiences with alcohol and severe OCD attached to it.

I never could have predicted this outcome.

Sure I cant see my future free of my current problems, but there's no harm in pushing to get better.

On the other hand, like, I'm having a flare up of one of my worst OCD triggers I've ever gone through, T-OCD. And it's fucking BAD. And I'm exhausted from all the therapy stuff I'm doing to work through it. But like- I'm doing it. Without my therapist telling me to. Without ANYONE telling me to. I'm doing the stuff I need to do. It sucks and I hate it and I wish someone with superpowers could swoop in and just magic it all away.

But man. I'm actually doing my therapies as a reaction, I'm not doing unhealthy stuff as a reaction.