#t bone steaks

Cow man or the bovine battler

“CUSTOMER SERVICE” by DJS

So you know that thing where you see a commercial for a product on TV and you know it’s a scam? Yeah, that thing.

I also just realized that by making it to DAY TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE… I only have 100 more entries to go for this blog.

Scene one.

Break room. Air conditioning.

John (mid-thirties, slacks and dress shirt, no tie) eats his lunch from a Panda Express take-out container. With a fork. Orange chicken and mushroom chicken, with fried rice. He scrolls through Facebook on his phone instead of reading the paperback he’s brought along.

Shawn (same age, same basic look) enters. Also with a bag from Panda Express. He sits at another table. They nod to each other.

SHAWN         Hey.

JOHN  Hey.

SHAWN         Was that line long or what?

JOHN  Oh I must have missed it.

SHAWN         Lucky you. So what’d you get?

JOHN  Orange chicken and mushroom chicken.

SHAWN         Cool. Orange chicken and honey walnut shrimp here.

John nods.

Costs extra, another dollar twenty-five, but it’s worth it. Have you tried it?

JOHN                          Nuh-uh.

SHAWN                     Well you should try it sometime.

John nods. Then they lapse into silence. Eating. Shawn uses chopsticks.

This does not go unnoticed by John.

SHAWN                     Fried rice or noodles?

JOHN                          Fried rice.

  Scene two.

Split scene. John’s cubicle in a call center. Sound of other calls/conversation in background.

John wears a headset. Talking to:

Alvin (early sixties, polo shirt) on his back deck. Cordless phone. A hot summer afternoon.

JOHN                          Hello. Thank you for calling New Vitality. My name’s John. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to this afternoon?  

ALVIN                       Alvin. I saw your commercial.

JOHN                          Of course, sir. And how can I assist you today?

ALVIN                       Well it was kind of vague is all. I guess I just wanted to know if it worked.

JOHN                          This is the Super Beta Prostate, sir?

ALVIN                       Yeah, that.

JOHN                          Well, we are the number one prostate supplement currently on the market.

ALVIN                       But do you have any research, studies to back up your claims?

JOHN                          Well, in terms of feedback, sir, our customer approval is quite high. Men are seeing the kind of results they’ve been looking for.

ALVIN                       Which are what exactly?

JOHN                          Well, customers have reported having to go to the bathroom less frequently and therefore being able to sleep through the night, amongst other benefits.

ALVIN                       And that’s proven is what you’re saying?

JOHN                          Our customers are seeing results, yes, sir.

ALVIN                       You said that before, about seeing results.

JOHN                          Yes, sir, they are. We’re currently outselling all other prostate supplements on the market.

ALVIN                       You said that before too.

JOHN                          I tell you what, sir. What if I sent you a one-month supply of Super Beta Prostate for you to try out at home, free of charge, with no obligation to renew?

ALVIN                       No charge?

JOHN                          Yes, sir.

ALVIN                       But would I have to sign up for something?

JOHN                          I would need some info, yes, sir, just to get you started.

ALVIN                       Like what?

JOHN                          Well, your name, your address, email and phone, a credit card—

ALVIN                       Credit card? But I thought it was free?

JOHN                          It is, sir. This would be a one-month free trial.

ALVIN                       You wouldn’t charge me?

JOHN                          No, sir. Unless you called back to renew.

ALVIN                       But renew what? I thought I was just ordering some pills, like a one-time deal.

JOHN                          And you can do that, sir. But many of our customers prefer a subscription plan which can save you an incredible amount in the long-term. Even in the short-term—

ALVIN                       But this one-month free trial thing wouldn’t cost me anything, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

JOHN                          No, sir.

ALVIN                       Then what do you need my credit card for?

JOHN                          Just to open the account, sir, so if you ever do want to reorder we can make the process quick and easy for you.

ALVIN                       Is your stuff available over the counter?

JOHN                          Over the counter?

ALVIN                       Like at the drug store.

JOHN                          No, sir, only online or over the phone.

ALVIN                       You’d think you’d be in stores.

JOHN                          Yes, sir.

ALVIN                       And what’s the active ingredient?

JOHN                          Well, it’s a combination of vitamins and other supplements, but primarily a revolutionary new compound beta sitosterol that—  

ALVIN                       You know, I think you’re full of shit.

John says nothing.

                                   And some of your reviews I read online said you basically, said the stuff doesn’t work.

Still nothing. Waits.

                                   But I guess I’ll give it a shot anyway. What do I have to lose? Since it’s free, I mean.

JOHN                          Yes, sir.

ALVIN                       And I’m up half the night peeing anyway.

JOHN                          Yes, sir. Great. If I could just start with your last name?

ALVIN                       Morris. Alvin Morris.

JOHN                          (typing) Thank you, sir. And your address?

 Scene three.

John’s apartment. That night. From the kitchen we hear the whirring sound of a microwave.

John (in more casual clothes) is sitting on the couch. Remote in hand, channel surfing. As the microwave beeps, he settles on a rerun of a sitcom, like That 70’s Show or Seinfeld.

He exits to the kitchen.

 Scene four.

Alvin’s back deck. Also that night.

Alvin is at the barbecue, waiting for the grill to heat up. The sliding glass door opens. His wife Liz comes out of the house carrying a plate with two T-bone steaks on it.

LIZ      How’s the grill doing? About ready?

ALVIN           Almost.

LIZ      (as she sets the plate down) These look good, don’t they?

ALVIN           Were they on sale?

LIZ      Oh, you’d never believe the price I got.

ALVIN           Yeah, where’d you get ‘em, Safeway?

LIZ      Albertsons. I also got a bottle of a wine for tonight.

ALVIN           Good thinking.

She moves back towards the sliding glass door.

LIZ      So, the grill?

ALVIN           Another couple minutes and I’ll throw them on.

LIZ      I’ll put together the salad, then.

ALVIN           Sounds good.

Liz goes back into the house. Alvin checks the temperature on the barbecue.