#system logs

the most embarrassing thing about being a system that refuses to rlly communicate much in the way of concrete information to the like main fronting personality or whatever (idk im new to this leaf me alone) is that instead of names we're doing these stupid monikers. what the fuck do u mean "deer in the headlights" n "bpd princess" im kms

new headmate whos been fucking shit up decided to say hi. wont say shit tho or share memories or probs talk again, at least for a while. hi mira,,,,, ig.

i like to think of my system as a poly chevrusas sitch

we have some names!!

i fucking hate u i fuckinf hate u i hope u fucking die how dare u do that how dare u how dare u how dare u if i have to kms to stop u hurting ppl i will ill take u out w me fuck u fuck u fuck u

pretty sure there is a #mystery headmate whos been fronting a lot recently who we have nooooo internal communication or memory sharing w whatsoever bc we dont remember so much shit recently like blackouts way worse than they usually are

my dissociation has been ordered extremely bad blackouts so bad ppl r noticing the gaps in my memory stuff like that n its rlly getting to me a lot bc ive been v good at keeping that shit under control and hidden and now its impossible at least for a bit n i feel so out of control

we got some breast prosthetics (in the post rn) bc the way our dysphoria manifests & how we want to be seen n present has changed a lot over the past 2 yrs n we feel weird about it kinda. like not in the principle of wanting to do smthn and thus doing it but just like. the last host was there for so long n had such a defined sense of who he was (gender wise) n its so at odds w what ours is. he wanted top surgery n no bottom surgery. he loved how masc our torso bad gotten. we wish he hadnt gotten top surgery (tho appreciate we wldnt have been approved for bottom surgery w/o it) n want bottom surgery. we love what t has done for a lot of how we look (tummy hair !! narrower hips !!! how my face now looks!!!) but there r some things that just make us feel So Bad. n its not bad enough to stop t bc the good is still good. n we somtimes worry we r fakng being trans n that its changed n its just a label we have become attached to, , but also. none of us or at the very least not more than one of us is anything other than a vacuous space of nothing when it comes to personal conception of gender (n its like nera doesnt think of itself as a Woman either - just more adjacently to womanhood than the others) idk i got a did diagnosis today and im kindaaaa fucked up about it