Originally posted on The Syrup Trap

Dear Mr. Hicks,

We read your submission, “The Gospel of Brandon,” with great interest. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that we will not be using it for publication in The New Testament at this time.

Although we appreciate your enthusiasm for the subject, we feel that perhaps you did not know Jesus of Nazareth well enough to provide an accurate biography of him. Quite frankly, your manuscript just doesn’t have the up-close-and-personal details about Mr. Christ that we’re looking for.

We cannot refute your claim that you met the Son of God at Solomon’s Bar and Grill outside of Galilee, and we appreciate the significance of his divine presence there. However, we take issue with how he is portrayed in this chapter. Please remember that we are trying to reach a devoutly religious audience with this text, one which perhaps will not fully appreciate a messiah who can “drink like a fish” [2:6], or “beat literally anyone at wine-pong” [2:8].

We have received an influx of submissions in the past few months since the passing of Mr. Christ. After we put out our initial call for stories, we received eleven hand-written manuscripts from some of his closest associates in the first week alone, as well as a half-finished “tell-all” from a prostitute who claims to have known him intimately.

This is not to suggest that we saw no value in your book. We particularly enjoyed the parables that you say Jesus recited at the bar, such as the one about the three blind rabbis, or the one that ends with the man telling his wife “Liquor? I hardly know her!” While these stories do amuse, we are not convinced that they convey any unique insights into the message that Jesus was trying to impart. Especially the account of the martyr crossing the road — we are quite sure we’ve heard that one before.

We respect your determination to provide your account of the life of the Son of God, and believe you showed great gumption in procuring an in-depth interview with Lazurus of Bethany. Nevertheless we found that some of his quotes, such as “All I see is hellfire and pain. Please kill me.” [8:11] to be more upsetting than inspirational.

Your proverbs [14:1-26] show a talent for clear, concise writing. But we found some of these edicts, such as “Do not set foot on a crack. For this action shall break thy mother’s back.” [14:10-12] to be somewhat unrealistic. We also found that a great number of these proverbs could be interpreted as being both extraordinarily misogynistic or homophobic (particularly around [14:16-23]). Although we may agree with many of these sentiments, this is something that we are trying to move away from in our latest edition.

Overall, while we enjoyed your submission, we do not think that the text is compatible with our New Testament. Still—we think you have talent. We have forwarded your work on to some friends of ours. They are former Bible associates, and current editors of a new publication tentatively titled The Qur’an, and we think your work will be a perfect fit for their forthcoming book.

God bless you, and all of your future endeavours.

Eternally yours,

John the Apostle

TORONTO (The News Desk) — Celebrations surrounding Alice Munro’s Nobel Prize in Literature spiraled out of control yesterday, as law enforcement officials responded to numerous reports of “excessive enthusiasm surrounding Canadian literature.”

Authors and serious readers were seen running through the streets of Toronto, wearing body paint and shouting derogatory comments about contemporary continental literature, sources reported.

VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — UBC student Kristen Blake was surprised today after receiving full marks for a printer test page she unintentionally submitted during a discussion section last week. Blake said she handed the test page in “totally by accident” after a long night of studying.

Sources say that Blake’s professor, Dr. Jake Tippett, winked and nodded knowingly as he returned the paper to her Monday morning.

“Kristen’s two-page essay starts off simply enough, with a page of well-written but boring text,” said Tippett. “But the second page — the second page completely blew me away.

VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — The University of British Columbia announced today that it will move its main campus to the city of Toronto next year in an effort to become more globally relevant.

“We’ve had a great run here in Vancouver, building a strong, prestigious reputation in the Lower Mainland, British Columbia and even parts of Western Canada,” said spokesperson Fred Piper, “but today we’re taking the next step. Starting next winter term, UBC will begin operating in the great city of Toronto.”

#1: The weather

At first the sun comes out and I'm like

but then it starts raining and I'm like c'mon Vancouver! Make up your mind!

#2: Lululemon

I’m no fashion maven, but it’s pretty clear that clothing is another big fail for Vancouver. People think they look good in yoga pants, but in reality they don’t look good, they look the opposite of good, which isn’t good.

It’s time to wake up. Nobody wants to see that! All I have to say is: fail.

#3: The forceful internment of Japanese Canadians during WWII

The internment of Japanese Canadians during the Second World War remains one of the most serious humanitarian crimes ever committed in British Columbia. In 1942, Canadian officials revoked the rights of Japanese Canadians living in Vancouver under baseless suspicions of sabotage and espionage, and indiscriminately displaced thousands of British Columbians to ill-equipped, cramped holding camps in the interior of the province. The episode reminds us of the legacy of racism in Canada.

#4: The displacement and cultural destruction of BC's indigenous population

British Columbia’s colonial past and its relationship to Canada’s First Nations isn’t just problematic: it is the province’s most looming unresolved historical problem. Colonialism not only destroyed the lives of millions of First Nations peoples across Canada, but also eradicated large swathes of aboriginal culture, heritage and ways of life. The healing process from this legacy of violence and cultural genocide will continue for the foreseeable future, and will remain the single largest historical problem in B.C. and Canada in general.

#5: Crazy high cost of living

Sometimes houses here are so expensive, I can’t believe how high the number on the price tag is! One million dollars? Are you kidding me? Vancouver’s expensive housing scene is another reason why life in the city can be difficult. Your house is for sale? More like fail! ♦