#syndicatcd

 BENEATH   FAIR   SKIN,   HYDRAGENIAS   IN   BLOOM.   to   curb   the   blood   thirst   and   set   the   veins   on   fire:   i   devour,   i   persevere,   i   exist.   raise   above   it,   part   the   red   sea,   don’t   ask   too   many   questions   when   the   sky   too   splits   open         (   as   above,   so   below   ),         breathe.   legends   always   bleed   the   same   crimson,   and   she’s   always   been   more   human   than   myth;   she’s   known   saints   and   martyrs,   held   together   bloodied   vessels   like   the   divinity   spilling   through   the   cracks   didn’t   burn   her   skin,   and   this   isn’t   that.   she’s   not   nearly   desperate   enough   to   throw   self-sacrifice   at   the   feet   of   ravenous   gods   and   hope   to   survive   with   her   soul   intact.   and   yet   she’s   here.   and   yet   she   keeps   walking   into   danger,   laughing   in   the   face   of   death,   giving   james   heart   attacks.

 ❝   that   chair   looks   uncomfortable,   ❞         the   raspiness   of   her   voice   does   not   deter   the   smile   from   forming.   the   hand   not   currently  attached   to   the   iv   stretches   out   to   brush   the   hair   away   from   his   face,   groaning   when   the   motion   pulls   at   the   stitches.          ❝   how   long   was   i   out   ??   ❞ 

STEVE DOES HIS BEST TO KEEP HIS FEATURES SCHOOLED.  he’s  still  reeling  from  the  events  of  his  latest  battle  and  the  fact  that  james  is  alive!  he  should  be  jumping  for  joy  that  his  best  friend  is  alive  and  well.  but  the  circumstance  of  their  meeting,  getting  a  glimpse  into  bucky’s  past,  it’s  horrifying.  guilt  is  so  thick,  steve  feels  as  if  he  may  drown.  so  many  horrors  had  befallen  his  friend.  while  rogers  is  glad  to  have  the  man  back  in  his  life,  it  would  have  been  better  if  james  had  died  in  the  explosion.

there  is  slight  trepidation  that  settles  in  his  chest  as  steve  makes  a  slow  approach  to  james.  breath  quickens  as  he  struggles  with  what  to  say.  this  is  different  than  when  the  other  had  first  taken  a  life.  this  is  having  memories  shoved  back  into  your  head  and  the  realization  of  what  you’d  been  made  to  do  clawing  at  your  mind.  steve  isn’t  sure  how  he  can  help  but  the  least  he  can  do  is  support  his  friend.

HE   TAKES   A   DEEP   BREATH   AND   TRIES   TO   LET   HIS   WORDS   SINK   IN.   but   it’s   hard   when   it   feels   like   there   is   such   a   distance   between   them.   when   space   between   them   has   grown   –   physically   as   well   as   emotionally.   steve,   ever   the   optimist,   wants   to   tell   himself   that   it’ll   pass.   hell,   this   is   bucky,   right   ?   they’ve   known   each   other   since   they   were   children.   why   would   he   suddenly   feel   like   things   had   changed   ?   why   was   he   falling   back   into   old   patterns,   into   habits   that   he   thought   he   had   forgotten   about   once   the   serum   had   changed   his   life.   maybe   at   heart,   he   was   still   that   little   guy   from   brooklyn.   

“   everybody   is   saying   that.   “   steve   nods.   and   he   is   being   ungrateful   here,   knows   he   should   appreciate   his   life   more.   but   part   of   him   still   suffers.   part   of   him   still   remembers   every   dance   he   had   asked   for   and   got   turned   down   while   he   watched   his   best   friend   have   fun.   part   of   him   still   knows   what   it   feels   like   to   be   in   the   audience   of   the   life   he   wished   he   could   have   lived.   not   that   he   blames   buck   for   it,   NOT   ONE   BIT.   but   the   memory   is   still   there.   and   it’s   the   reason   for   the   distance   he   has   started   to   feel.   “   but   sometimes   i   still   feel   lonely   in   a   room   full   of   people.   sometimes   i   still   feel   lonely   when   we’re   together.   “

( @syndicatcd​ ) «  ❝  i want to look in the mirror one day and not feel uncomfortable with my own reflection.  ❞

               IT WAS A shattering moment of honesty that tore right through her. They’d gone through unspeakable horrors beyond description, both of them, but despite the scars laid across her soul, Becky couldn’t imagine what he bore every day. Every day. Knowing his body had been puppetted without him in it, knowing that he hadn’t been his own. The process he’d gone through in attempts to empty himself out of his own limbs. It defied both explanation or comprehension, and she’d given up trying to pretend like she’d get it in a hundred years. 

She couldn’t empathize with him, and sympathizing had always felt too close to pity, so she remained quiet for a long stretch of time, wondering what words were even helpful in this situation. She couldn’t just promise him that he was there now, or give him platitudes like the changes are fine. 

Slowly, deliberately, she reached across the distance of the couch on which they were sitting and smoothed his hair away from his brow in a move she’d down about a hundred thousand times as they grew up. And for a moment, she was transported back, back, back. And for a moment, nothing had changed. 

    HE   DOES   WHAT   HE   AND   BUCKY   ALWAYS   DO   WHEN   THE   SEA   FEELS   ROUGH.   arms   come   up   around   the   slightly   older   and   he   draws   him   into   a   hug.   it’s   tight   and   it’s   honest.   the   type   of   hug   to   give   you   stability   and   comfort.   to   make   you   feel   secure.   a   hug   done   a   million   times   before   and   yet,   never   worth   less   than   it   has   before.   the   type   of   hug   they   had   shared   as   kids   and   they   would   now   as   adults.

“   it’s   fine,   buck.   the   new   you   is   good.   you’re   good.   “   captain   offers   words   of   assurance   to   brunette,   head   leaning   against   his.   no   matter   what   demons   he   was   fighting,   steve   wouldn’t   let   him   run   onto   the   battlefield   by   himself.   he’d   always   have   his   back.