Will I always wonder what if?
This last Friday was my birthday, my plan was to spend the night alone with food, some series, some movies, a lot of snacks, maybe do some crocheting and maybe draw a little. Because thats all things that I love to do when I am alone. Which I am every night of the week but still... I really do like doing all those things. A lot. And I do them, a lot. I have had this cold on and off for a month and doesn't really sleep that good, so that also made me feel like maybe it’s just better for me to stay in. As I do, most of my spare time. I am super fun I know. Only miss my crazy poodle at my parents home so I can be that crazy lady with a lot of poodles with a bad back and poor joints... I am in my young and crazy twenties.
I had however, written in a fb group and asked earlier that week if someone was up for doing something that Friday. My hope was that some of those in that group I kind of know briefly would like to join me for some tacos and drinks. Just to get out there, I know it could be fun. It could of course also be horrible and cold and me just wanting to be in my safe fluffy-film-food corner. But still, it could be nice doing something else espacially on my birthday I thought so I made an vague effort. Sadly, like often in my life no one actually replied. I deleted my post on the group wall when I woke up and recognized a familiar name telling the group she was heading out that same night, with two other friends and anyone who wanted too could tag along. I was a bit hesitant, haven’t actually met her and had heard she’s wild by some of my friends. Nothing wrong with that, just wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted to do. Got an text about dinner plans and by that point I really felt like I needed to get out of the house. Maybe just for a walk! The cold, no sleep and all the noise at home... I needed to leave. So I wrote a comment in the group, telling her maybe I am up for her plans but my dinner might run late. Needed to ensure I had an exit incase my bed called for my name too loudly. Talked to my brother that really thought I should go and that it sounded like fun, but it really depended on how tired and how my cold I was. Like most things he says to me I listen and often do. We are very much alike and I can talk about everything with him, the only really differens is that I get my period every month and he just got bad moodswings.
So after dinner fixed me up and went. I taged along the Pub crawl they were doing and met them at the third bar I think. Got some shots and a drink. Danced a bit before we needed to go to to the next bar. Got another shot, a couple of drinks and some happy birthdays. Half of our gang in the group used the toilet so we placed us between the bar and them. A guy gang closer to the bar started talking to us a bit, also in the pub crawl, we said hello to each other, I immediately saw that there was some potential in the group and then the other girls came back and the next one needed to go... Classic. Our two groups made a new effort again of saying hello to each other. He approached me and asked if i had this app. I had no clue and asked my friend what kind of app it was, she explained and he said that he was sure he had seen me somewhere and that he didn’t have tinder. Nice opener. We started talking, then he went away and of we wore to the next place!
My friend also thought he looked good so she was on him I told the other two that I call dibs on him ‘cos its my birthday. Got some shots, another drink, met another nice looking gentleman at the bar. Then he came over and gave me a hug and scared the other man away. We then went to the dance floor and started dancing all of us. In a weird funny way. Met some other people I kind of know and then we went to the second floor. The heavy metal bar, he tried to take some photos it didn’t go that well, my friend and he was at the bar the and the others close by. I waited at a table and when they got over I told my friend that ‘yo I called dibs on him its my birthday back off’. Kind of. Or not kind of, I did. Then at the next place, you held me and told me that you loved me, for some reason. And we splited on a gum outside. The last bar I felt like i didn’t do anything else then wait for my friends in the rest room. You came up to me a bit and then disappeared, I went to find the girls, went back and you were back. Heard some of your friends talking about this club. You tried to get my fb and me the same it didn’t really go that well with no signal. Lost friends and an over crowded place. In that stress filled moment none of us wore really thinking too clearly. By a number of reasons.
Eventually we were almost all of the girls. One was missing, but we kind of knew she had been talking with one of your friends so we left the last bar. One wanted food and the other two I didn’t really know where they wore going except they didn’t want to join me. I felt a bit stressed, this was it. I had a few minutes until the club was closing. So, I showed where this other girl could eat and then went to the club. Hoping to find you. She tagged along, went to the bathroom. Again, should I continue waiting for the girls in the bathroom? I promised her not to lose her. But my heart wanted something else. So I went and looked around, on my way back to her there you wore! With your white jumper and your dark soft hair! Smiling with your whole face, picked me up and swirled me around. Telling me you thought you would’ve to stalk me down and never would see me again. I said the same, answering you on how i found you by overhearing the others. Then asked where the others wore and you told me our lost one was indeed with your friend. The other girl came back and all three of us danced around. I kind of waited out the other girl to get lost and danced away. You followed, we kissed and then went and took my things. You literally picked me up. Carried me on the longest way home. What should have taken maximum twenty minutes took like an hour, I’m sorry for that. We talked and you carried me to the bed, tried too make me worm. You wore super hot like fire and I was cool like ice. Just had too write that. Lol.
Not that long after, your friends rolled in with an ongoing after party and continued to open the door, lovely. The first couple of times was awkward but short. They either asked for something or yeah, closed it again. But the longer the party the more intrusive they got. And if I hadn’t felt like I did know you and that you would listen to me and be on my side, I wouldn’t felt safe and I probably would panic. Even tough it shouldn't matter, it does, being the only girl in a hotel room with three guys knowing theres a party outside isn’t the best situation if something would happen.
We talked some more and I thought you wore super weird. And I think you tought ‘’Du också’’. Mostly thought it was weird because you look so good and not only that you’re also smart and had good knowledge in general of everything. It felt like I’ve known you for longer period of time and it just felt right in a weird way. I wanted you. We could have talked even more, we could have done more. You gave me a massage, kissed my forehead tried to keep me worm. Cuddled with me and talked about the big questions in life. Laughed, we kissed and just looked in each others eyes for hours...
We fell asleep, my phone made a noise and I knew I had to leave. I was supposed to go on a trip with my work. A few minutes later someone knocked on the door. I didn’t really get what was going on except that I needed to leave. So I grabbed my things, both feeling not that great and disoriented. Got a kiss and then of I went... Wanted to run back and get your number but was also in a bit of an hurry... And also feeling quite hungry and a bit sick. That was it. Theres that. I had a lovely start of my new year. Been singing Broder Daniel since.
About that Friday.
One part of me, thinks of this night like a dream. From when I decided to find him and forward just feels so unreal to me. Partly because I hadn't slept good in a long time and partly because I was a bit drunk, but the biggest part was him. He made it feel like a dream. He looked good and seemed to kind of like me back.
And a part of me feel like that could be fine. That that one night out can be just that. A beautiful moment. That our connection we had with each other and one night love could be allowed to be just that. Nothing more. Nothing complicated, just have that moment with each other. That night only we share. It felt like a dream. I feel like I love him. I know how it sounds, but I do. I really do. The person I saw, the one he let me see, that person was lovely and how he was too me was lovely. That person I feel some kind of love for, just as an human. It was just a lovely moment, a great night and lovely vibes. Nothing more and nothing less.
But the other part will always regret not getting your contact information before rushing of in the morning. That part will look for you when I head out and that part will always wonder, what if? We can’t go back in time and I think we should meet again. I also believe that things happens for some kind of reason. But I don’t want this to be just a night that feels like dream. I want it to be real.
Sam, if thats really your name. Black vans and with Yoda dangling in your car. A middle child to a middle child. Partly dog owner to a partly dog owner, Tia and Millie.
I know your middle name. Thats not a lot to go on. I looked on every Sam on fb saying they are in the Navy. None of them was you. I remember you profile picture vaguely and I beat myself up for that. That and not getting your number. Or something! But thats too late to think about now. I fear I never will see you again but also too see you and realize your actually didn’t want too see me again or that you are just another doushbag. I know what hotel you stayed at and one of your friends name. My aussie friend wanted to meet your aussie friend again too btw.
You mentioned Bali something with 3 weeks and easter break. I have a blurry picture of you which google just describe as ‘’people’’ and one of you sisters first name. We are born the same year, me the second month of it and you, the second last one on in it. You carry a silver necklace for protection that you’ve got from your mom.
Theres only one person in the whole wide world with my name, so I am not that hard to track down. Not the easiest name perhaps to know and spell right, but your Swedish was good. I have an open instagram and you know my birthday and where I’m from. A small and easy-to stalk people down-country. Everyone knows someone that know that person you’re looking for. So you should, like you said. Find me. I showed you on a map where I live here as well.
And yes, I still want to grab that coffee with you if you still would like too. And if you may, I could buy you dinner.
