#sweetsuomi

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When we had become adults – just shortly after you and I left Mathias’ home – The world felt like it was suddenly very very big. I thought I was going to be alone and I was afraid. I didn’t know you were going to follow me. I was a weird boy who had blue eyes that looked like I was going to eat you alive but you found courage and dared to follow me. But I wasn’t the real threat. There were others. We were surrounded by even scarier and stranger things. They were even scarier than the elves, trolls and the man who turns into a horse who were living in the forest we liked to play in. These were other countries. I wanted to keep you safe from all of them. They were stronger than me but I knew that if I took them one by one, it wouldn’t be a problem. I could defeat them and protect you. I didn’t know why they liked you too. Was it because they saw how gentle you were? How beautiful your eyes are? How peaceful you made the world seem? Ever since we had that night under the stars where you allowed me to hold you close, I didn’t feel so afraid that you’d punch me out of fright. Even if you did, my love for you would endure the pain. You had a strong poke, I still remember. I think if you punch me, I won’t mind if it hurts. Your courage to be with me and facing every challenge with me, I love you for that.

When I had become a man –just shortly after you were taken away from me by Ivan- did you know that my world had crumbled apart? Did you ever know that I had to let you go to keep you safe? I no longer cared what would have happened to me as long as you are out of harm’s way, if death came upon me, I would die happy. I was afraid of losing you but what scared me even more, was, you having to go through what I had gone through under excruciating defeat. I lost everything but they had to take you away too. I died that day. With the other half of my heart taken away, how was I supposed to go on? I struggled so hard during those times. Loneliness. Pain. Suffering. If Ivan used you against me, I would rather take your blade right through my heart than have to fight you. I could never do that. You were better off being taken than being beat to the ground. I would not be able to bear seeing you down with me. I guess your weird boy who had blue eyes that looked like he was going to eat you alive, failed you. He wasn’t strong enough. But after a hundred years, you came back and defeated the one who took you away. You suffered much under him too but even after everything, you came back to me. I wasn’t worthy. I lost you. But your love, your will to be with me, to continue being with me, I love you so much for that.

When you had become mine –after everything we’ve been through- I was the happiest man on this planet. From that time when I dreamt of you playing with them bunnies, when you waited for me at the port, when you ran away with me and slept with me under the stars, when you fought for your freedom and still choose to keep me so close, and when you said you wanted to just be with me, being together- is it not common sense for a man like me to love a man like you? A man who has given me his all? A man who let’s me call him “my wife”? This boy with the blue eyes who looked like he was going to eat you alive loves you- For everything you are and are not. Someday, I would want to tell you but you might hit me out of fright. You had a strong poke, I remembered still. A punch? Nej, I’ll be able to handle that now.

Why I love you. I cannot even tell. 

I really tried to write an essay but my creativity eludes me. I'm sorry but this is what's left of part two.

I’ve gone on and one about how we were back then without really sighting any reason why I love you. It’s kind of tragic to write something entitled WHY I LOVE YOU and reminisce about the past without giving the reasons why.  So after that really long part one, part two is going to be straight to the point.

I love you because you were strong when I was weak and out.

I love you because your eyes are the gentlest and most honest eyes I’ve ever seen.

I love you because you make me feel that you are mine and we are one.

I love you because you cook for me even if everyone thinks your food is weird.

I love you because your voice is sexy when we talk and do stuff.

I love you because you always give me your all even when I least deserve it.

I love you because you make me your man and that makes me your man too. We are men for each other.

I love you because of the little things you do that make my heart want to jump out of my chest and dance if it could but I’d be dead if it did.

So, yeah. It ain't so good.

Well, that’s all that I can think of.. For now. My head is drained. But now that I am a man and our innocence has left us behind I just want to tell you, love. (not that you'll get the chance anyway.. I'm keeping this to myself. What's the point in writing something like this Berwald if you don't show it to Tino anyway. You're crazy big guy. Tsk. Talking to yourself through your writing. You're pathetic.)

I love you.

I just love you even if you aren’t any of the above. I love you. Love you. 

When we were kids -maybe a few centuries old- I used to sit behind that old tree and watch you play with them bunnies. You were so cute then and very strong too, I was scared of getting near you. But everytime I look at you and them bunnies, I kinda felt at home with you. It was like the world was such a peaceful place. Unlike my own where people had to fight for stuff, you made my world brighter. I’ve wanted you to be mine ever since. It was kind of childish for me to dream about you- but then again, I was indeed just another child. To you, I was just that weird boy with blue eyes who looked like he wanted to eat you alive. Well, when I got older, tasting you would have been the premium. But that’s for later. I wanted to smile at you when you chased them bunnies around but I was scared you’d hit me in fright. I remember, you had a strong poke. A punch? Nej. Couldn’t handle that. You were strong and innocent and I love you for that.

When we were kids –maybe a little older than 7 centuries- I used to walk ahead of you because Mathias said there were many strange things like trolls, elves and that really scary man who turns into a horse who were living in the forest we liked to play in. I had to learn how to handle a spear twice as tall as I am, a heavy sword that was so heavy and that shield bigger than my body. I’ve wanted to protect you from those strange things ever since. I purposely walked ahead because you never know when they might jump right infront of you and I could fend them off while you ran away. You didn’t need to worry because I think I was strong enough. For you, I had to be. But if I were eaten, what would you feel? Well, I still was the boy who had blue eyes who looked like he wanted to eat you alive. But, you looked at me differently then, your eyes were softer. Your purple eyes were gentle. I think you would be sad if I ended up in that scary man who turns into a horse’s tummy. Those eyes of yours though, and how filled they are with life, hope and gentleness, I love you for that.

Berwald! [he shouts, his voice rising to a higher decibel to indicate he was upset] don’t! Don’t push me away and out of your life because you think it’s what’s best for me! I love you damn it! Berwald! Please!

*He looks at Tino, a certain gentleness in his eyes. He opens the door again and wobbles towards the Finn.*

… Just need to sort out m’ feelins.. *He says as he leans on the Finn wrapping him in his arms. He buries his head and inhales that familiar scent of lilies in the junction of his neck. He staggers again as he moves away.*