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This one opens with Louis and Twitty at school in some computer/Geography hybrid class. As their teacher begins a lecture on Afghanistan, we get the very first actual dialogue of the series, and it’s pretty good imo:

Teacher: Now, if you turn your attention to Afghanistan... Louis: [shouting at the computer with joy] YES!!! Twitty: Louis, it’s just Afghanistan. What’s the big deal?

Of course, Louis isn’t celebrating over the wonders of Afghanistan. He’s talking to someone online who’s willing to sell him what’s clearly supposed to be a knock-off of a rare and highly coveted Pokémon trading card. This is so funny in retrospect because the entire planet was playing Pokémon Go! last year. Points for maintaining relevancy! But basically, Louis really wants to own a Roaring Drycon... Which is not a Pokémon, but is definitely supposed to be a Pokémon: 

Yes. The internet used to look like this.

It turns out, the seller of the card is none other than Ernie Morton. A frankly nasty, unhygienic, arrogant, nerdy creeper to say the least. Thank god he’s a throwaway character and only here for this one episode. He tells Louis that the price he’s asking for is a date with Ren. 

Louis says to himself: “Why couldn’t he just ask for something easy? Like my mom’s Volvo.” - This is a small, but interesting parallel to Boy Meets World and was only brought to my attention when I read through this ranking of every BMW episode. Apparently, Cory puts on music, Topanga asks where he got it from and he says “I don’t know. It came with my mom’s Volvo.” Idk. Like I mentioned before.. there are a few (stronger) similarities between the two shows. I might even start a similarities tag, lol. But, yeah. This really stood out to me for some reason. 

There’s a scene where two girls approach Twitty all flirty in the hallway and Louis makes them run for this hills after awkwardly shouting “WAAAZZZUUUP?!?” at them. (Which I’m assuming is a reference to the classic Budweiser commercial that premiered in 1999 and became a popular catchphrase.) I’ve seen so many gifs of this. I’m even guilty of using one on my about page. Louis tells Twitty that he made the deal with Ernie, explaining “Ernie just wants to hang out with a popular girl, and I happen to live with one.” Once again, reminding me that Ren is supposed to be popular! I still think it’s cool that she’s not the stereotypical, vapid popular girl you usually see though. 

Ren really wants to beat this chick Adrienne Dunmore for Service Volunteer of the Month. She’s currently falling behind her and needs to work 4 more hours over the weekend. We see another one of Ren’s early placeholder BFFs, an Asian girl named Jewel. Random, but both of Ren’s placeholder best friends were minorities. Doesn’t really mean anything, lol. Just something I noticed.

Ren staring at Adrienne all green with envy after checking their volunteer hours. But, can we talk about how Ren’s entire bellybutton and stomach is showing?! What the heck, Disney?! I know it was in style I guess. But, for an 8th grader? Also, aside from it being purple... It doesn’t really seem like something Ren would wear. Probably just a first-episode hiccup.

And here’s Jewel. She’s also very peppy like Charlotte. 

We see the Stevens family at home that night celebrating Ren’s birthday! There’s a pretty funny bit where Donnie gives Ren various pictures of himself, blissfully unaware of how narcissistic he is. The show makes good use of this later on. One particular picture of Donnie “on vacation” is seen on Ren’s bedside table in After Hours! I love good, subtle continuity! It helps make their world feel a little more real. 

Donnie’s gift in this episode. 

...and here seen in S1, E13. This is actually pretty funny. Another photo he gave her of himself playing baseball can be seen in the bottom/left, too. Haha, perfect. The only weird thing is that it looks like she has some strange Donnie shrine, lol wth. 

Louis obviously forgot to get Ren a gift and tries to play it off by saying “I got her a thing. It’s a very very nice thing. But, I got it over the internet. These things don’t just pop out of the screen” with a mouth full of cake. It’s funny, but also a little sad. Steve says “Oh, Lou. Not again...” (which I hear perpetually in my mind whenever Louis messes up) before the entire family clears out of the living room -- disappointed as he rambles off his excuses. Oh, god.. I’m seeing shades of Uncle Chuck. 

Louis is wracking his mind trying to come up with a way to get Ren and Ernie to hang out together alone. Once he gets an idea, there’s a bit where he knocks on her door to tell her. It’s been gif’d a bunch and is a very popular post on here. Being clever (and selfish) he tells Ren there’s a program called “Adopt A Friend,” where you hang out with a needy young person for a day as some form of community service. Okay, I’m actually dying now that I have to write this out, oh my god. LOUIS!!!!!!! He tells her that Adrienne Dunmore is considering doing the non-existent program, which piques Ren’s interest. We get a voiceover of Louis telling her about Ernie, blatantly lying about the kind of guy he is. Using words like “nice, giving, helpful, and great!” This is juxtaposed against a montage of the real Ernie doing various things that are the complete opposite. He’s basically the worst kind of human. 

Cut to the mall now! Ren meets Ernie and wow he didn’t even try to look good.

I can tell ya one thing -- If this was The Bachelorette, Ernie Morton would not be receiving the First Impression Rose. 

For whatever reason, Ren treats him like a special needs child or something? Talking to him in simplified English, slowly and loud as if he’s deaf or has trouble understanding. Louis said he was NEEDY! Not impaired in some way! (Well, maybe socially impaired...) This bit is kinda funny but it’s also kinda like... Wut. Anyway, Ernie takes Louis aside and gushes about how he can’t believe he pulled off this date. He does this really creepy/annoying thing where he sticks his tongue out constantly and I hate it. Ew. 

But, yes. Ernie is under the impression it’s an actual date. He even says he’ll only give Louis the trading card after he gets his “goodbye kiss.” Problem, indeed.

Louis spends the rest of the mall sequence sneakily running around like a freaking stalker... hiding in plants and behind newspapers -- to make sure Ernie doesn’t try anything, and that no one from school sees Ren and Ernie together.

The worry in his eyes and lack of discreetness is making me laugh harder than anything else. 

Ren spends 4 hours with Ernie and actually ends up having an okay time. She genuinely thanks him for “a wonderful afternoon” after taking some photobooth pictures together -- and that’s apparently good enough for Ernie. He gives Louis the card!!! Louis is stoked, but then the remorse starts to seep in. (I love remorseful Louis, though. It helps gives him more dimension.) He notices Ren window shopping and staring at a pearl necklace ~longingly~ before they head home. 

Ren is super excited to turn in her hours at school (going above and beyond, writing an entire paper on her experience) only to discover there is no “Adopt A Friend” program. Yeah. I’d be pissed, too. Not only that, she finds out that Ernie has been telling the entire school that they’re dating. She lashes out at him in front of everyone saying she wouldn’t date him if he were the last guy on earth and storms off. A little harsh, but is it really? Ernie was way out of line spreading fake intimate stories and lies.

Ernie left in Ren’s dust, being made fun of.

This show has a lot of heart. You actually feel for Ernie here. But you also feel for Ren because she was played by Louis. But, you ALSO feel upset for Louis because he knows he f’d up. The conflicting emotions. That night, Ren is fuming after she figures everything out. Louis hides from her by hooking himself onto the back of his door. This is also a pretty popular/memorable scene. We get a micro-mini mirror talk here, as well! I love the Season 1 mirror talks honestly!!!

“Man. Tell 20 or 30 lies, and right away you’re a bad guy.”

Ren discovers where he’s hiding and we get a line that’s not exactly great, but was used on a lot of Disney Channel commercials back in the day. (“What are you doing back there?”/ “...Just hanging out.”) But a line I do like is when Ren asks “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOW MY FACE IN SCHOOL AGAIN, HUH?!” and Louis dryly responds “May I suggest plastic surgery?” 

After talking through the situation (the cover image of this post) we find out that Louis ended up trading in the Roaring Drycon card for money to get Ren the necklace she was looking at for her birthday. Awww. Ren loves it but hates the idea that he got the money from his scheme. She comes to terms with her own faults though when Louis makes her realize she only hung out with Ernie for selfish reasons. Can we also talk about Ren’s Y2K rubber band, pigtail hairstyle in this scene?! I 100% wore my hair exactly like this in elementary school -- with blue bands and everything, because I saw Ren Stevens wear her hair like that. Miranda Sanchez rocked this look too. Why was this style ever a thing? lol. Who came up with all of these crazy Early 2000s looks?! 

In the end, she turns around and gives Ernie the necklace. Apologizing & saying “This belongs to you.” Really??? WHAT A WASTE. At least keep the free necklace, Ren! Ernie and Ren makeup and he asks for a friend-to-friend hug. It’s kinda nice for a split second, but then we see his friends pop up and snap a photo of them ~embracing.~

AGAIN WITH THE TONGUE THING! What a creeper. x

This was a bit of a slow episode in retrospect. It’s super clear in my memory because Disney usually beats the first few episodes of a series into the ground. It’s a pretty safe and predictable plotline. Not a horrible episode, but definitely nothing too unbelievably special either. Not the greatest choice for a first episode, imo. Ren and Louis don’t really get to shine 100% and really flaunt that bickering sibling dynamic that the show is based on. It basically switches from Ren and Ernie sharing the screen, to Louis and Ernie sharing the screen. I mean, that sibling element is definitely there. But, you don’t really “get” that Louis and Ren are opposites always at odds. Louis just seems like a little brother who means well but messed things up for his sister, here. You also don’t really get to know anything about Louis as a character, his interest in comedy, or any of that. 

There aren’t a lot of laughs, either. But to be fair, it’s the first episode!!! Much like All About Yvette, the show obviously hasn’t really hit that signature Even Stevens stride! So, taking that into consideration.. It’s pretty solid and entertaining enough. I was going to rank it higher for the mere fact that it was the first episode to air and it isn’t totally bad, lol. But, I think I’m okay placing it here. Something else that’s a little “off” is that it’s missing that signature swing-jazz style music throughout the episode that’s so prevalent in others down the line. It uses mostly generic, quirky sitcom music. Another sign that it hasn’t found its place as a show just yet. 

This episode actually recently aired on Disney for their “Firsts on the First” marathon! They aired the first episodes of some of their most popular shows over the years to celebrate the New Year. Did anyone catch it? I did! I was actually home sick that night and it made my day so much better to see baby Shia’s face back on my television, honestly. 

Thanks for reading! How do you feel about this being the first episode ever? Chime in below as always.