#svt-write

1. denial

You sit on the edge of your made bed. You hope that if you sit still enough, time will pass you by. So you sit. Still. Hands folded. On the edge of your made bed. And suddenly the clock strikes midnight. And you’re still alone. You’re still sitting. Except now, your eyes feel dry and dead. Your limbs are closer to lead than flesh. And the memories of his venom seeps back into the vines of your mind.

but why?

Maybe because you loved coffee so damn much

It just hadn’t occurred to you that coffee, while being a mix of cream and sugar,

Was also a drug.

2. anger

Perhaps that night would’ve been very different if it hadn’t been for the way he hummed in your ear, that song you liked to hear. Perhaps if the moon hadn’t been so bright. Or if your chest wasn’t so tight. If the feeling of your head resting on his bare body hadn’t felt so right. Perhaps the night wouldn’t have ended with a shot to the leg and a stab to the arm. Excruciatingly painful, but not deadly. Or so you thought. Like you said, if it hadn’t been for a number of beautiful thoughts in the midst of the blue night at the horribly wrong time, maybe everything would’ve turned out alright.

But instead he cut the song you liked to hear short leaving you in a silence that felt more like sleep. And instead the night turned into a sort of hushed calamity when he clawed your fluttering eyes open with a familiar ‘I love you’ and an uncertain ‘we should get married’

But somewhere between the white sheets and fluffed pillows, somewhere between the lines of his voice you heard him bang at your heart with what that sounded like ‘I want a kid’

But the part where the night turned to shit laid in the fact that you didn’t

That night he tasted like a perfectly brewed cup of coffee

Yet when he slammed the door to your apartment shut, he reminded you that even the best coffee always tasted a little bitter

So he left you with a stab wound to the arm

But you couldn’t see the gun you were holding to his heart.

3. bargaining

And later that night, in the safety of your arms and in the blanket of the dark. He let tears fall from the depths of his eyes. You wished your kisses could calm his worries. You wished your love could stop his tears. You found yourself begging to some entity. They say messing with god is risky. But messing with the devil is pure insanity. You thought consoling the boy in front of you was worth any price. And with each cry that left his mouth, it seemed that a part of your heart came loose with the sound.

You heard the truth sink into his shaky voice, and reality hit the ends of his nerves

And because you knew how hard he worked and how much he cared

It hurt more when he said,

“Seokmin really called off the wedding.”  

Every cup of coffee came with a crash

That night must’ve been his.

4. depression

The first time you realized you loved him was when he took you back to that dumb field, despite you both hating it.

Except that he didn’t take you there for fun, but rather to plan Seokmin’s wedding.

And it was only when his brows furrowed at his notepad and when he muttered a frustrated ‘this is impossible,’ did you realize that the warm feeling pooling at the pit of your stomach whenever he was even in your presence could only be described as love.

But to you, the warm feeling was better defined by the arch of his cheeks and the dip in his shoulder. By the lines in his palms, that you absentmindedly traced when the stars threatened to hide behind the sun. By the tattoo on his neck. By the way his lips traced the outline of your body creating art that made you feel better than you were. By the way his eyes looked behind the circle frames he wore. By the way he whispered your name. By the way he remembered how you liked your coffee. By the way you found yourself craving him instead of your usual dose of caffeine.

So when he started whining about the flower arrangements and types of music, you just smiled at him and between his frustration you told him you loved him. And suddenly, to him, the flower arrangments seemed so simple. Later that night, when moonlight and lust danced in the ocean of his eyes, he said it back. And to you, it sounded like more of promise than a declaration

You just didn’t know of what.

He mumbled against your ear in a later night

That it was a promise of him

He hadn’t noticed that you never promised yourself back.

5. acceptance

You forgot to breathe when you see the boy you met at Seokmin’s party sitting at a desk in your office. He wore a white sweater and circle glasses, reminding you of a caramel latte, too sweet for its own good. He asked for your name, and when he whispered it back, he liked the way the word sounded, falling from the edge of his mouth. Seokmin returned then, stuttering something about tasting cakes for the wedding and offering you and Jeonghan to go to lunch together instead. You were about to say no before Jeonghan took your hand in his and lead you out the door.

You found you couldn’t help but smile,

He found he wanted to kiss the smile from your face.

He decided to ignore that thought for now.

You assumed the shiver that ran down your spine had something to do with the draft in the cafe,

But when he whispered your name again, you were proved wrong.

The knots in your stomach had everything to do with the beautiful boy in front of you.

0. moving on

You met him at Seokmin’s party in the field full of flowers and weeds. He reminded you of coffee. Dark and bitter yet warm and comforting. A tattoo of a flower on his neck peeked from the silk purple shirt that hung off his bones. You bonded over your shared dislike of having a party in the middle of a field.

He said his name was Jeonghan. You never told him yours.