#survivall

@survivall / jordan riley. ★ meme.

          STOP GOING EASY ON ME.  the words coil themselves around his ankle and jerk, dragging him right back to stanford, back to hitting a tennis ball to tashi wearing a knee brace. what, you scared you're gonna hurt me? pussy. he thinks about how that was a defining moment for him, how he wanted so badly to keep from hurting tashi that he decided that he would do whatever she needed him to do. if going easy on her hurt her more than the physical pain of her knee injury did, he would stop going easy on her. that really might have been one of the last times tashi had to ask him for something like that, had to ask him to adjust his actions for her sake. from that point on he just did his best to pay attention to her needs and take care of them. it really had been detrimental to the both of them, he realizes, that decision to be anything tashi needed him to be. he lost himself and she was never given the chance to mourn her tennis career. she was as hard on him as she would have been on herself. 

          art snaps back to the present and he's pulling a tennis ball from the pocket of his shorts and twirling his racket in his right hand. his eyes meet jordan's and what he sees isn't the anger that he'd seen in tashi's face when she said the same thing to him fifteen years ago; he sees a smile. his own lips pull upward on one side and he replies, "okay, okay. if you think you can handle it, i'll stop going easy on you."

@survivall / jordan riley. ★ meme.

          THE WAY JORDAN MAKES HIM FEEL IS DEVASTATING.  it tears at his insides, unearths parts of him that have been buried, and sometimes, just for a moment, almost makes him forget all about panic. she makes him feel like a teenage boy. she makes him want to be silly and brave trying to impress her. she makes him feel protective, like he would gladly sit behind bars to fuck up someone who hurt her. she makes him feel hopeful, like there might be something beyond all this. beyond carp, beyond panic, beyond making luke hall regret doing what he did to dayna. she makes him wish he could let go, but he can't. the one thing stronger than his feelings for jordan are his feelings about his sister. his dayna. guilt is always going to beat infatuation in a wrestling match. he wasn't even there but he still feels like somehow he should have kept her safe, like he could have stopped it from happening. he feels at fault for something that he knows he had nothing to do with, and if reason can't shake that feeling then what hope does a crush have?

          it scares him to get close to jordan because he's willing to do whatever it takes to win panic, and that means he has a good chance of hurting her.

          despite that she always makes him falter. she smiles at him and butterflies awaken in his stomach, distracting him from everything going on in his mind. when she's happy, he feels happy, and when she's sad... will you just hold me? dodge's heart sinks from his chest and lands with a thud at the bottom of his stomach. how is he supposed to say no to her? how could he? he worries for a moment about smelling bad, knowing that he'd been outside all day, but doesn't let that stop him from shifting closer to her and wrapping an arm around her. he doesn't think she'll care right now.

          WORKING WITH JORDAN IS ALMOST AGONIZING.  that word implies that there's something bad about it, and there is, but it's not because of anything jordan has done. she's pleasant, she's talkative, she's hard working. she's probably the best coworker he's had thus far who isn't his mom. the problem is that dodge, who had just gotten really comfortable at the diner, no longer knows how to act. somehow, even through the permeating smell of diner that clings to his clothes hours after he's left, he can catch the sweet scent of vanilla as she walks by. every time it happens dodge feels like an android whose wiring short circuits for a moment and he forgets what he's saying or what he's about to do. he's a little more comfortable with jordan there now that she's a few weeks in, able to recover quickly when being too close to her causes him to falter, but he still can't quite feel normal around her. he's not sure how he's supposed to. she's got the prettiest smile he's ever seen.

          it's a wednesday night and the diner is dead. the last people to come in were the shaws, a very picture-perfect family with a dad, a mom, a son, and a daughter, at 6:30. as perfect as their lives seemed, dodge knew better than to assume what went on behind closed doors. they ate dinner, had pleasant conversation, left jordan a $20 tip, and were on their way by 7:30. it's 8:17 now as dodge glances at the clock on the wall, and he lets out a bored sigh. if all he does is stand here, leaning on the bar, thinking... he's going to go insane. despite the tight feeling he gets in his chest when he tries to speak to jordan, he decides to try anyway.

          "so..." he starts, eyes moving from the clock to jordan, "are you going to play panic?" it's the first time he's ever brought it up to her, but they obviously both know about the game. they both put a dollar into the pot when ray comes around shaking everyone down for it; he's seen her do it. they're not supposed to talk about it, but no one is there to overhear them.

@survivall / jordan riley. ★ meme.

         THEY'RE OUTSIDE ON THE BALCONY OF OWEN'S DORM.  he's leaned over the railing on his arms, smoking a cigarette and occasionally flicking the ashes out into the wind to be carried away above the heads of other students. they've been sharing unpopular opinions with each other--- harry styles isn't hot, imagine dragons can only write one song, etc--- and until now it had been very lighthearted and more or less the opinions were agreed upon. this one, though, the one that jordan concludes is a comfortable hill to die on, is one that owen finds to be dangerous. when she finishes her statement he drops his cigarette unceremoniously into the ashtray on the small table beside him and spins to face her to back her into his room, shutting the door with his foot.

          "---you can't just say things like that outside where anyone could hear you, jordan," he tells her seriously, and then the left side of his mouth twitches upward toward becoming a barely contained smile. "you can't just say taylor swift is FINE. you could be assassinated. and then who would i talk to?"

@survivall / jordan riley. ★ meme.

          HE'S WORRIED ABOUT HER.  anyone would be. jordan has gone from being the most vibrant person owen knows to being the shadow that person casts. it's not like she's done so without incredibly good reason. truthfully if she went through the massacre and came out the other side of it the same person she was before, he'd still be worried. probably more so. as worried as he is, he doesn't want to push her to talk about it; forcing someone through processing a traumatic event does no good in helping them heal from it. he does, however, want her to know that she can talk to him about it. he can't possibly understand, but he's here. 

          "that's okay," he tells her, scooting along the edge of the bed until his leg touches hers and he can wrap one long arm around her to pull her in against his side. "you don't have to say anything. we can just sit here if you want." his cheek rests atop her head and he's silent for a beat. "or... we could watch america's next top model." 

on again, off again. commitment was not something bowie did well, nor was he in any mental shape to try and change that dangerously bad trait about himself. aware that it's their fault that this relationship ( if it can be called that ) with jordan was constantly in online articles and newsfeeds, with headlines wondering if they were actually dating or not, bowie wasn't sure if he was willing to change, or even if he wanted to. that being said, he did have more fun when the woman was around. bowie had arranged a date for them - dinner on a private yacht, complete with immaculate food from a personal chef, and as much champagne as they could drink - and was laying down, leaning her head on one arm, smiling sweetly up at jordan as they both ignored the boat filled with paparazzi that had followed them out onto the water. 'you look stunning as ever, darling,' bowie's tone is unusually genuine, which is something only jordan brought out in them. she offers jordan a chocolate covered strawberry. 'it's nice when it's just us, don't you think?' @survivall.

On the pitch, Jamie is as brave as can be. He's unafraid to face down a defender, or two, or three, on his own. He relishes the opportunity to go one-on-one with a keeper, to line up and look him in the eye and still get the ball past him and into the net. But off the pitch, Jamie is significantly more cowardly. "What... sort of leap of faith were you thinking, then...?" He's not about to take any risks that could leave him worse off than he is right now. He's quite happy with his life. "I mean, if it's a leap of faith for you, yeah, go for it. I'm all for leaping and faith."