Iāve always chosen school/career over my health. And Iāve suffered constantly for it.Ā
I think it has to do with the environment I was raised in. I was always a sick child, but even then, my parents demanded the best from me. They wanted straight As in 3rd grade, they wanted me to win all the awards, they wanted a perfect GPA. And when I got the praise and rewards from getting those things, I started to want them too.Ā
Then I went to a super competitive high-school where teachers purposefully made their classes much harder than the standard, a school where the kids would laugh at anyone who didnāt end up going to an Ivy League school. A school where getting a 33/36 on your ACT didnāt get youĀ āCongratulations!ā from your friends, it got you aĀ āDonāt worry youāll do better next time.āĀ
In highschool was also when my HS got really bad. But I was in denial. I was just like those other kids. I could compete with them. Even if I was studying for the AP chemistry test from a hospital room instead of the study group I was supposed to go to, I was still in the race. I thought I could still win.Ā
But I kept ignoring (or trying to forget) that I had something they didnāt. They could sit for hours on a couch without feeling discomfort. They didnāt have days where they couldnāt even cough without feeling jolts of pain shoot up their body. They didnāt have that constant panic in the ERānot because of the painful procedure you were about to undergo, but because they were missing a day of class.Ā Ā
Iāve been out of this race for a long time. But my dumbĀ āmust achieveā self had to keep running, even if I had lost a leg, couldnāt breathe, and felt like the world was collapsing on me.Ā
Because otherwise I would fall behind. Iād be alone.Ā
And what could be worse than going through this alone?