#supermodel sza

a temporary lover

Music is only the best that ever happened truly. With the copious emotional attachment that I have as a Pisces, I just think that there are some songs that are literally made to narrate my life in some way or another. 

So with that being said, here is the first post of the music series and how I feel about Supermodel. 

Supermodel came out in 2017 and around that time I just got into my first relationship ever. The relationship was a dream come true. I was dating my crush. I was young. It was amazing. Little did I know, there were some things that can make you feel like shit when you’re in a relationship. There was a friend of mine that out of the blue sent me this song and I remembered he said “You’ll Know what I mean,” AND I DID. This song really encapsulates what I was feeling then. 

The song didn’t 100% represent what was happening lyrically but the Insecurity and the ‘not feeling like you’re enough’ energy really did shine through and I felt all of it. 

The beginning of the song literally said 

“ That is my greatest fear That if, if I lost control Or did not have control Things would just, you know I would be fatal,” 

AND I FELT THAT. 

It was my first relationship and I didn’t understand the concept of boundaries and there were some things that happened ( nothing bad and completely harmless, now that I think about it now) that sparked up the jealousy inside of me and the doubt and I literally broke down. It was fatal. Everybody knew. I felt ashamed and for the first time, I really did feel like I was not enough. 

“ Leave me lonely for prettier women You know I need too much attention For shit like that” 

This part really just hits. While everybody knew, I wasn’t in the wrong, but I felt like well what’s the point if he didn’t see me. If I wasn’t the one on his Snap story. The first time I remembered literally comparing myself to another person just to see why. 

“ I could be your supermodel If you believe If you see it in me”

This was what my friend meant. I was trying to find validation. Doing things to make him think I was worth it. Not just in his eyes but his family, as their validation apparently mattered too for me. 

“ I don't see myself Why I can't stay alone just by myself? Wish I was comfortable just with myself But I need you “ 

This specific lyric, makes me realize how attached I am to him. Not only in the context of the 2017 story but literally throughout the years being with him. I remember when we had broken up once in 2019, I recited the lyrics as a self reflection and It brought me back to him. I realize the issue was not him messing with my independence but it was me being too attached. It was my anxious attachment style.