This can’t go on any longer. You know that it’s been enough, but the voices in your mind just won’t keep quiet. It’s impossible to ignore them, and it’s impossible to keep following their instructions. You are the happiest you’ve been in a long time as part of the deal, no responsibilities and no worries, but the pay to price is too big. Not for yourself, you’re ok with it, but you don’t think it is going to be good for your moirail ,or for anyone else in the long run.
You are alone in your bedroom, staring into your private bathroom’s mirror. Your white, blank eyes stare back at you from the crystal. There is nothing left of the red that once tinted them, it’s almost as if they had been drained of any emotion. The dead stare that your reflection gives you back confirms it; you’re starting to feel apathetic about the situation, almost if you were accepting it. but you can’t. For your sake, and for Ana’s sake, you can’t simply let the Elder Gods take reign over your body forever, even if your mind is still clear enough after you’ve complied with their requests.Â
As soon as the idea of breaking free from their control springs within your mind, the voices grow louder. “Kill them, kill them all right now” you hear, as you start to head towards the door. The closest people right now are Aranea and Ana, and your murder impulse is driving you right towards them.
You stop dead in your tracks, forcing your feet to stay still. No. No. No matter who or what is trying to force you to, you’re not about to go out there and assault your moirail. She trusts you. She’s here because she knows that you aren’t going to hurt her, and you’re going to force it to stay that way, even if it kills you.
And, while it doesn’t kill you, it does send a strong surge of pain through your body, making you drop to your knees. Your brain feels as if it is being electrocuted, with most of the nerves spread on your body send stabbing signals into your mind, trying to destroy and bend your will, trying to let them take over your body...
However, you’re strong. You’ve gone through things several times worse in the past, and physical pain pales in comparison. Your mind starts to drift off as flashbacks from the worst moments of your life are forced before your eyes... Having to break up with Jade
The video of Holly murdering Ana
Lucky dissapearing.
Falling apart with Mora
Feferi dissapearing.
Feferi going Grimdark, past your control.
Having been cheated by your former matesprit.
Having to break up with Kanaya.
Feferi rejecting you.
The solitude in the meteor.
Gamzee killing everyone.
Everything builds up in your mind until you can no longer think. Darkness consumes you, and you barely manage to stay conscious for a few moments, fighting back against the terrors in your mind, while your body shivers and squirms, curled up in the floor.
A ping echoes in the other side of the room, managing to pull you back into your senses. Desperate for a distraction, you try to find the source of the noise, until you realize that it is the low battery warning for your laptop. You stare at the screen for a few moments, realizing that it’s still on your inbox. You thought that you could do it, but in the end you didn’t. Jade’s poem sits on the top of the page, as if taunting you.
The voices in your mind let you know that they were all lies, that everything he had done was fake and that you couldn’t do anything to change it. You start scrolling down your inbox, as the whispers continue to tell you that no one considered you worth anything. Everyone had left you, and all that remained were the web of lies that they spread through your inbox.
Jade, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Kanaya, Feferi, Feferi again, Kanaya, and Feferi...
Soon you reach the long, hurtful message that Feferi once sent you when she rejected you. Her words were harsh, but you knew better. She was just trying to get you to forget her, but you couldn’t. Even if you didn’t love her that way anymore, she was still probably your best friend ever, and you couldn’t just let go of her.
Tears started to stream down your cheek and dripped down onto the floor, as you stared at your screen, the silence that now surrounded you making the splatter echo across the room. All of these people cared for you at some point, and even if now they were gone, they’d want you to remain strong.
You owed it to the people who cared for you now. Ana, Aranea. Your friends. Your Moirail.
That night, you slept after almost three weeks of not having done so. Once the morning arrived, you felt a lot better.
It was over, for the time being. You were back to normal.
