#supercommunicators

The old saw “never judge a book by its cover” is especially true when it comes to the self-help genre. Book jackets promise to reveal secrets, to unlock the mysteries of success, and to help leaders transform themselves into being exceptional, wealthy and wise. If only it were so. I sort self-help books into three categories. Those deemed useless you will never read about here. Sadly there are…

Supercommunicators: Unlocking the Secret Language of Connection

In a world where communication is everything, some people seem to have a magical ability to connect instantly, persuade effortlessly, and navigate difficult conversations with ease. These people aren’t just great talkers or charismatic leaders; they are what Charles Duhigg calls Supercommunicators. In Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, Duhigg dives deep into the science and psychology behind effective communication, uncovering what makes certain conversations truly transformative. This book isn’t just about speaking clearly—it’s about understanding the invisible rules that govern how we connect with others, whether in personal relationships, business meetings, or high-stakes negotiations.

The Amazon Book ➡️👉 https://amzn.to/3XBGXQe

The Three Types of Conversations

One of the key insights from Supercommunicators is that all conversations fall into one of three categories: practical conversations, emotional conversations, and social conversations. Practical conversations focus on exchanging information, such as discussing schedules, making plans, or clarifying facts. Emotional conversations revolve around feelings, seeking support, or expressing concerns. Social conversations define relationships, power dynamics, and group belonging. The problem is that most people fail to recognize which type of conversation they are in, leading to miscommunication and frustration. Supercommunicators, however, have mastered the art of identifying and shifting between these conversations, ensuring they connect with their audience in the most effective way.

The Power of Active Listening

Duhigg emphasizes that true communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s about listening with intent. Supercommunicators don’t just hear words; they decode emotions, unspoken messages, and underlying needs. They use techniques like mirroring (repeating or rephrasing what someone has said to show understanding), labeling emotions (acknowledging what the other person is feeling), and asking the right follow-up questions. This makes the other person feel heard and understood, which builds trust and strengthens relationships.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

One of the most valuable sections of the book focuses on handling tough conversations—whether it’s giving critical feedback, negotiating a deal, or addressing personal conflicts. Many people avoid difficult discussions because they fear confrontation or don’t know how to approach them effectively. Duhigg provides a step-by-step framework for staying calm, finding common ground, and turning confrontations into productive dialogues. Supercommunicators know that conflict isn’t something to be feared but an opportunity to deepen understanding and build stronger connections.

The Science of Persuasion

Why do some people seem to effortlessly influence others while others struggle to get their point across? Duhigg explores the psychology of persuasion and what makes certain arguments compelling. He draws on research from behavioral science, showing how framing messages in the right way—such as using storytelling, appealing to shared values, and emphasizing benefits over features—can make all the difference. Supercommunicators don’t rely on forceful arguments; they use empathy and strategic framing to guide others toward agreement.

The Role of Body Language and Nonverbal Cues

Words are only part of the equation. A significant portion of communication happens through body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Supercommunicators are keenly aware of these nonverbal signals and use them to reinforce their messages. They maintain eye contact, use open body language to appear approachable, and modulate their tone to match the emotional context of the conversation. They also read the nonverbal cues of others to gauge reactions and adjust their approach accordingly.

Building Deeper Connections

At its core, Supercommunicators is about more than just improving how we talk—it’s about creating meaningful relationships. Whether in personal life or professional settings, the ability to truly connect with others is what sets Supercommunicators apart. Duhigg shares stories of people who have transformed their careers and relationships simply by learning how to communicate better. From CEOs to therapists, politicians to negotiators, the most successful individuals all share one thing in common: they understand how to make others feel valued and understood.

Practical Takeaways

Throughout the book, Duhigg provides actionable strategies to help readers become Supercommunicators themselves. Some key takeaways include:

Identify the type of conversation you are having (practical, emotional, or social) and adjust your approach accordingly.

Listen actively by mirroring, labeling emotions, and asking clarifying questions.

Reframe difficult conversations as opportunities for deeper understanding rather than confrontations to be avoided.

Use storytelling and shared values to persuade and influence others more effectively.

Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues to strengthen your message and build trust.

Practice empathy in every interaction, making others feel truly heard and valued.

Why This Book Matters

In an era of digital distractions, social media debates, and increasing polarization, Supercommunicators is a must-read for anyone looking to improve their personal and professional relationships. Duhigg doesn’t just offer abstract theories—he provides real-world examples, scientific research, and actionable techniques that can be applied immediately. Whether you want to become a better leader, navigate tough conversations with ease, or simply deepen your connections with the people around you, this book offers the tools to transform the way you communicate.

To become a supercommunicator, all we need to do is listen closely to what’s said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and make our own feelings easy for others to perceive.

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Simplifying greatly, there are three kinds of conversation that dominate most discussions.

What’s This Really About?

How Do We Feel?

Who Are We?

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The first mindset—the decision-making mindset—is associated with the What’s This Really About? conversation.

It’s active whenever we’re thinking about practical matters, such as making choices or analyzing plans. When someone says, “What are we going to do about Sam’s grades?,” our brains’ frontal control network, the command center for our thoughts and actions, becomes active.

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The second mindset—the emotional mindset—emerges when we discuss How Do We Feel?

It draws on neural structures—the nucleus accumbens, the amygdala, and the hippocampus, among others—that help shape our beliefs, emotions, and memories. When we tell a funny story, or have an argument with our spouse, or experience a rush of pride or sorrow during a conversation, that’s the emotional mindset at work.

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The third conversational mindset—the social mindset—emerges when we discuss our relationships, how we are seen by others and see ourselves, and our social identities.

These are Who Are We? discussions. When we, for instance, gossip about office politics, or figure out the people we know in common, or explain how our religion or family background—or any other identity—influences us, we’re using our brain’s default mode network, which plays a role in how we think “about other people, oneself, and the relation of oneself to other people,” as the neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman wrote.

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Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. If you are speaking emotionally, while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages.

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Psychologists who study married couples, for instance, have found that the happiest spouses frequently mirror each other’s speaking styles. “The underlying mechanism that maintains closeness in marriage is symmetry,” one prominent researcher, John Gottman, wrote in the Journal of Communication.

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The next time you feel yourself edging toward an argument, try asking your partner:

“Do you want to talk about our emotions? Or do we need to make a decision together? Or is this about something else?”

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This insight—that communication comes from connection and alignment—is so fundamental that it has become known as the matching principle: Effective communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring, and then matching each other.

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On a very basic level, if someone seems emotional, allow yourself to become emotional as well. If someone is intent on decision making, match that focus. If they are preoccupied by social implications, reflect their fixation back to them.

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“I learned that if you listen for someone’s truth, and you put your truth next to it, you might reach them.”

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Supercommunicators tend to have a few behaviors in common. They are as interested in figuring out what kind of conversation everyone wants as the topics they hope to discuss. They ask more questions about others’ feelings and backgrounds. They talk about their own goals and emotions, and are quick to discuss their vulnerabilities, experiences, and the various identities they possess—and to ask others about

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They inquire how others see the world, prove they are listening, and share their own perspectives in return.

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The best communicators focus on four basic rules that create a learning conversation: Each of these rules will be explored in a series of guides throughout this book.

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if it’s an important conversation, taking a moment to formulate what we hope to say, and how we hope to say it, is a good idea. And then, during the discussion, try to observe your companions: Are they emotional? Do they seem practical minded? Do they keep bringing up other people or social topics?

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When a student comes to a teacher upset, for instance, the teacher might ask: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”

Some researchers call this process a quiet negotiation: A subtle give-and-take over which topics we’ll dive into and which we’ll skirt around; the rules for how we’ll speak and listen.

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The first goal of this negotiation is determining what everyone wants from a conversation. These desires are often revealed via a series of offers and counteroffers, invitations and refusals, that are nearly subconscious but expose if people are willing to play along. This back-and-forth can take just a few moments, or last as long as the conversation itself. And it serves a crucial purpose: To help us find a set of subjects that we are all willing to embrace.

The second goal in this negotiation is to figure out the rules for how we will speak, listen, and make decisions together. We don’t always explicitly state these rules aloud. Rather, we conduct experiments to see which norms will stick.

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Regardless of how this quiet negotiation unfolds, the goals are the same:

First, to decide what we all need from this conversation.

Second, to determine how we will speak and make decisions. Or, put differently, to figure out: What does everyone want? And how will we make choices together?

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The What’s This Really About? conversation

often emerges when we confront a decision. Sometimes, these decisions are about the conversation itself—Is it okay to openly disagree, or should we sugarcoat our differences? Is this a friendly chat or a serious talk?

Once we know what everyone wants from a conversation, and how we’ll make decisions together, a more meaningful dialogue can emerge.

The second part of the What’s This Really About? discussion is how will we make choices together?

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“If you want the other side to appreciate your interests,” Fisher wrote, “begin by demonstrating that you appreciate theirs.”

Listening, though, is just the first step. The next task is addressing the second question inherent in a What’s This Really About? conversation: How will we make decisions together? What are the rules for this dialogue?

The best way to figure out those rules is by testing out various conversational approaches, and seeing how others react.

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For instance, negotiators often conduct experiments—first I’ll interrupt you, and then I’ll be polite, and then I’ll bring up a new topic or make an unexpected concession, and watch what you do—until everyone decides, together, which norms are accepted, and how this conversation should unfold.

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The difference between the practical logic of costs and benefits and the empathetic logic of similarities

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The first step of a quiet negotiation is figuring out what people want from a conversation. The second step is determining how we’re going to make choices together—and that means deciding if this is a rational conversation or an empathetic one. Are we going to make decisions through analysis and reason, or through empathy and narratives?

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We achieve this in four ways: By preparing ourselves before a conversation; by asking questions; by noticing clues during a conversation; and by experimenting and adding items to the table.

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Simply preparing a list, researchers found, made conversations go better. There were fewer awkward pauses, less anxiety, and, afterward, people said they felt more engaged. So, in the moments before a conversation starts, it’s useful to describe for yourself:

What are two topics you might discuss? (Being general is okay: Last night’s game and TV shows you like)

What is one thing you hope to say?

What is one question you will ask?

Once this exercise becomes second nature—and it quickly will—you can make your preparation even more robust: What are two topics you most want to discuss? What is one thing you hope to say that shows what you want to talk about? What is one question you will ask that reveals what others want?

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Open-ended questions are easy to find, if you focus on:

Asking about someone’s beliefs or values (“How’d you decide to become a teacher?”)

Asking someone to make a judgment (“Are you glad you went to law school?”)

Asking about someone’s experiences (“What was it like to visit Europe?”)

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We need to train ourselves to notice what might go unsaid. Some important things to pay attention to: Do your companions lean toward you, make eye contact, smile, backchannel (“Interesting,” “Hmm”), or interrupt? Those are signals they want to accept your invitation. (Interruptions, contrary to expectations, usually mean people want to add something.) Do they become quiet, their expressions passive, their eyes fixed somewhere besides your face? Do they seem overly contemplative? Do they take in your comments without adding thoughts of their own? People often misperceive these responses as listening. But they usually aren’t.

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When someone declines our invitation, we might feel stuck. At such moments, it’s useful to remember the lesson of interest-based bargaining: Get creative. Start experimenting with new topics

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We can figure out which new topics and approaches might be fruitful by paying attention to:

Has someone told a story or made a joke? If so, they might be in an empathetic logic of similarities mindset. In this mindset, people aren’t looking to debate or analyze choices; they want to share, relate, and empathize.

Or are they talking about plans and decisions, or evaluating options? Have they brought up politics or finances or choosing a place for next year’s vacation? (“Is Maine or Florida better in June?”) If so, they might be in a more practical logic of costs and benefits mindset, and you’re better off getting analytical yourself.

Listen for attempts to change the topic. People tell us what they want to discuss through their non sequiturs, asides, and sudden shifts—or, put differently, through the experiments they conduct.

If someone asks the same question in different ways, or if they abruptly introduce a new subject, it’s a sign they want to add something to the table and we’d be wise to let them proceed. Finally, experiment. Tell a joke. Ask an unexpected question. Introduce a new idea. Try interrupting, and then not interrupting. Watch to see if your companions play along. If they do, they’re hinting at how they want to make decisions together, the rules and norms they accept. They are signaling how they’d like this conversation to unfold.

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As an adult, Epley wondered if the psychology textbooks had it wrong. Perhaps the correct approach wasn’t trying to put yourself in “someone else’s shoes.” That, after all, was impossible. Rather, maybe the best you can do is ask questions. Ask about people’s lives, about what they’re feeling, about their hopes and fears, and then listen for their struggles, disappointments, joys, and ambitions.

“When you describe how you feel, you’re giving someone a map of the things you care about,” Epley said.

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Perhaps, instead of perspective taking, we ought to be focused on perspective getting, on asking people to describe their inner lives, their values and beliefs and feelings, the things they care about most.

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But which questions were the right ones?

one method the Arons tested that could reliably help strangers form a connection: A series of thirty-six questions that, as Elaine and Arthur Aron later wrote, elicited “sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.” These questions eventually became known as the Fast Friends Procedure, and grew famous among sociologists, psychologists, and readers of articles with headlines such as “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.”

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Emotional contagion must be triggered by something, and one of the most reliable triggers is vulnerability. We become more prone to emotional contagion when we hear someone else express—or when we reveal our own—deeply held beliefs and values, or when we describe past experiences that were meaningful to us, or when we expose something else that opens us to others’ judgments.

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We become more susceptible to emotional contagion, and more emotionally contagious ourselves, when we share something that feels raw, something that another person might judge.

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To get deep, we have to make an offering of our vulnerability.

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Asking deep questions about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences creates vulnerability. That vulnerability triggers emotional contagion. And that, in turn, helps us connect.

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The matching principle—which says that communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring, and then matching it—at work. These thirty-six questions are effective because they help people match each other emotionally, and going back and forth encourages everyone to offer, and then reciprocate, vulnerability.

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If you want to connect with someone, ask them what they are feeling, and then reveal your own emotions.

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The How Do We Feel? conversation is a tool that functions by inviting others to reveal their vulnerabilities, and then being vulnerable in return.

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if you want to have a successful conversation with someone, you don’t have to ask them about their worst memories or how they prepare for telephone calls. You just have to ask them to describe how they feel about their life—rather than the facts of their life—and then ask lots of follow-ups.

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This is how to ask emotional questions in the real world: Ask someone how they feel about something, and then follow up with questions that reveal how you feel.

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Pennsylvania, Emory, and elsewhere have found that people who ask lots of questions during conversations—particularly questions that invite vulnerable responses—are more popular among their peers and more often seen as leaders. They have more social influence and are sought out more frequently for friendship and advice.

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“It is easier to judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers,” the nineteenth-century thinker Pierre-Marc-Gaston de Lévis wrote.

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Noticing mood and energy allows us to immediately determine whether we should flee or stay, if they’re a potential friend or foe. That’s useful when, say, we’re trying to decide if a stranger is lost and frustrated and needs our help, or is angry and unstable and likely to turn their fury on us.

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They need to match our arousal and valence.

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One of the reasons supercommunicators are so talented at picking up on how others feel is because they have a habit of noticing the energy in others’ gestures, the volume of their voices, how fast they are speaking, their cadence and affect. They pay attention to whether someone’s posture indicates they are feeling down, or if they are so excited they can barely contain it. Supercommunicators allow themselves to match that energy and mood, or at least acknowledge it, and thereby make it clear they want to align.

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instead of trying to decipher specific emotions, pay attention to someone’s mood (Do they seem negative or positive?) and their energy level (Are they high energy or low energy?). Then, focus on matching those two attributes—or, if matching will only exacerbate tensions, show that you hear their emotions by acknowledging how they feel. Make it obvious you are working to understand their emotions. And when you, yourself, are expressing your own emotions, notice how others are responding. Are they trying to align with your energy and mood?

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When we match or acknowledge another person’s mood and energy, we show them that we want to understand their emotional life. It’s a form of generosity that becomes empathy. It makes it easier to discuss How Do We Feel?

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She had assumed that the goal of discussing a conflict and engaging in debate was achieving victory, defeating the other side. But that’s not right. Rather, the real goal is figuring out why a conflict exists in the first place.

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Combatants—be they arguing spouses or battling coworkers—have to determine why this fight has emerged and what is fueling it, as well as the stories they are all telling themselves about why this conflict persists.

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They need to work together to determine if there are any “zones of possible agreement,” and have to arrive at a mutual understanding about why this dispute matters, and what’s needed for it to end. This kind of understanding, alone, won’t guarantee peace. But without it, peace is impossible.

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The first step is recognizing that within each fight is not just one conflict, but, at a minimum, two: There’s the surface issue causing us to disagree with each other, and then the emotional conflict underneath.

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So if a listener wants to prove they’re listening, they need to demonstrate it after the speaker finishes talking. If we want to show someone we’re paying attention, we need to prove, once that person has stopped speaking, that we have absorbed what they said. And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right.

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It’s a fairly simple technique—prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back what you just heard, and then seeking confirmation you understand—but studies show it is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them. It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding.

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“What I hear you saying,” said a woman ...

“Thank you for hearing me.”

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Preston later told me this was one of the most meaningful conversations of his life, even though it happened with someone who was essentially a stranger and with whom he disagreed ideologically in nearly every way.

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"Did I get that right?”

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We all crave control, of course.

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... whether the relationship makes us feel more in control of our happiness, or less.

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... why some marriages succeed while others stumble. But if, during moments of tension, we focus on things we can control together, conflicts are less likely to emerge. If we focus on controlling ourselves, our environment, and the conflict itself, then a fight often morphs into a conversation, where the goal is understanding, rather than winning points or wounding our foes.

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This is also why the matching principle is so effective: When we follow someone else’s lead and become emotional when they are emotional, or practical when they have signaled a practical mindset, we are sharing control over how a dialogue flows.

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bringing emotions to the surface, which is the third rule of a learning conversation.

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There is a moment, in many conversations, when someone says something emotional, or we reveal our own feelings, or we want to understand why we keep fighting, or we hope to get closer to someone who feels distant. That is when a How Do We Feel? conversation might begin, if we allow it to.

One of the best ways to start is to ask a deep question.

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The desire for belonging is at the core of the Who Are We? conversation,

which occurs whenever we talk about our connections within society. When we discuss the latest organizational gossip (“I hear everyone in accounting is going to get laid off”) or signal an affiliation (“We’re Knicks fans in this family”) or figure out social linkages (“You went to Berkeley? Do you know Troy?”) or emphasize social dissimilarities (“As a Black woman, I see this differently than you”), we’re engaging in a Who Are We? conversation.

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When we discover overlapping social identities, we’re more prone to connect.

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It’s crucial, in a Who Are We? conversation, to remind ourselves that we all possess multiple identities: We are parents but also siblings; experts in some topics and novices in others; friends and coworkers and people who love dogs but hate to jog. We are all of these simultaneously, so no one stereotype describes us fully. We all contain multitudes that are just waiting to be expressed.

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This means that a Who Are We? discussion might need to be more meandering and exploratory. Or it might need to go deep and invite others to talk about where they come from, how they see themselves, how the prejudices they confront—racism, sexism, the expectations of parents and communities—have impacted their lives.

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“We can make the bad voices in our head less powerful by remembering all the other voices in there, too.”

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In a Who Are We? conversation, invite people to talk about their backgrounds, allegiances, how their communities have shaped them. (“Where are you from? Oh, really? What was it like growing up there?”) Then, reciprocate by describing how you see yourself. (“You know, as a southerner, I think that…”)

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for a successful Who Are We? conversation:

First, try to draw out your conversational partners’ multiple identities. It’s important to remind everyone that we all contain multitudes; none of us is one-dimensional. Acknowledging those complexities during a conversation helps disrupt the stereotypes within our heads.

Second, try to ensure everyone is on equal footing. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or trumpet your wealth or connections. Seek out topics where everyone has some experience and knowledge, or everyone is a novice. Encourage the quiet to speak and the talkative to listen, so everyone is participating.

Finally, look for social similarities that already exist. We do this naturally when we meet someone new and start searching for people we know in common. But it is important to take those connections a step further and make our commonalities more salient. Our similarities become powerful when they are rooted in something meaningful: We may both be friends with Jim, but that’s not much of a connection—until we start talking about what his friendship means to us, how Jim is an important part of both our lives. We may all be Lakers fans, but that only becomes powerful when we share what it felt like, for each of us, to go to games with our parents and watch Magic score, how we share the memory of that thrill.

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There was one behavior, in particular, that consistently made people uncomfortable and upset: If a speaker said something that lumped a listener into a group against her or his will, the discussion would likely go south.

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identity threat, and it is deeply corrosive to communication. “When someone says you don’t belong, or they put you in a group you don’t appreciate, it can cause extreme psychological discomfort,”

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So it is important that we are mindful of the last rule for a learning conversation. This rule tells us to consider our actions during three distinct periods: before a discussion, at the beginning of the discussion, and as the discussion unfolds.

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The most important variable in determining whether someone ended up happy and healthy, or miserable and sick, was “how satisfied they were in their relationships,” one researcher wrote.

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