@sunsmitten said: He doesn't know if Xi's awake, but the chance that he is doesn't stop Aleksy from grazing his fingertips over the build of his cheek, from brushing Xi's bangs from his face and behind his ear. "You are worth so much to me."
there are nights when xi wants to keep himself shut in and isolated from the rest of the world, from others, and there are nights when he’d rather die than hunker down and face his demons alone. this night is one of the latter.
he’s still mortified by the way he exploded earlier in the evening, and the look in aleksy’s eyes thereafter, like he wasn’t sure whether to be afraid of him or feel sorry for him ( xi isn’t sure which he’d prefer. he’d rather aleksy feel neither of them, at all. ) he’s haunted by the tears that came pouring as soon as aleksy touched him and told him he was okay, it’d all be okay. it wouldn’t. he told him that, it wouldn’t. and aleksy had replied, i know, i’m sorry, i love you, and xi cried until he felt exhausted by the everything of it all.
the ticking clock on his nightstand and the steady beat of aleksy’s heart are the only consistency xi has to latch onto in the sea of self-loathing thoughts that keep him awake. he hears how pathetic he is in thousands of different voices --- in his father’s, his brother’s, his own. he hears them call him a failure, a burden, a disappointment. he hears them blame him for things he cannot control and even some of the things he can, and those jabs sting the hardest, like lemon juice on a fresh wound. but he doesn’t hear them from aleksy. not once.
xi musters all 250 pounds of his strength to turn his head into aleksy’s hand, nuzzling into the warmth he knows is there. one day, aleksy will realize that xi doesn’t deserve him. one day, he’ll find a good guy who is smart and well-spoken and every bit as beautiful as he is to sweep him off his feet and give him a life that’s meaningful, a life that’s free.
for now, he pretends to believe him when he says that xi is worthy. xi loves him too much to let go.