Jun 30
Enjoy sumsum while I trauma dumb in the rags
#trying to figure out which part of me *missed* my dad#which btw saying *my dad* is disgusting but it feels necessary in this moment#during waking hours I never. ever. ever have positive feelings#but sometimes I’ll dream and I guess I’m reliving the feelings of childhood? where I feel bad for him? and then as I wake up I remember#he’s dead and I’m like…oh yeah lol#last night it almost felt like as I woke up I was thinking about reconciliation#which is confusing to me. like what fucked up part of me is feeling that way?!?!?? stop it!!!#and every dream I’m literally trying to convince people he’s a bad person. every dream I’m like *hey! so he did x y z why are you acting#like he’s a wonderful person?!* i dont know. I have 0 good memories from him. like it’s not complicated. I’m not torn because he once showd#me love and kindness or whatever. there were no good moments. no pure moments. no un corrupted moments. they were all fueled by fear#and soft moment (which I have 0 memory of if they even exist) was a manipulation. snd even as a 5 yo i felt that and i knew that#i may be stupid but I wasn’t born dumb when it. one to people’s energies. I might struggle to listen to my intuition but I always know.#anyways I’ve run out of steam to rant#personal#fur babies#summer#sumsum
