#sukblogs

So as some of you know, I was gonna partake in the shounen JUMP contest. I learned a lot from the JUMP contest. In the end, my body gave out last minute and I couldn't finish in time. I had pushed myself physically to the point of vomiting and having the worst anxiety/panic attack I ever felt. I had never vomited from stress before. I had to constantly beat my chest so I don’t have an actual heart attack. I hadn't eaten for about a week (properly mind you, i don’t think cereal counts) I'm still actually recovering, as its hard to really eat anything right now and every now and then I feel like vomiting. Even writing or thinking about this has me...on edge. I want to vomit over and over, and I’ve been gagging so much. I learned that I do in fact have a physically body limit now. YEARS of overwork and finally I had reached that point. I was fine mentally, but physically is where it gave out. It the worst experience. I was good mentally! I could do it! But it took a hell of a toll on my body that is still in affect...

I learned that I can do anything tho, when it comes to drawing. I can do paneling, I can do expressions, I can do fight scenes. I can do comedy. I can do plot explanations, I can do toning and inking in a snap. I could also actually be able to do weekly chapter updates; as I finished the number of pages needed for a weekly updated in like...half the time! Its just the fact that the one-shot was around 50 pages, not weekly 18-24.

I finally...learned that I CAN

I know that its common knowledge to artist that you should never overwork. That breaks are just as important as work. However, I also know myself. I’m a stubborn person when it comes to my art, bc I feel I will never have enough time. So I work. Its no secret that I’m a workaholic. I always draw, even if I never post. Always always always always ALWAYS! 

It’s just this time, I had reached my limit. My body finally...finally after so long, gave out. 

I really wanted 2018 to start off on a good note; a good praise by Masashi Kishimoto himself. But at the same time; I think that this way is better. Accepting not defeat or failure, but a loss. Losing now doesn't mean I didn't give up. It’s one loss, not the end.

I came back from vomiting and went right back to work. I worked until the very last second, and even then I continued to work to see my sleep limit bc I hadn't reached that yet.

I hadn’t given up, but I didn't get to my goal this time. THIS time. Only one time, I will continue. Losing now doesn’t mean I will forever.  This is probably better for me, then it is getting praise. If that makes sense?

When Naruto fell, he kept getting up. It was the failure and getting up that made him stronger. And I'd like to think, that if I could tell Kishimoto this; that he would tell me that its alright and to keep trying. I'm a young artist who needs to keep going.

So I'm determined to make 2018 a year full of improvement and learning to better myself in my art and in my body.

I have a ton of projects ready to go and I'm excited to do them! But this time, I won't overwork //too// much. Again, no secret that I'm a workaholic. Its something I can't help. I love to work! I do!   

But getting better at it is the first step. Learning is the first step. 

I will continue to fight, but in a different way.