Date: Timeless (I’m not writing these again)

Oh it’s you. What do you want? Tarotscopes? Well I can’t promise that it’ll be any good. Take what resonates. And also take what doesn’t resonate. Take it all!

Right, here we go…

For the collective:

When it is REALLY cold, go outside and ride a white horse. It must be white…with pink hair and a single horn. Yes, it must be a unicorn. Go and ride a unicorn. Tell everyone to come and watch. No-one will come though. Anyway, ride the unicorn until it’s tired or it disappears in a burst of glitter. It will be an experience you’ll never forget.

Based on: Two tarot cards I pulled. Mind your business.

For each zodiac sign:

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Your toothbrush is plotting against you. Keep a close eye on it during full moons. This week, you’ll develop an irrational fear of oranges, but only on Tuesdays. By Thursday, you'll have the sudden urge to collect spoons. Go with it. Spoon wisdom will guide you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): A pigeon in your area knows something you don't. Make peace with the idea that your left sock will always vanish under mysterious circumstances. Avoid shopping for watermelons; they might start whispering secrets to you, and trust me, you're not ready for that.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Good news: your plants have begun a secret society. Bad news: they’ve elected your least favourite cactus as president. You’ll find a surprise fortune in the lint trap of your dryer. Pay attention to doorbells — they hold the key to your future, but only when rung backwards.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The stars suggest you should learn how to juggle, but not with balls. Preferably flamingos. You’ll discover that traffic cones are actually portals to another dimension, but only if you wear mismatched shoes. Your next great adventure involves a packet of crisps and a highly suspicious goat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week, you’ll realise your charisma works best on houseplants and kitchen appliances. Practice your speeches in front of a blender; it’s an excellent listener. Avoid mirrors on Wednesdays. Not for any particular reason, it’s just a good way to stay mysterious.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): The universe demands you alphabetise your thoughts, but in reverse order. That stray piece of pasta you’ll find in your shoe tomorrow is a sign of great fortune. By Saturday, you will invent a new form of dance that involves aggressively folding towels. Prepare for fame.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Your charm will reach new heights, especially when speaking to pigeons. Beware of rubber ducks — their cheerful demeanour hides dark secrets. You will receive a cryptic message from a squirrel, but it will only make sense if you wear a hat made of spaghetti.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): You will soon develop a deep emotional bond with a jar of pickles. Trust your intuition when it tells you to whisper motivational quotes to your shoes. By Friday, your refrigerator may start offering unsolicited advice — consider taking it seriously.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Your life will be forever changed by a surprising revelation about pineapples. Avoid looking directly at lamp posts — they know too much. You will develop an inexplicable need to sing to your cereal every morning. The stars approve.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Your week will be filled with unexpected adventures, mostly involving rubber bands and marshmallows. The position of the planets suggests you should avoid escalators at all costs; they’re out to get you. On Friday, a rogue pigeon will lead you to a treasure map — trust the process.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): A cloud shaped like a giraffe will reveal your destiny. Take it seriously. You will experience a life-altering moment involving a paperclip and a mysteriously appearing gnome. Stock up on glitter — it will be useful in ways you can’t yet imagine.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your future is directly tied to the outcome of a staring contest with your reflection. Avoid all contact with sponges, unless they’re wearing hats. You’ll find wisdom in the most unexpected place — the bottom of a soup bowl. Beware of an overly talkative toaster.