#substance please

The crap thing about becoming successful and/or genuine with a certain type of subgenre, whether it’s pop punk, post hardcore, or metalcore, is that, soon after, a lot of lyrically and musically inferior bands come out to cash in on the trend. 

Enter Makeout from Rhode Island. Formed out of the ashes of generic but musically superior post hardcore band Like Monroe, it makes sense that they’ve written with 5SOS’ Ashton Irwin and Calum Hood as Makeout sounds like a 5SOS ripoff that’s trying to be edgier. The key word is “trying”. They're about as edgy as a 13-year-old wearing eyeliner, listening to Brand New, and claiming “It’s not a phase, Mom!” 

Take the song “Secrets”. One of three singles from upcoming album “The Good Life”, there’s little to like about it other than an oddly specific but creative insult that says: “go choke on a hot dog from 7-11”. I love a good angry song as much as the next person but I can think of four songs off the top of my head that are lyrically and musically more creative than the tripe that this song is. 

The aforementioned Brand New has one of my favorites called “Seventy Times 7”, I Prevail has “Already Dead”, and Set It Off has both “Hypnotized” and “Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing”, “Seventy” has so many “holy shit, did he really just say that?” moments that you have to listen to the song 3 more times just to get the full effect. Some of my favorites include “So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die” and “So, is that what you call a getaway?/Tell me what you got away with/Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish/I've seen more guts in 11-year-old kids/Have another drink and drive yourself home/I hope there's ice on all the roads/And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt/And again when your head goes through the windshield/And is that what you call tact?/You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back/So let's end this call, and end this conversation...” 

The lyrics are also self-aware: “As if it happening wasn’t enough, I gotta go and write a song to remind myself how bad it sucked”. 

There isn’t a smidge of self-awareness to find anywhere in any of the stuff I’ve heard so far from Makeout. 

“Already Dead”, “Hypnotized”, and “Wolf in...” are bound to make the listener say, “well, damn, who pissed y’all off?” with lyrics like “I’d pull the trigger but you’re already dead/if I could bring you back to life/I’d kill you again” and “Wanna add a habit and light about 30 cigarettes? (You should)/You’re only mad about the fact that I put a light to you/basically tracing paper when all we see is right through you!” and finally, “If I could kill you, I would, but it’s illegal in all 50 states. Having said that, burn. in. HELL.” 

The music in these songs also creates a foreboding atmosphere what with the hammering drums, angry vocals, and dark sounding guitars. 

“Secrets” is so inexcusably juvenile that you’d think a group of 12-15 year olds wrote it, but no, the members of Makeout are 20+. In other words, they’re old enough to know better and should know better, especially with such big names as super producer John Feldmann and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker working with them. There’s nothing musically enjoyable about it either as it’s acoustic strumming with no variation during the whole song.  The cringefest continues for two more minutes after the hot dog line with lyrics like “...’all the money I spent on Sephora while I was on tour and you were with Kevin No more Nobu on my bill, you broke bitch” and “You blew it with your bullshit, you fucking whore/And every time I think of you I'm sick/And I bet you still think that you're the shit”. This is insultingly bad writing and it makes me angry that they exploit every bad millennial stereotype in order to be relatable: “I stayed awake watching porn on my iPhone/It's almost like I don't need you/I wish I knew it was easy as this then it wouldn't have taken me this long to leave you/Postmates me some sushi almost got me feeling human/Sugar daddy, I bet you already got a new one/I'm a do my best to make sure your life stay in ruins/And everybody knows that you're a bitch, say I won't do it.” 

This exploitation continues if you take a look at the track list for “The Good Life”: 

1. Childish 

2 Crazy

3 Lisa 

4 Ride It Out 

5 Open Minded 

6 You Can't Blame Me 

7 Clockwork 

8 Till We're Gone 

9 Salt Lake City Lyrics

10 Secrets

11 Where's My Charger 

12 Blast Off 

Their first single, “Crazy”, came to my attention when it was on my Spotify playlist, Release Radar. It’s also the only one of Makeout’s singles that won’t have you scrambling for the skip button. It’s catchy and bouncy enough to jam to if you don’t listen to the lyrics too closely. There are less cringe moments than on “Secrets”, but there’s still at least two: “You’ll be out all night then you sleep all day/Gettin' way too high, but I’m fuckin' with it anyway/Maxin’ out my cards when I just got paid/Went and crashed my car/It’s the same shit just a different day!” and “Every time you’re sexin’ me/Feel like I’m about to lose it girl you’re fuckin’ deadly...” 

“Ride It Out” is as generic as it gets when it comes to songs about dysfunctional relationships: backing vocals crooning “whoa-oh-oh”, slow, major chord opening, and equally as generic lyrics. 

Says the chorus: “Don't let this burn out/just leave your guard down Cause when I dream about you here I wanna ride it out (ride it out)/Know when you fall down/I'll have my arms out/’Cause when you're lying next to me I wanna ride it out (ride it out)...” So romantic. Every girl’s or guy’s dream words (said with extreme sarcasm): “This is basically a shitty situation but I’m too stubborn to let it go.” 

The song continues with this: “Breathe you in/The nights we shared I'd like to live again/Seemed like seconds that would never end/Can we pretend?” 

The listener is then treated to another unbelievably juvenile lyric: “Stop the clock/Draw our futures in the pavement chalk/Stretch the moments when we lock our eyes/And feel the light again...” The second and third graders I work with LOVE pavement chalk. i think that says everything. In somewhat related and hilariously ironic news, their Genius lyrics page doesn’t have a picture of the band, just a silhouette of a baby crawling on the floor. 

If you think I’m being too harsh, listen to these train wrecks for yourself and let me know: 

“Secrets” 

“Crazy” 

“Ride It Out”