#subsolanus

                                        YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY BIG BROTHER WORRIED SO WHEN YOU LOCKED YOURSELF ALONE. HE WAS ALWAYS ALONE. WHAT WAS SO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU WERE? PERHAPS IT WAS BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T SEE THAT BEING ALONE LEFT YOU UNPREPARED FOR FEELING ATTACHMENT. ILL-EQUIPPED FOR THE DAY YOU FOUND A REASON TO LET SOMEONE INTO YOUR SOLITUDE.

                                         YOU WERE ALWAYS THE EMOTIONAL ONE, SHERLOCK. YOU NEVER KNEW HOW TO FEEL HAPPY OR SAD — YOU WERE NEARLY MANIC WITH EUPHORIA OR DEPRESSED & DREAMING FOR DEATH. YOU DID NOT GET ANGRY; YOU BECAME MURDEROUS. YOU DID NOT FEEL LOVE; BUT OBSESSION. YOU ARE OVERWHELMED BY THESE; EMOTIONS WITHOUT PURPOSE. SO YOU TURN THEM OFF, OR AT LEAST YOU TRIED. BRAND YOURSELF UNFEELING & FIND SAFETY IN SOLITUDE.

                                         THEN HE CAME INTO YOUR WORLD; HE LOOKED AT YOU LIKE NO ONE EVER HAD. LIKE YOU WEREN’T A FREAK. LIKE YOU WERE ETHEREAL. YOU BECAME ADDICTED. YET OF COURSE, SUCH A PRECIOUS THING IS FRAGILE. IT'S WILD & IN NEED OF TEMPERING. YOU ARE NOT PATIENT BUT FOR HIM YOU TAKE YOUR TIME. SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT CANNOT BE RUSHED. CAREFULLY BEND TO AVOID A BREAK. HE IS ATTRACTED TO DANGER; & YOU ARE OFTEN THE MOST DANGEROUS THING IN THE ROOM. HE IS ACCLIMATISED TO BOMBS & EXPLOSIONS; DOES HE KNOW THAT HE NOW LIVES WITH ONE SO VOLATILE?

                                         HE NEEDS YOU, HE IS YOURS. WHAT FRIGHTENS YOU THOUGH IS THAT YOU NEED HIM TOO. PERHAPS YOU SCRATCH, YELL & BLEED OVER HIM BECAUSE WHAT YOU WANT IS TO BE HIS. A FEELING OF BELONGING THAT FEELS LOST TO YOU BUT YOU DON’T REMEMBER HAVING. YOU DIG YOUR NAILS IN, CLENCH YOUR TEETH — FIGHTING TO HOLD ONTO THE ONE THING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE; THE THING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL POWERFUL & VULNERABLE. MORE THAN THE FREAK YOU ARE; BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. CHRISTENED AS SUCH IN YOUR YOUTH. UNNATURAL; & MAYBE YOU ARE BUT IN HIS EYES YOU ARE NOT INFERIOR. YOU ARE TALL, COMMANDING, SUPERIOR. IT’S A HIGH YOU NEVER KNEW BEFORE & IT CONSUMES YOUR SENSES. YOU NEED HIM TO FEEL THAT WAY — & NEEDING HIM IN RETURN IS TERRIFYING. YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOSE.

                                         WHERE DID THIS MONSTER INSIDE YOU CREEP FROM? THE VILE WRETCHED THING THAT CONSUMES YOU & FEELS LIKE A SECOND SKIN? YOUR BROTHER ECHOES WORDS; DESPERATELY PLEADING WITH YOU TO STOP YOUR MADNESS — ( IS IT TRULY MADNESS IF YOU ARE BOTH INSANE? ) — & SEE REASON. THE EAST WIND IS COMING FOR THE UNWORTHY & UNJUST. REDBEARD. PERHAPS YOU WERE CLOSE TO FIGURING IT OUT; & PERHAPS YOUR DEAR ONE WAS PUSHING YOU A BIT TOO FAR ONE DAY — BUT YOUR MEMORIES ARE TRIGGERED & THEY TEAR YOU APART. THE QUEEN IN THE CHILD’S BODY. THE ONE WHO LOVED YOU & CALLED YOU HER FAVOURITE. YOUR LOST SISTER. THIS IS HOW YOU CAN ANTICIPATE YOUR DEAR ONE’S ACTIONS, HOW YOU KNOW THE WORDS TO GET INSIDE HIS HEAD & PLANT THE THOUGHTS YOU WANT THERE. HE IS YOURS; BUT YOU ONCE BELONGED TO HER. YOUR LOST BELONGING — BUT WITH HER COME THE MEMORIES OF YOUR OWN MISBEHAVIOUR.

                                         SISTER, OH SISTER — YOU BEG AT HER FEET FOR HER FORGIVENESS. REDBEARD, A MISTAKE YOU CANNOT MAKE AGAIN — YOU UNDERSTAND NOW. YOU KNOW WHY YOUR SISTER HAD TO DO THIS. YOU SEE INTO HER MIND A BIT; & KNOW THAT YOU WOULD DO THE SAME FOR YOUR SPECIAL ONE. YET, YOU ARE SCARED THAT HER LOVE WILL COME AT A PRICE — THE PRICE OF HIM, BUT IT DOES NOT. SHE LET’S YOU KEEP YOUR DEAR ONE, PERHAPS BECAUSE SHE NOW KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOSE YOURS ( OR PERHAPS TO HIGHLIGHT HOW MISDEMEANORS CAN COME AT A COST ).

                                         YOUR BROTHER IS SHOUTING; HE IS ALWAYS SHOUTING THESE DAYS, IT SEEMS . HE TELLS YOU THINGS YOU ALREADY KNEW. HE CALLS YOU SICK. HE SAYS YOU ARE NOT OKAY. TELLS YOU OF A TIME BEFORE YOU WERE CONSUMED; FRAGILE GOLDEN DAYS THAT FEEL INADEQUATE NOW. YOU TELL HIM YOU DON’T CARE. YOU TELL HIM THAT YOU BELONG IN CARNIVOROUS TEETH. YOU TELL HIM THAT YOU ARE A PREDATOR YOURSELF. YOUR FREAKY LITTLE TRIO. HE JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND, BUT BY THE END HE LEAVES YOU ALONE & IF IT GOT A LITTLE HEATED, A BIT VIOLENT — THEN IT WAS HIS FAULT FOR PUSHING YOU ALL. WHAT AMAZES YOU; IS THE FEROCITY OF YOUR SISTER’S LOVE & THE NOW CONFIRMED DEVOTION OF YOUR DEAR ONE.

                                          THERE ARE, OF COURSE, RULES; YOUR DEAR MUST TOE THE LINE OF YOUR SISTER’S DRAWING. NEW RULES TAKE TIME TO LEARN; SHE IS MERCIFUL FOR A BIT. LUCKILY HE HAS BECOME A FAST LEARNER. HE IS YOURS; BUT PERHAPS YOU LOAN HIM OUT TO PLAY SHOULD IT MAKE YOUR SISTER PLEASED. YET, SHE OBEYS YOUR RULES AS LONG AS YOU OBEY HERS. YOU ARE HERS; & THAT PART IS NEVER NEGOTIABLE. IT’S WHY YOU FEEL GUILT IN YOUR DEAR ONE’S EMBRACE IN INTIMATE HOURS WHEN YOU ASK HIM TO AFFIRM THAT YOU ARE HIS IN ADDITION TO HIM BEING YOURS. YOU ARE FRIGHTENED SHE WILL KNOW SOMEHOW; THINK YOU ARE BEING NAUGHTY & PUNISH YOU FOR IT. SO YOU ONLY ASK TO HEAR IT OCCASIONALLY. THE ECHOING OF HIM BEING YOURS IS ENOUGH TO SATE YOU MOST DAYS.

                                            YOU WONDER WHAT IT MUST FEEL LIKE FOR YOUR DEAR, HAVING TO SHARE? YOU HAVE SEEN THE ANGER FLASH IN HIS EYE WHEN YOUR SISTER BECOMES CROSS WITH YOU & MUST TAKE PENANCE FOR YOUR CRIMES. YOUR PERFECTLY WOVEN SECURITY IS MORE VULNERABLE THAN IT SEEMS. YOUR SISTER HOLDS YOUR LIFE IN HER TALONED HANDS & VIPER’S FANGS; JUST AS YOU HOLD YOUR DEAR ONE’S IN LONG PRECISE TENDRILS & VENOMOUS TONGUE. BUT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW --- IT IS SELFISH PERHAPS, BUT YOU ARE SELFISH UNABASHEDLY, TO NEVER OFFER YOUR OWN THE KINDNESS YOUR SISTER DID. YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO SHARE, EVEN AS A CHILD YOU REMEMBER YOUR BROTHER & REDBEARD COMPLAINING THAT YOU DIDN’T PLAY PROPERLY WITH YOUR TOYS. A HABIT YOU NEVER GREW OUT OF. DOES YOUR DEAR ONE MIND? PERHAPS, BUT YOU NEVER ASK. YOU NEVER BRING ATTENTION TO IT. IT’S NON-NEGOTIABLE. HE IS YOURS. YOU DO NOT SHARE. NEVER.

                                              YOUR SISTER IS GENEROUS. SHE ONLY IS CRUEL WHEN YOU MAKE HER. YOU TRY NOT TO MAKE HER OFTEN, BUT YOU ALWAYS WERE A WICKED THING. MUMMY TOLD YOU OFTEN ENOUGH. YOU STEP OUT OF LINE; LET YOUR SENSITIVITIES GET THE BETTER OF YOU. SHE MAKES YOU REMEMBER WHY WE KEEP THEM IN LINE. YET, ALWAYS FORGIVING. SHE REMINDS YOU IN COOL TONES THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COMFORTING FROM ANOTHER MOUTH ABOUT HOW SHE STILL LOVES YOU. HOW WITHOUT YOU THERE IS NOTHING. HOW GRACIOUS SHE IS, LETTING YOU KEEP YOUR DEAR. HOW YOU LEFT HER ALONE & STILL SHE WELCOMED YOU BACK. HOW YOU CANNOT LEAVE HER AGAIN, YOU PROMISED. THAT YOU ARE HERS & HERS ALONE.