#subduedglitter

 “ —— that’s not what want ! ”   

her entire being exudes exasperation.  shoulders are tight with tension,  expression is incredulous,  eyes are bright and wild with emotion.  either you let me in,  or you don’t,  but don’t keep me in this limbo.  charlotte’s words hung in the air before hana’s own separate remark.   (  they were both seemingly tying invisible nooses around this friendship,  weren’t they ?  )  

  “ i’m ---- i’m only trying to help you,  hana !  isn’t that what you asked for ?  you can’t just let me in and then push me out immediately after and expect yourself to feel better ! ”   under different circumstances,  it would’ve been appropriate for charlotte to feel like a hypocrite as the words are exhaled in a flurry of anger and compassion.   (  their inability to be vulnerable is shared,  but charlotte supposes hana practices more . . . aggressive tactics,  whereas charlotte permits the occasional person in,  and even then remains guarded.  )   cheeks are pink from the commotion and shoulders are slumped in defeat.   “ god,  hana,  i just wanna help.  when i touch you,  when i . . . help you with the bad feelings,  it’s like a wall breaks,  and i feel everything you’ve been holding back.  i feel hate and sadness and loneliness,  and i can’t help but think some of that could be fixed if you just let someone in.  everyone needs someone in their corner.  it doesn’t have to be me if you don’t want.  but someone.  anyone. ”   a pause.   “ i just want to help you. ”

she nearly does a double - take.  there was no way charlotte heard that correctly.  under different circumstances,  if it were someone else,  she would’ve made a big,  sarcastic,  theatrical deal out of it.   (  the whole she - bang.  finger wiggled in her ear,  confused expression as if she’s misunderstood,  bending down to hear the repeated words clearly.  )   but this isn’t someone else,  and these aren’t different circumstances.  this is hana,  and in all of their five years of friendship --- or at least friendly acquaintance - ship --- charlotte has never once heard those words uttered from her lips.  

and it’s startling.  

charlotte’s mouth nearly drops open in disbelief.   (  but disbelief isn’t what hana needs.  )   a tentative step is taken closer,  head inclining slightly,  as if a closer look would confirm the other’s words.   “ i ------ ”  gods,  what is she supposed to say ?  there’s at least ten responses fighting to get out first,  anything to make this better,  to make hana better.   “ whatever you need.  i’m here. ”