#sub: keedlez2

ii told my2elf long ago that iid never have friiend2 agaiin. that after all ii had faiiled two do and all ii had mii2takenly made wor2e had left me iirredeemable regardle22 of what everyone thought of me then. ii told my2elf ii would liive out the eon2 alone untiil the uniiver2e began two crumble around me and welcome relea2e only when iit happened. ii told my2elf that wa2 what ii de2erved for all that had happened iim my 2e22iion and before that two. ii told my2elf never two let go two the feeliing of lo2iing her. the 2ound of her voiice a2 iit echoed twiice over iin my pan and iin my ear2. the daymare2 that followed that 2howed me the look on her face, how iit changed from joy two confu2iion, and fiinally two horror a2 ii took her liife away. iit2 2eared iintwo my miind2 eye even after all the2e 2weep2. ii 2ee iit 2tiill more than ii ever 2ee her 2miile, ii hear her 2cream2 more than ii ever hear her laughter. even though 2he came back and ha2 forever two be happy, aliive a2 2he alway2 wanted two be, 2he had two go through 2o much two get there agaiin. 2he lo2t 2o much tiime beiing a gho2t, beiing a robot. tiime 2he 2hould have been able two 2pend beiing aliive and happy.

even after all thii2 tiime ii cant let iit go. ii want two move on but the memoriie2 hold my pumper liike chaiin2 ii cant break. 2he wanted me two be happy but ii couldnt let my2elf be happy after what iid done. 2o how could 2he look at me 2o gently, and hold me wiith 2uch a soft touch, and tell me thiing2 would be ok iif ii could never accept iit iin my head?

let iit go. let iit go. let iit go let iit go. ii want two let go of the pa2t 2o ii can move on wiith the people ii love now.

ii have 2o many people that love me and thii2 ii2 2toppiing me from 2eeiing what they 2ee iin me. they dont 2ee 2omeone that2 broken and need2 fiixiing do they? do they 2ee me a2 2omeone that can take care of them for a2 long a2 they need me? do they 2ee how much ii love them even though iim 2o bad at 2howiing iit? how could ii do what iive done after 2tiill not yet 2erviing my peniitence for all that iive done. how could ii 2o boldly a2k them two love me when ii know ii dont de2erve iit iin the fiir2t place? how could ii take another 2tep twoward2 happiine22 when ii havent earned the riight two iit yet?

iif kk could 2ee me a2 ii am would he approve of me? iif aa walked back iintwo my liife would 2he giive me the ble22iing ii need two be ok wiith beiing happy? would any of them look at the liife iive had 2iince the day ii left them all at that table and accept the liife iive buiilt for my future? ii told my2elf ii would never have friiend2 agaiin. ii told my2elf ii wa2 unworthy of love. ii wrote iit on my 2oul a thou2and thou2and tiime2 and iid convinced my2elf of iit and yet here ii am. iid become 2o 2tarved for love that ii craved iit more than anythiing. ii de2iired the touch of another more than anythiing el2e. needed 2omeone two come iintwo my liife and tell me ii wa2 worth more than only beiing the tool iid reduced my2elf two through the game.

dave wa2 the fiir2t per2on two break down the wall2 ii buiilt around my heart. he wouldnt let up, wouldnt be 2topped. he fought with me for hour2 that day untiil ii gave iin, held me a2 ii criied, promii2ed me ii wa2 worthy of the love he felt for me. and for a long tiime ii wa2 ok wiith only ever wantiing hiim. he ii2 2tiill my everythiing, the liight of my liife that ii 2ee iin my miind2 eye. back then he wa2 a 2iingle 2tar iin an otherwii2e black 2ky that weighed heavy and paiinfully on my 2houlder2. the dii2tant memoriie2 of the 2tardu2t left behiind by old friiend2 alway2 threatened two blot hii2 liight out back then, but over the month2 he grew briighter and briighter untiil he wa2 able two nearly out2hiine iit all. and liike magiic one after another new 2tar2 began two 2hiine that blocked out the paiin liike a blanket.

jn. dk. tx. vii. tv. yl.

each of them briing theiir own kiind of comfort two my liife that ii need two keep goiing. de2piite the paiin and the heartbreak wiith 2ome, or the fear and the worry wiith other2, ii want all of them iin my liife. ii love them all iin theiir own uniique way that ii hope they can 2ee 2ometiime2, even when ii dont know how two 2how iit.

maybe iim 2elfii2h a2kiing for two moiiraiil2. maybe iim iin the wrong for doiing that. but ii cant choo2e one over the other liike that when both of them are iimportant two me iin way2 2o 2peciial two each that ii couldnt only choo2e one. ii only hope that they can get along and 2ee how much they both mean two me. ii hope ii can convey the full depth of my emotiion2 wiith every word, every touch. every tiime ii wiipe away a tear or 2oothe away a hurt ii hope that they wiill feel all that ii feel iin each of tho2e moment2.

ii want two be free. ii want two be free of the torment2 iin my miind. ii want them two help me be better becau2e ii want two be better. for me. for my2elf. ii want two let go of the pa2t and 2top lettiing iit get iin the way of my future. ii want two 2ee what they 2ee when they look at me. ii want two be proud of the per2on theyre proud of.

ii dont need 2omeone that 2ee2 me a2 broken. ii feel liike ii can maybe fiinally accept that. ii can accept that he wa2 wrong about me. ii can 2ee that there2 more two me than 2omeone that need2 fiixiing. ii can. ii am.

iif a god can pray ii pray that thiing2 wiill work out riight. that thii2 2hred of happiine22 ii2nt doomed two faiil from the 2tart. that ii, 2ollux, can do all that ii want two two briing joy two tho2e that love me. ii pray for the 2trength two fiight agaiin2t my2elf when ii feel my gra2p on the2e de2iire2 2liippiing 2o ii dont make 2tupiid mii2take2 more than ii know ii wiill. and ii pray that iill be able two accept that ii can make mii2take2 along the way. ii dont need two be perfect.

iim really gettiing deep iintwo thii2 whole iintro2pectiion thiing riight now. but a2 the 2un rii2e2 behiind me ii feel better haviing wriitten iit all down. ii can look back on thii2 and remember my prayer. ii can 2ay iit agaiin liike a mantra and keep my2elf grounded. iill try not two let my doubt2 get the be2t of me 2o ii can be all that they need.

dave. jn. dk. tx.

ii love you guy2 2o much. plea2e giive me the chance ii need two prove that. plea2e dont get tiired of me when ii cant alway2 2how iit. forgiive me for my mii2take2. plea2e know how iimportant you each are iin your own 2peciial way two me. ii need you all.

ii’m driiftiing away from all of my friiend2. even dave and JN are 2o out of reach iit 2eem2. ii gra2p at 2traw2 and hold tiight when they’re here or ii’m wiith them but a2 2oon a2 we part way2 agaiin ii lo2e 2iight of iit all over agaiin. ii feel liike a thiird wheel iin my own relatiion2hiip. ii don’t even feel jealou2 about iit though, ii under2tand that dave probably want2 JN around more than me becau2e he’2 probably ea2iier two talk two and probably more aniimated when they’re twogether. ii don’t have the energy anymore two do much. doiing thiing2 hurt2.

my body ii2 falliing apart probably, not much ii can do there though.

ii feel 2o bad all the tiime when ii talk two TX now. how do ii tell them about what happened wiith TV? do ii ever? 2hould ii? ii don’t know iif ii’m even thiinkiing the riight thiing ba2ed on what the 2aiid but logiic poiint2 two that and ugh. iit’2 2hiitty. ii ju2t want two be there for them leadiing up two thii2 thiing and after that ii can break tiie2 wiith them both. TV doe2n’t want me anymore anyway, 2o iit’2 better thii2 way. ii 2houldn’t let TX want me becau2e ii can’t... ii can’t do iit.

every fuckiing tiime ii let my2elf have even the bare2t 2liiver of feeliing2 twoward2 2omeone iit ju2t leave2 me feeliing wor2e and wor2e. make2 me feel liike le22 and le22.

2o ju2t.

fuck DK.

fuck TV.

ii don’t need anyone!! ii knew that before when ii only had dave. ii have JN two, ii only need them. ii don’t need people that are goiing two ju2t jerk me around when they need me and then to22 me liike a u2ed rag when they’re done. ii don’t even have the energy two take care of my2elf but ii put my2elf la2t for everyone ii care about but hey at lea2t ii don’t have two eat or 2leep or ii’d probably be 2hiit out of luck and 2iicker than ii already am!!

iif ii get hurt? ii’ve hiidden the full extent of thii2 from everyone long enough that ii thiink ii’d be fiine wiith a liittle more.

let’2 talk about what we’re doiing wiith our liive2. well, miine ii gue22 becau2e you’re ju2t my 2tupiid 2ecret blog ii biitch at when ii don’t have the gut2 two tell people how ii feel. whiich ii2 all the tiime a2 you know. ii can’t talk two anyone anymore and ii’m kiind of lo2iing the abiiliity two even talk two dave. iit’2 hard enough for me two tell JN the truth about what happened out iin the furthe2t riing and ii can’t tell dave at all. he’ll hate hiim2elf for iit and ii want hiim two never blame hiim2elf for iit. nobody’2 notiiced the wound2 2o maybe iit’2 not vii2iible two anyone but me. all ii know ii2 iit hurt2 and iit’2 not healiing. 2o!!

ii gue22 ii’m 2tuck wiith thii2 for a whiile. hopefully the coughiing up blood part wiill not happen iin front of anyone!!

ii triied two talk two TV about iit but ii 2ure diid bungle that one up pretty badly. and now iit’2 ? thur2day and we haven’t 2poken once 2iince then. ii mii22 hiim but maybe that’2 for the be2t? ii 2hould really try two avoiid hiim 2o ii don’t make thiing2 bad for hiim wiith my 2tupiid weiird feeliing2. at the end of the niight he doe2n’t de2erve two be dragged down by my bad way2 and after that 2tream where he wa2 freakiing out over the faiiry moviie ii can’t liie two my2elf about that anymore.

ii liike hiim a lot and iit’2 2cary. tiime two avoiid.

and ii hope TX doe2n’t thiink ii’m comiing on two 2trong but ii don’t even notiice ii’m beiing weiirdly protectiive and overly friiendly toward2 them untiil afterward2 and iit make2 me feel weiird. liike. what’2 up wiith that? at fiir2t iit wa2 ju2t becau2e ii wanted them two make iit back for TV. but now ii genuiinely care about how they are but iidk. maybe that’2 two much becau2e lmao, that water thiing ha2 me fucked up. ii don’t even thiink about water.

ii’m not niice. yet ii keep doiing niice thiing2. ii liiterally jumped a2 2oon a2 DK 2aiid he wa2 2iick and here ii am warmiing hiim and content becau2e ii haven’t 2een hiim and VII iin 2o long but. ii let tho2e feeliing2 go becau2e he doe2n’t want anythiing and ii’m not goiing two cramp thii2 friiend2hiip wiith that eiither.

ii know the la2t few tiime2 ii’ve been here ii’ve 2aiid ii 2hould 2tep away from people but maybe ii 2hould. actually do that thiing before ii actually fuck iit all up. thii2 2tupiid fuckiing tiickiing all day and niight ii2 driiviing me iin2ane and ii don’t want 2omeone two notiice iit and a2k que2tiion2. ii don’t want anyone two worry about me.

ii ju2t want two 2hiitpo2t and make fun of people, not be iin 2o much paiin all the tiime. iit’2 a lot of paiin and ii don’t know how two deal wiith iit all.