#stupiddad

I am seriously crying right now. My spirit friends and family are helping to comfort me in some way but sakldaklsndlasndkans I am crying from frustration at myself as well as more that I can't think of right now for the reason. I hate being a "healer."

My parents came back today from their trip out to a cousin of mine's wedding on dad's side of the family. Dad's side of the family always makes him act strangely because he doesn't have good relations with them (had abusive parents and mind/emotional games and family doesn't really love or support each other quite like my mom's side of the family does) and mom had retired to bed and dad was unusually talkative tonight.

I'm fucking sick. I'm tired and sick and didn't get a chance to do things I wanted to do, like go walking or do laundry, and really appreciate my three days alone. I'm sick and my dad is working his way quickly through a beer and starts unloading himself on me. Not anything bad but more of an emotional unloading from the stress of today and yesterday (especially about his relations with his mother.)

I really REALLY hate whatever it is about me (no doubt from my conditioned upbringing as a girl even though I'm a man in truth) that makes it SO HARD to just speak up and say "Hey? Can we save this for another time? I'm really tired right now and sick and I need to go to bed." I couldn't say that. I had to play fucking therapist to my dad who REALLY needs therapy and my mom has been fucking tired of being therapist for my dad and so he doesn't have a source to vent in her, and my mom told him not to do that to me. He even fucking said "I know your mom told me not to say things like this to you so I'd really appreciate it if you don't mention it to her because that makes her very upset with me." and continued on and I fucking nodded along.

What REALLY disgusts me about myself is that when I was saying some analysis of the situation and he indicated that I got it on the nose as well as when I suggested some things he could do like a freakin' therapist would (didn't tell him he needs a therapist though WHY DIDN'T I?!) that I got a fucking THRILL (a tiny one but still) in me from... what? Being a healer? "Helping people"? In a way that actually hurts ME instead? in a way that I cannot fucking speak up and say I've had ENOUGH without worrying that I'd " be shutting him down and prevent him from seeking any source of comfort or bond with me in the future?" WTF? I REALLY WANT this part of me to be GONE! It only hurts me.

My ex-friend didn't so much exploit or "change" me as in they just took advantage of something I already had, that fucking WANT to be a fucking therapist/healer and get a bit of a HIGH off of that, even if it tears me to fucking SHREDS emotionally afterwards. I HATE THIS! I feel like such a fucking addict and I am so fucking disappointed in myself right now. I'm really sorry for the strong language but gods I'm crying and hating that part of myself and wanting to just reach in and pull it fucking OUT so I don't have to DEAL with this anymore! I already have to do insane things to cut off the emotional ties with people JUST to protect myself so I don't become a fucking emotional hog thing that gets highs off of "HELPING" people in this way when it just HURTS ME.

I was trying so hard to keep a distance between me and my dad as he talked and still hating the fact that I didn't have the GUTS to just END it there to STOP it. I really want to cuddle with my mom right now but she's asleep and I know if I tell her what happened she'd get angry with my dad and then he'd clam up and then I'd go back to feeling no connection with this man in my life that calls himself my dad. Am I so needy for emotional love and bonds that I just settle for ANYTHING I can get? WHY?!