#stuggleandstrength

Alright first blog! Wowzers! I know I have been talking about doing this for so long, but it’s definitely not easy. One because I suck at technology and I don’t understand why every time I turn my computer it wants to update…1 hour later…and two because infertility is something nobody wants to talk about. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years so the amount of people who ask “any babies yet?” “Don’t you want babies?” “you and Logan will be amazing parents, you better get on that!” (Insert eye roll here) is unbearable.  I now will say nicely, yet sarcastically, “you know it’s not that easy for everyone.” Then you get the sad pity/oh I feel like a jerk stare. It’s magical.

The past two years I have had every invasive test to try and figure out what is going on with me and why this hasn’t happened. In April 2015 my husband and I took a major step and went to an IVF facility. We met with a very nice doctor, and had an internal exam done and they said everything looked good. They did not know what was going on with me the tests didn’t tell them anything was wrong. Doc ASSUMED that I had PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and that was why I was having so much trouble getting pregnant. My husband and I sat there listening to this nice doctor, watching him write a prescription (with a pen that had the prescription ad on it) for us for a medication that has two pages of side effects.  To this day my prescription sits at my local apothecary. My husband and I couldn’t help but feel weird about the whole situation.

Please don’t get me wrong, I think that there is a point when one needs the help of the medical industry and Doctors to step in. I absolutely don’t judge those who do choose to go that route because I have seen a beautiful miracle happen for my best friend who thought that she would never have children, and that was with the help with an IVF specialist. I just don’t feel like that is how my story is supposed to go. I am almost 26 years old, so to say I have done everything I have possibly done to get pregnant would be a lie. That is why I am doing this blog.

Like I said, I want nothing in this world more then to be a mommy and with that being said, I will change my entire life around to get that chance.

1 in 8 women deal with infertility, and stress is the leading cause for infertility in women. For years now I have worked 2-3 jobs at a time while going to school full time, while also making sure my relationship with my husband isn’t being affected. I am also somebody who feels the need to help everyone and try to fix everything. I have the hardest time putting myself before others.  So, needless to say I have always been stressed.  I never put time aside for myself to enjoy my life, and take that breath of fresh air. Until now! This month I told my boss I needed to get my hours cut back for personal reasons. This is a huge move for me! I have Saturdays off! YAY!

I feel what sets me apart from the other women who struggle with infertility is I believe in nature. I believe that nature plays its course in these ways for a reason.  Believe me there is nothing is this world I want more in this world then to be a mother, and I will do whatever it takes for that to happen.  With that being said while I am waiting for nature to do her thing, I am going to continue to work on being a better me because when the time comes and I pee on that stick and two lines show up, I want to be mentally ready to be the best mother and wife I can possibly be.  

I am, for the most part, a very positive person. Even in the most negative of situations I like to find the positive. Once a month though, it is so difficult for me to find that light. When I start to get cramps it’s like getting punched in the stomach. Thoughts that go through my head… “I am broken,” “I will never be a mommy,” “I will never be able to make my husband a daddy,” “I will never know what it’s like to know that feeling of being pregnant,” “I will never be complete,” and the big scary one “ life isn’t even worth living.” As I sit here writing this my eyes are welling up with tears. All of these thoughts are completely irrational and I know this, but my head cannot stop thinking them, and my heart can’t stop feeling them.

Last week was when these thoughts began to swarm my brain. I was not in a good place in my head. I decided to lay in bed a good portion of the day, and cry. (I don’t recommend this technique when trying to cope with your woes). Logan got home and saw me lying around just crying. I am sure he knew what was wrong with me because he sees me go through this monthly. So he sat down and let me cry and talked me out of my funk. We decided to go out with a group of friends, and we had a blast. The next morning I woke up and decided to look at the positive in all of this. I am not going to look at this as me not being pregnant another month, but another opportunity to make sure my cycle is a healthy one. So   it’s a good thing that I am getting my period it was right on time so this at least means that my hormones are somewhat regular. I will take that as a WIN.

When I get into these funks it is so important that I get out and do something and get my mind away from all of these terrible thoughts. All weekend my mind was busy hanging out with amazing people, friends and family. Doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy even more who encourage me every day to be the best version of myself. While out and about I did something that I never thought I would ever do. I bought a Ukulele! I have zero musical abilities, I am terrible, but it’s therapeutic and makes me smile. I went on some random, yet amazing adventures with my love to the Chautauqua Gorge, and Long Point smelling the fresh soil and clean spring air. Surrounded by nothing but trees is my happy place.

It is so important that on this journey we find our strengths, because frankly my darling’s life sometime kicks our asses.

My strength comes in being able to rise above the negative feelings and come out of it with a smile. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I am down and I wallow in my self-pity longer then I should. I am human and emotional, especially when it comes to something I have wanted for so long.  I am slowly beginning to weed out the negative thing in my life.  The most valuable sign of when something is a negative impact on your well being is what your gut has to say about it. This is true about everything in life from the food you eat, people you surround yourself with, and even the jobs you have.

My strength comes in putting myself first and eliminating all of the stressful things around me. Stress affects so many aspects of our lives. This has taken me so long to figure out. I am always so worried about how other people feel about my decisions. If someone asked me to do something for them I would NEVER say no for fear I would hurt feelings, or put someone out. I am stronger now! This brings me to my next point… This week I quit my job I have been at for 8 years. I knew it was time to move on when every time I even thought of having to go there I would feel sick to my stomach.  After I quit, then I was sick to my stomach for fear of my customers being sad, or mad, but I had to do it for me. I didn’t quit to hurt anyone’s feelings or in vengeance.  I want to live my life as positive as I possibly can.