#stuff_what_i_wrote

That’s All We Heard About Brenda and Eddie

By Nomi

“So, what’s the deal with this apartment? It looks like it was lifted wholesale from 1975.”

“Yeah, but it’s cheap, Bren. There’s no way we could afford this kind of place in Georgetown if it were market price. And the realtor, he spoke so highly of this place.”

“The apartment has been fully refurbished, according to the realtor,” Brenda said, looking around. “But this pile carpet is probably harboring wildlife that moved in during the Ford administration.”

“It’s a furnished apartment in Georgetown with a doorman. The carpet is probably just an expression of some interior designer’s retro aesthetic,” Eddie said, finally putting his bag down by the door to the closest bedroom. “And it has three bedrooms and two bathrooms, is two floors… this is heaven, Bren.”

Brenda walked into the kitchen and admired the brand new appliances. When they had come to see it with the realtor, the kitchen was still being remodeled, so they’d seen a vague layout but no furnishings. “I’m going to love hosting study nights here. And I just found this note. ‘Welcome to the building. Questions? Call extension 147 and ask for Maria.’”

“That’s cool. Good service from Building Maintenance is always appreciated. Maybe they’ll let us do some redecorating if we want to turn one of the extra bedrooms into an office. It’ll be perfect.” Eddie walked over to the door of the second bedroom, but when he turned the knob he found that it was locked. Upon further scrutiny, he discovered that the security on the bedroom door was quite impressive and virtually impenetrable. In all his years as a computer science professor specializing in security, he had never seen this sort of technology deployed in a private home.

“Uh… Bren?” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you still have the paperwork we signed for the apartment?”

“Yeah, hang on. It’s in my briefcase.”

Eddie heard some shuffling from the living room, and then Brenda joined him at the secured bedroom door. “Here,” she said, handing him the sheaf of papers.

He started to flip through it. “Security deposit… no pets… noise… well, this is interesting. ‘The Unit is fully soundproofed. If by happenstance a noise complaint is lodged against the occupants, the occupants must call Secure Homes in Eastern Leasing Division representatives within fifteen minutes.’ Odd, but it’s good they have a full-service office. ‘Destruction of Premises: May be inevitable. For more information contact Secure Homes in Eastern Leasing Division representatives.’ That’s not ominous or anything.”

“It really says that the apartment might need to be destroyed?”

“Yeah, right here,” Eddie said, showing Brenda the paragraph in question.

“Weird. And vaguely creepy.”

Eddie skims through the rest of the contract, growing more and more queasy. “Uh, Bren? This… this is really weird.”

Brenda didn’t get a chance to answer, because just then the front door opened and two people in torn clothing stumbled in. “Oh!” And were those burn marks on their jackets?

“Oh, hi! I hadn’t realized the new tenants had moved in; I thought it was still an empty unit.” The woman, a brunette with a lovely British accent, spoke up. “I’m Jemma; this is Leo. We can just grab some things from, well, there,” she said, gesturing to the door that Eddie and Brenda were standing in front of, “and then we can stay in a different unit. No worries.”

Jemma walked over to the door and keyed a code into a panel that suddenly appeared when she stared into the keyhole in the doorknob. The door clicked, and she opened the door, and then she and Leo walked into the room and closed the door behind them. Another click sounded, and Eddie and Brenda were left there, dumbfounded.

“Uh, what just happened? Who are those people?” Brenda asked.

“I have no clue,” Eddie said.

After a few minutes, the door clicked again and Jemma and Leo emerged. “We’re done; seriously, we’ll get out of your hair. Others might stop by for stuff from here, but other than that the place is yours as long as you need it. You’re getting a discount on the rent, right?”

“Yes… yes, we are,” Eddie responded.

“Good! If you need anything, here’s my card. Call any time; I have an in with the realty company.” Jemma looked behind her to where Leo was re-keying the lock code. “Come along, now! They’re waiting.”

Leo and Jemma walked to the apartment door, said, “There’s going to be a small gathering in the common room off the lobby on Friday night; if you’re around, come join us.” And then they were gone.

“Well, they seemed nice,” Brenda said in a quiet voice.

“Uh, yeah.” Eddie’s tone was subdued, as well.

“I’ll put Friday’s party on the calendar.”

“Yeah. Sounds like something we shouldn’t miss.” Maybe then we’ll find out what we’ve gotten ourselves into, he thought.

Thing 2745 Kurt Wished He’d Been Warned About Before Parenthood

By Nomi

“Daddy? Can I watch something? Papa said it would be OK.”

Kurt sighed. They tried to limit the amount of screen time their five-year-old daughter had each night, but sometimes using video as a babysitter was inevitable. And this night definitely qualified; he was about to get onto a call with one of his current co-stars, and Blaine had to leave for rehearsal in a few minutes.

“Yeah, OK. One episode only; my call shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.”

“But what if it’s one episode with two stories in it?”

“Then you can watch both stories, but then we put the machine away and go to bed.” Until recently, because of their schedules, Kurt and Blaine hadn’t been as disciplined about bedtime as they should be, but with Kindergarten starting in just a month they’d been working on getting Tallie on a more regular schedule. “What are you planning to watch, anyway?”

“Paw Patrol! I love-love-love the puppies!”

Kurt grinned. Tallie had loved watching the dogs in Central Park since she was a toddler.

“OK, go enjoy. But remember--”

“One episode only!”

“Good girl.”

Kurt went to straighten up the kitchen in the couple of minutes before he had to make his call while Tallie went into the family room to watch her show. A minute later, Blaine came up behind Kurt and kissed the back of his neck.

“You’re doing it again,” Blaine said.

“Doing what?” Kurt asked.

“Singing under your breath. Making up parody lyrics to Broadway songs. Incorporating kids’ TV into classic showtunes. Pick one; you were doing all three at the same time.”

“I was?” Half the time Kurt didn’t even notice that he was singing to himself. Usually it was theme songs to Tallie’s shows; the “Dora the Explorer” theme had been thoroughly stuck in his head for six months while Tallie went through her “Dora” phase.

“Yeah. But somehow I don’t think the lyrics you were singing were those intended by Stephen Schwartz.”

OK, so that meant he was singing from “Wicked” again.

“Blame Tallie,” Kurt said. “She’s…”

“Let me guess.” He started singing. “Paw Patrol/She’s gonna watch Pa-aw Patrol.”

“Exactly.”