May 13, 2018
current desk space. current mind space = please help me get through the next 3 weeks, I don’t know how I screwed up so badly for first year.
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current desk space. current mind space = please help me get through the next 3 weeks, I don’t know how I screwed up so badly for first year.
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Hey Siri can you order 100 batches of serotonin for next day delivery? K thanks
Cute boy literally just read me the entire of chapter 1 of Harry Potter book 1 asmr style, complete with character voices.
list of things I’ve eaten today:
half a chocolate cake that H’s mum made for me (thank god for this blessed person)
4 choc chip brioche rolls
1 super noodles in chicken flavour
2 bananas
10 strawberries
planning to eat:
steak
the rest of the bag of spinach (probably half a bag)
honeydew melon
ice cream
my past paper exams for bio module that I’m trying not to cry over
I think I have a problem with med withdrawal and bleeding from my nether regions
very much struggling this morning. I’m trying not to crawl back into bed, but I’m trying to do the whole 6am, I got up and trying to be productive but I missed the first block for a study session, wondering whether I should go in for a maths revision session and just sleep because that’s what my body needs more but I need to be more disciplined with myself and get myself back into a structured day and gah.
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Boop.
Things haven’t been good. It’s only today I’ve woken up (legit around midday) and realised I cannot function the way I want to on the meds I’m back on. I really cannot. I cannot wake up at 7-8am and make it into lectures where I’m actually able to focus on what my lecturer is saying instead of falling asleep and ending up with a pretty bad bruise on my forehead. And now P knows my mental health is an absolute mess. So I need to tell my GP this. I’m really trying to be productive and working. I just can’t focus right now. I have a million and one things I need to be doing other than writing this post but I’m hoping this kind of gets me in the mind set to start doing something. I don’t know why I can’t concentrate. I don’t know why I’m struggling to read the god damn computer screen. I’m absolutely exhausted, despite doing nothing this week.
I’m also realising I should not be in a relationship right now. It’s not because the person I’m currently with is wrong, it’s just... given the huge mess that I currently am, on top of everything else that I’m trying to manage, I’m being stupid. And I don’t think that’s fair on the other person. That and you also need to figure out the state that W left you in thanks to PTSD and god knows what else. Just... I’m trying to stop myself going on that downward spiral. But I don’t know if I’m too far on it to actually stop?
I just desperately want to get back to the state of functioning, of waking up without wanting to turn back over into the pillow and cry. I want to be able to do all of these things I signed myself up for. I didn’t sign myself up for mental illness. I can’t keep putting things off until tomorrow, because I’m running out of tomorrows at this rate. I can acknowledge the barriers that I face. I can understand why they happen. But making steps to stop them happening doesn’t happen over night and it frustrates me I end up back in this same situation every damn year.
I don’t know how to improve from this current state of being I’m currently sitting in.
people need to stop dying. this would be really cool. i know everyone dies, but urgh. why. (I’m not stupid, I know the answer, she was 98) looks like I’m going home early to help with a funeral.
25 August 2017 - My desk is not always about study. My desk is a place for me to be productive and to mind map where I want to go with things. It’s also a place where I eat breakfast so I can plan my day too.