#study crisis

I know it’s mainly a fandom blog, but screw it. It’s my site and I need to get this out.

I had a pretty intense week at my internship. I was allowed to look into a different lab section and the leading lady there is very strict and totally has the theory down. So this week is usually dreaded by all interns. Everyone knows, she’ll tear you apart. That’s not exactly what happened to me though. Yes, she tore me a whole one if I didn’t understand something that she considered obvious. She also validated me though, because I really tried. I did my best and I think she saw that (it also helps that I’m not that aweful with the theoretical stuff). I showed genuine interest and I probably learned more in that week than the whole six months before that since my internship started. In a way, I would have loved to stay in her lab section and just finish the remaining two months there. (That’s not possible at all, everything is already organized.)

I was really surprised. Because I expected to hate it. You know what happened? I’m a stubborn, defiant woman. She gave me a hard challenge, but also a realistic chance to conquer it. I didn’t know everything, I didn’t understand everything. But I tried.

It’s been so damn long since I tried that hard. Not to please her. Not even to get ready for school again. But because I was genuinely interested. I wanted to understand. She managed to link a lot of knowledge that I more or less already had, in a way I would have never thought of. THIS IS WHAT I WAS MISSING! I don’t mind it being hard, as long as it pays off. I understand the theory so much better now, that I just want to go on. Here’s the problem though... I’m a lazy person. I’m relatively smart, so I can pass my classes without investing extremely much time. So without extrinsic motivation by her posing the challenge, can I do it? I know that I’m doing it for myself. I know that. It’s just very hard to change my attitude towards learning.